Page 39 of Dearly Unbeloved (Spicy in Seattle #3)

SIERRA

M y camera roll is a shrine to Rose Cannon, and I have no idea how or when it happened.

The pictures date back to the picnic, when I guess I must have snapped a picture or two because that’s what spouses do, right?

At first, the pictures are all from events like that, when other people were around and we were trying to sell a lie.

But over the past month, I’ve taken multiple pictures of her daily.

Candid pictures of her making coffee, laughing over a funny video with Liam’s moms at family dinner, and scrolling through her laptop looking up LEGO sets since she enjoyed building the roses so much.

And there are posed pictures, too. Cuddling the rabbits, looking over her shoulder at me in the shower, half-naked in my bed, with her hair fanned out around her on the pillow. There are thousands of them.

“Are you planning on torturing yourself by scrolling through your pictures all night?”

I jump and drop my phone on the table. “Shit, sorry. I’m not the best company tonight. ”

Lina reaches for my hand, covering it with her own. “I didn’t come here expecting you to be all sunshine and rainbows, SiSi. I came because you’re my sister, and no one should have to deal with a broken heart alone.”

“I figured you’d be just as mad at me as Kyo.”

Lina laughs, soft and melodic. “Oh, I’m plenty mad. But I also get it. And Kyo’s a hypocrite, because he broke up with me twice when we were younger, because he was scared of his feelings. Not to mention how hard he fought his feelings for Rylan.”

One thing no one prepared me for as a little sibling was how nice it would be once Kyo met someone.

He and Lina first got together when they were seventeen, and she’s been like my sister ever since.

When they met Rylan a few years later, I gained a new brother, and even though I know they’re all pissed at me, Lina jumped on a plane to Seattle as soon as Kyo told her what was going on, just in case I needed her.

Rylan has sent me no less than twenty animal memes, and, after our call ended so badly, Kyo just texted me a simple I love you, SiSi. I’m here for you, no matter what.

My siblings, by blood or not, are worth their weight in gold. And so are Rose’s. I hope she’s leaning on them. I would’ve liked a little more time to be sure their day out wasn’t a fluke, and she was actually going to let them in, but since when has time been known for its generosity?

“Are we going to talk about it?” Lina asks as I toy with the ring hanging from my neck.

I can’t take the collar off—I don’t have the key, and I’m not willing to break it.

So I took my ring off instead, then cried in my hotel room for hours.

But even though I don’t deserve any part of the ring anymore, I couldn’t separate myself from it completely, so I hung it from a chain like I did before anyone knew we were married.

It looks fucking stupid on top of the collar, but my dark circles and bloodshot eyes look stupid too, so at least I’m consistent.

“There’s nothing I want to do less than talk about it,” I say, taking a swig of my watered-down soda. Alcohol would be preferable, but I can’t be trusted with it right now.

My phone lights up on the table, vibrating as Jazz’s grinning face smiles up at us. Shit.

“I take it back. I want to answer that less,” I groan.

Lina slides the phone closer to me. “Answer it. You have to see her at work in a couple of days, so you have to talk to her.”

She’s right, but I don’t like it. I grab the phone and answer the call. “Hi.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I wince as Jazz shouts down the line. Oh, she’s pissed. I knew she would be. I expected this, but it still fucking sucks.

“I can—” I don’t get more than two words out before she’s ranting.

“I can’t believe you, Sierra. What the fuck? You walk out on my sister without so much as a goodbye, with no explanation, and now you’re on a date with someone else. I know you have commitment issues, but this is on another level. How could you do this to Rose?”

I sigh, leaning my head on my hand. “It’s more complicated than it seems, and—wait, what? What do you mean, I’m on a date with someone else?”

“At The Weather Vane.”

How the hell does she know where I am? I bet it was the bartender with the pink hair. She and Jazz are friendly.

“I’m at The Weather Vane, but I’m not on a date. I’m with Lina. She flew up to Seattle to make sure I’m okay.”

Jazz is quiet for a moment before saying, “Well, that doesn’t change any of the rest of it. Two weeks ago, you were telling me Rose was depressed, and she needed support, and now you’re walking out on her and leaving her literally alone. What if she’d hurt herself, Sierra?”

“Do you think I didn’t think about that? Of course I did. I knew she wouldn’t hurt herself while she had the bunnies to look after, and I was going to call you tomorrow morning and ask you to check on her. I would never do anything to put her in danger. You know that.”

“I thought I did, but I never thought you’d do this either. What am I supposed to think?”

I release a shaky breath. “I don’t know.”

A frustrated growl sounds down the line. “I’m trying to be pissed at you, and you sound like a kicked puppy. You’re making it really hard.”

“I’m sorry, I guess? Look, Jazz, I know I did a shitty thing.

I know I don’t have any right to be sad when I pulled the plug.

I promise, I get it. But I am sad. I know Rose is your sister, so you’re on her side—as you should be—so it probably means we’re not going to be friends anymore.

And yeah, I’m sad about that too. But it is what it is.

I knew all of that going into this, and now I’m living with the consequences.

That’s the choice I made.” It all comes out like a stream of consciousness, and it would sound more convincing if my voice didn’t crack.

“Hmm.”

“What does that mean?”

“Whatever you’re doing right now, you’re reminding me of myself a little.”

That’s not what I expected her to say. “Uh, thank you. I think?”

“It wasn’t a compliment,” Jazz says with a pained laugh. “Fuck. What a mess. I have to go, but we’ll talk on Monday. Are you okay? Relatively speaking.”

What a loaded question. “I… I’ll be fine.”

“Is Lina staying with you?”

“Until Monday, yeah,” I confirm.

“Good. I know things are complicated, and I can’t lie, this puts me in a really shitty position, but if you do need me, I’m here, okay?”

Her being so nice is only making me feel worse. I swallow down the lump in my throat. “Yeah. Thank you.”

I want to ask how Rose is, but Jazz is already saying goodbye. She didn’t volunteer the information, and it’s none of my business, but I think I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering how Rose is. Thinking about Rose. Missing Rose.

Every second that passes since I signed those fucking papers, my hand shaking so much my signature was barely legible, feels longer. Every second without Rose in my life feels endless. This was my doing. This was my choice. And I hate it. I hate it, and I hate myself .

It was a mistake, all of it. The getting married, the staying married, the sex, the collar, the lies, the bunnies, the stumbling in love, the leaving. But the only part of it I regret is the leaving.

I regret it so fucking much.

“Why am I like this?” I ask, tears slipping down my cheeks. “Why can’t I let myself get close to people? Every time, I willingly fuck it up. Who does that?”

“You’re scared, SiSi,” Lina says, brushing the tears from my cheeks. “That’s all it is. You got hurt so badly once that your heart doesn’t know the difference between risk and reward. It just sees the risk.”

“I think… I think this hurts more. I think this hurts more than anything has ever hurt before,” I admit, and Lina scoots closer so she can hug me.

“It’s not too late to fix it.”

Maybe it’s not. Maybe if I called her up right now and apologized, Rose would take me back. In fact, I’m almost certain she would. Because Rose is inclined to make decisions that hurt her, and that’s exactly what I did.