Page 40 of Death, Interrupted

The crying started without warning, just tears that wouldn’t stop, and then a sound that felt like it had been waiting for months. I slid down the cabinet to the kitchen floor because my knees gave out. The tile was cold through my sweats, and even that didn’t feel likeenough to pull me back into my skin. I tried the grounding list I had read about in a book one time: Five things I could see, four I could touch, three I could hear. I said the words and lost them and said them again and still felt the numbness creep into my cheeks and my hands until I could only see my fingers and not feel them. I thought about the nights I slept with one ear open because any movement could mean a door, and a door could mean a test I would fail no matter how I answered. I thought about the mornings I made coffee with hands that already shook because I was behind on a rule I hadn’t been given. I thought about how long I stayed and how hard it was to leave when leaving was the first choice you were allowed to make for yourself.

I crawled to the bathroom because a smaller room might help. I turned on the fan just to have a sound that wasn’t my heart, and I sat on the floor with my back against the tub and my knees up and tried to breathe slowly again, but my hands cramped, my fingers curled and wouldn’t uncoil. My face went numb around my mouth, and I touched my cheeks, but they didn’t feel like mine. I talked to myself, but my voice sounded like it came from down the hall. I wanted to call someone, but the question of who to call made me freeze, because the list of people who would understand was empty. I thought about the times I stood in the shower just to muffle the sound of crying,but if I stood there for too long, I would get shouted at for using up all the hot water.

The panic kept coming in waves. I tried to stand, and my legs shook, forcing me back down. I pressed my head against the side of the tub because it was cool, flat, and solid, and I needed something that didn’t move. Something that wouldn’t hurt me if I cried too loud. A voice in my head told me I was being dramatic and I should stop. Another voice told me I was in danger even though there was no one here but me. I hated both voices. I wanted quiet and got noise.

The next wave hit harder. The band around my chest climbed into my throat and squeezed until the edges of my vision went grey, the ringing in my ears turned to static, my body felt heavy, my fingers stopped tingling and turned to stone, my arms followed, my cheeks moved from numb to hot to nothing, and I could not tell if I was upright or on my side.

I said please to an empty room because I didn’t know what else to say. Another sob ripped through and left me shaking. My breath stuttered and lost rhythm. Heat rushed from my stomach to my face, and I knew I was going to pass out. So I let go, and everything went black.

Chapter 14

Sly

I hadn’t heard from her in two days, and she hadn’t texted back after I’d asked if she liked the stream. But there was silence, and it worried me. At first, I thought maybe she hated the stream. Saw my true personality and got bored and annoyed or figured that having a streamer as a friend wasn’t something she wanted. But there was the possibility that she was just busy. That she fell into work and forgot to check her phone.

I didn’t want to believe that something was seriously wrong. That maybe Joeysomehow got his memory back and remembered her, and that maybe she was back with him, and was too scared to let me know.

Showing up unannounced felt wrong. She’d been clear about not coming over without asking her first. But the silence was so deafening that I feared I’d have to break that rule.

Around six, I sent another text.

Just checking in. Everything okay?

I set the phone down and got up to head for the kitchen to make ramen, because boiling water was the peak of my culinary range. But my phone pinged before I took two steps, and I reached for it again immediately.

Help

Every alarm in my body went off at once.

Are you home? I’m coming over.

I pulled on a sweater, grabbed my keys and helmet, and took the stairs fast. My head wasn’t clear, but I kept the ride clean. No stupid moves, no close calls, because I couldn’t cause an accident right now. Or ever. I hated rushing April because she deservedbetter, but this was an emergency, and getting to Sumner came first.

I parked on the curb, making sure April wasn’t in the way, then entered the building and texted as I jogged up the steps.

Here. Can I come in?

There was no answer, so I knocked. “Sumner? It’s me.” I pressed my ear to the door but couldn’t hear any noise. I tried the handle, crossing a line she had made clear two days ago, but she wasn’t responding, and I needed to make sure she was okay. To my surprise and worry, the door was unlocked.

Maybe she forgot to lock it because whatever was going on pulled her out of her routine, and I was certain she would’ve locked herself in to be careful, after everything she went through with Joey.

“I’m coming in,” I called, loud enough but without scaring her. I took off my boots, closed the door behind me, and then locked it. “It’s Sly.”

The living room was empty. A blanket was on the floor near the couch. Her laptop sat open on the table, the screen black. “Sumner?” I kept my voice low and walked toward the hallway. She wasn’t in the kitchen,so I checked the room to my left, which turned out to be her bedroom.

“Sumner?”

The thought of her not even being home lingered, but as I turned, I heard a whimper coming from the bathroom. I stepped closer and stopped at the doorway, knocking softly.

“Sumner, are you in here?” I asked, slowly pushing the door open.

She was on the bathroom floor with her back against the tub, knees up, arms locked so tight around them her knuckles were white. Her face was pale and wet, and every breath came short and rough. When she looked at me, her eyes kept losing focus and coming back, unable to hold.

“I’m here,” I said from the doorway. “Can I come closer?”

She gave one small nod. I moved in and crouched a few feet away so I wasn’t crowding her. “Can I sit with you?”

Another nod.