Page 56 of Death, Interrupted

“Hey,” he murmured, his forehead resting against mine, “you don’t have to carry all that by yourself anymore.”

I felt my chest loosen slightly. The weight I’d carried for so long eased with every word he said.

“You know,” he continued, keeping his voice low, “you don’t have to apologize for feeling or for needing care. You don’t have to hide pieces of yourself to make the world easier for others. I like you. All of you, even the parts you think are broken.”

My throat tightened, and I blinked back the tears. “I…I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything,” he assured me. “Just know that I see you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

I let a shiver of relief escape. “I know,” I whispered.

He didn’t say anything else, just stayed there, letting me feel seen, letting me feel safe. And in that quiet, in the middle of rows of chips and candy, I told myself that I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. Not with him.

“I’ll take both chips then,” I finally said, letting a laugh bubble up inside of me.

He grinned and took a step back before reaching for the chips I had shown him minutes ago, then he tipped his head toward the freezers. “Come on. Help me choose what flavors to get.”

I nodded, but before we headed over there, I stopped him and said, “You make me feel amazing.”

“You’reamazing,” he said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Well, at least to him it was.

Chapter 20

Sumner

Iwoke in the middle of the night on Sly’s couch. He was on his back, one arm around my shoulders, the other tucked behind his head. I was draped across him, one leg over his thighs, my hand and my face pressed to his chest. I could feel the steady rise and fall of his breathing, and that had been the thing keeping me calm. But something was brewing inside of me, and I feared the worst.

The movie had finished hours ago, and the room had gone dim. My eyes wandered around,taking in the empty bowls and the ice-cream tub still sitting on the coffee table. When the tension inside my body increased, I tried to close my eyes and force sleep back on me, but the apartment was too quiet and my thoughts too loud. Sharp memories started rolling through my mind, and none of them wanted to settle.

A slam of a door, an insult heard a thousand times, threats that made me want to run and hide.

I tried to force my thoughts away from the past, telling myself it made no sense to feel this raw when I was here, held in Sly’s arms and safer than I had ever been.

But the voice in my head didn’t shut up.

You’re not safe, it said. Not even with him. People change. Joey was kind at the start, too.

“No.” The word came out breathy. My muscles clenched without my permission, and the room felt too close. I couldn’t stay still. I had to get up.

I moved away from him as carefully as I could, not wanting to wake him, and started to pick up the bowls. The cold under my bare feet felt like proof I was awake, but my mind was still fuzzy. I went to the kitchen, threw the empty ice cream tub into the trash, then rinsed the bowls. Cold water usually helped my head slow down, but the longer I stood there at the sink, the worse the feeling inside me became. When the waterstopped and the apartment fell silent, the panic found me again.

It started small and then grew sharper, with my chest tightening, my palms sweating, and my breathing growing short and fast, making the room tilt. My mind made everything worse. I thought abouthim, and the things he’d said, and how angry he used to get.

I started pacing until I was walking faster, with my hands starting to feel numb, and my heart hammering in my chest. I started talking to myself. “It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re here. He’s gone.” The words were supposed to ground me, but they sounded thin and fragile in my own ears.

I rubbed my arms to stop the shaking, but it didn’t help. Tears came, and I found myself repeating apologies I hadn’t meant to give. I was talking to myself, not truly feeling my body or mind.

“Sumner.” Sly’s voice sounded like it was coming from the end of a tunnel, but when I turned, he wasn’t far at all. He was standing just a few feet away, eyes locked on mine, worry etched into his face. I hadn’t noticed him getting up, but I hated the idea of being the reason for interrupting his sleep.

The voice in my head hissed again, sharper now.See? This is your fault. It’s one or the other. He’ll turninto the monster. Or you will. He’s already scared of you.

“No…no…” I whispered, stumbling back until my spine hit the cold door of the fridge. The jolt made my stomach twist, and I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Sumner, I’m going to come closer, okay?” His voice was calm, the opposite of the noise in my head.

“No!” The word burst out of me louder than I meant.