Page 28 of Death, Interrupted

“Shoot.”

“Are you getting help?” she asked, careful but direct, “since you wanted to kill those guys?”

I was ready to argue with her that I did kill the guys on my kill list, but we both knew that I truly didn’t. I was just there and initiated it, and karma did the rest.

I let out a breath. “Yeah. I’m in therapy.”

Her brows lifted a little.

“Real therapy,” I added. “Licensed, office with ugly chairs and weirdly empty walls and all that. Been going for years now.”

“So you told your therapist about your kill list?”

“God, no. That would get me straight to prison.”

She pulled her hand from mine and chewed on her bottom lip. “Then why go to therapy in the first place?”

Great question. One I wasn’t prepared for.

So I shrugged.

“I mean…that’s some serious stuff, Sly. You planned on killing people. Almost went through with it, too. The only thing that doesn’t make you a murderer is the fact that they killed themselves.”

I was slowly understanding what she was trying to say here. I was the bad guy here, just like Joey. The only difference was that I never got to go through with the killing part.

Motherfucker…I wasn’t any better than Joey.

No, wait, I actually was. I never hurt a woman or anyone who hadn’t hurt me first. My killing spree was meant for revenge, and other than that, I never meant to continue any of that.

I still had no words. There was probably nothing I could say to make her see me in a different and positive light. All she knew about me was the fact that I had a kill list and had five people killed because of it. One more if Joey hadn’t resurrected that night.

“I’m torn,” she finally said with a tilt of her head. “You saved me, and you’re generally a nice guy, but you…”

“I’m a psycho.”

Her lips pursed. “Not the word I was going to use because I don’t think you’re one.”

“How else would you describe me?”

“Complex. Broken. Alone.”

That last one stung. “What makes you think I’m alone?”

“Just a guess.”

“Kind of unfair for you to assume that,” I said, and I heard the edge in my voice, which wasn’t what she deserved, so I took a breath and gave her the plain version instead because it was easier to say it than to keep dodging. “I grew up in an orphanage. Nobody ever picked me, nobody even gave me a chance, and by the time I understood how the whole thing worked, I’d already decided not to expect anything from anyone. So when I turned eighteen, I got myself a simple job and a small apartment, and that was that. I’m not telling you this for sympathy,” I added, keeping my voice steady. “It explains why I am the man I am today.”

“That makes sense,” she said, and after a beat, she looked down at her hands and then back up at me. “I don’t really have a family either. My dad left early and dipped in and out when it suited him, my mom was around but not really there, and we were fine on paper. Still, it wasn’t a house where anyone asked how you were or noticed if you were quiet for a week, so I learned to do things alone and to keep the peace, andI guess I carried that quietness into my relationship with Joey where I didn’t have a say and just accepted things the way they were.”

“Okay,” I said, not pushing it further, because the point wasn’t to trade tragedies like Pokémon cards. “So we can somewhat relate to each other’s pasts.”

“Yeah. Good to know,” she said, letting out a small breath. “I didn’t mean to assume. I just…felt like we have some things in common, and we clearly do.”

“Guess so.” A smile tugged at my lips, but I lost it when I realized that she was still unsure about me. “Listen,” I said, wanting to reach for her hand again, but stopped myself just in time. “I know what I did wasn’t okay. Wanting to kill those guys and having them accidentally kill themselves…that wasn’t very humane of me. I know writing a kill list isn’t the right way to deal with trauma, but I have to say that I do feel better about everything now that it's done. Although knowing Joey is still walking this earth without consequences annoys the shit out of me. Especially because of all the things he’s done to you.”

Her lips twitched. “You don’t know what he’s done to me.”

Fair enough.