Page 61 of Date Knight (Roll for Romance #2)

“Okay, that’s true,” Chloe admitted, shrugging at me.

I felt my cheeks burn with self-consciousness, but I was determined to play it off. I flipped my hair over my shoulder dramatically. “Thank you.”

“Now, I’m still happy to set you up with my new colleague,” Fatima said. “We start work next week, and I can put in a good word.”

“Oooh, yes,” Morgan said, “date Hot Teacher!”

“He is way hotter than Phil,” Chloe said.

“Your opinion there means very little.” I squinted at her. “I couldn’t pay you to lock lips with any man.” And plus , I didn’t add, you’re also wrong.

She pulled a face. “That’s true.”

“Or that guy from the fantasy festival?” Fatima asked, looking at Chloe for confirmation.

“I mean, he did almost get her killed,” Morgan said, “but yeah, he was pretty hot.”

Dan had texted me, actually, but only to apologise again.

And I’d been with Phil at the time, so I’d just said thank you and let it taper off.

If I forced myself to remember sitting next to him, I wasn’t opposed to the idea of seeing him.

But try as I might to banish Phil, he still plagued my every waking moment, and I didn’t see that changing any time soon.

“Thank you,” I said earnestly, “but I think it’s a bit soon.”

“Of course.” Fatima held her hands up. “But the offer stands.”

I stood up to go pour myself another glass of wine– I was staying the night, so I figured I could drown my sorrows in bottom-shelf Savvy B if I needed to. But as I headed towards the kitchen, Morgan came with me.

“Hey, I’m sorry about that,” she said. “I did ask them not to bring it up. But I feel I should warn you, Chloe’s picked When Harry Met Sally as the film. So I don’t think they really got the memo.”

I sighed, immediately thinking of the lore drop about watching it with Phil. Of course Chloe had chosen that exact film. I would have almost certainly teared up at the best of times, but tonight was almost guaranteed to be full of waterworks if the ultimate friends-to-lovers film was on the docket.

I unscrewed the wine and poured myself a generous amount, finishing the last few sips directly out of the bottle once my glass was full.

“But I also wanted to say,” Morgan continued, “that I get it. I was kidding about Hot Teacher. I know the kinds of feelings you had for Phil don’t go anywhere overnight.”

I pressed my mouth into a thin smile. I didn’t want to think about what had happened to all the feelings I had for Phil.

I was pretty sure I’d successfully smushed them down somewhere inside me, and I was worried that identifying where would compromise the structural integrity of whatever was holding them there.

“It’s been almost a year since your brother and I broke up,” Morgan said, and I couldn’t stop a laugh escaping me, causing me to blow bubbles in my wine as I took a sip.

“Don’t I know it,” I said when I surfaced. I’d had to help him through that particular gauntlet. “Jack’s always been a drama queen, but god was he miserable when you guys split. But at least things worked out there.”

Morgan shrugged, quirking her eyebrow in a way that implied she was trying to draw a parallel. I frowned and set my glass down.

“I don’t really think it’s the same though, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“No, I know,” Morgan said. “Jack and I were each standing in our own way. You and Phil have much more tangible hurdles in your way.”

“There is no Phil and me,” I said, maybe a little more forcefully than I needed to. “Not really. He made that crystal clear when he said that at least I’d finally gotten to live out my fantasy of being with him.”

Morgan winced. “Ew, he said that to you?”

I nodded. “I’m pretty sure he only said it because he was trying to drive me away. But it fucking worked.”

“Well, I’m sorry he was such a dick. For someone who’s such a good friend, it sucks to know he was such a shitty boyfriend.”

I wished that had been true. If he’d been horrible to be with, it might have been easier to rid myself of the feelings I’d harboured for so long.

I could have resented him, like I resented Chris and Niamh, knowing that they had never been good for me.

But no, I couldn’t even have that satisfaction.

Because up until that last moment, he’d been perfect.

And losing him hurt all the more for it.

We carried our wine back into the lounge and curled up on the sofa again to watch the film. But before Chloe pressed play, Fatima cleared her throat.

“Just one more thing before I forget,” she said.

“I know it’s a few months away still, but I’ve been thinking about the next Ren Faire trip.

I know we talked about Arizona, but if we’re happy to wait until a bit later in the year, I found a really cool Airbnb for the seven of us near the grounds of one in California.

It’s supposed to be haunted, and it has a great dining room for some D the way Jack and even Mum had been trying to get in there to help.

I was pretty sure that no matter what, he wouldn’t be allowed to just retreat into caring for Ethel.

He had too many people who cared about him.

When he’d rejected me five years ago, I’d wanted nothing to do with him. We’d only re-entered each other’s lives because I’d moved home, and enough had happened in the intervening period that I was willing to overlook our history.

But as badly as he’d hurt me, and as angry as I was at how he’d lashed out when he’d felt cornered, I didn’t want that this time.

As hurt as I was, I didn’t want to have nothing to do with him.

If I never saw him again, sure, I could avoid awkwardness, but I would be sad.

Because the nature of our stupid fake relationship meant that– whilst to the rest of the world it looked like we’d been falling for one another, and maybe on some level we had been– we had actually developed a real friendship, probably for the first time in our long history.

Sure, we’d known one another for most of our lives, and we’d spent time together.

But it was the first time we’d had a relationship that didn’t hinge on other people.

And as much as I missed what we’d had romantically, I missed our friendship even more.

The way he’d always known when to listen to me without teasing.

The way he’d taken even the most outrageous parts of me seriously.

The way he’d fought to include me in every way he could, apparently.

The thoughtfulness he’d shown at every turn.

And that wasn’t even accounting for Ethel, whom I missed so badly I’d actually thought about crashing a physio appointment just so I could see her.

So yeah, I was hurt and angry and a little embarrassed.

But I also missed my friend. And the difference between the me of five years ago and the me who lay awake in that bed worrying about her friend was that I didn’t want to dig my heels in anymore.

I didn’t actually want to teach Phil a lesson or keep the upper hand, no matter how angry I felt.

Life was already bashing him over the head enough.

And if that meant swallowing my pride so I could show up for him when he needed someone the most, I could do that now. At least, I thought I could.

My oracle deck had told me the waning crescent signified endings, and I’d assumed that meant our relationship was over.

But just as a new moon cycle came each month, maybe our relationship was just entering a new cycle, too.

One that didn’t look like I’d hoped, but could be just as impactful if I let it. If I cultivated that impact.

As the sun crept up and filtered in through the window, I knew what I needed to do. So I packed up quietly and snuck out through the front door whilst the others were still asleep, waiting until I was outside to ring someone I knew would be up.

“Everything okay?” Jack asked when he picked up, sounding awake but alarmed.

“Yeah, it will be,” I said. “Are you at the house?”

“Just making breakfast,” he said. “Do you need me at Morgan’s?”

“No, that’s okay,” I said as I climbed into the Defender. “I’m on my way. But clear your morning if you can. I need your help.”

“Intriguing. What with?”

“With Phil,” I said, and I heard a sharp intake of breath on his end. “I think he needs an operations manager, and I know just the girl for the job.”

* * *

By the end of the day, we had what we needed. I’d egregiously abused my access to Anil’s number, and I’d gotten all the intel I needed to pull everything together. Mum was on board, Dad would be helping, and the rest of our friends had jobs to do, too. Now it was just down to Anil to get us in.

Jack left for Morgan’s as soon as we finished, but I rejected his offer of a ride.

I opted to walk back up the path to Mum and Dad’s house instead.

It still didn’t feel like home, even though I’d been back for a full year now; even though I’d grown up under its roof.

But as I was beginning to understand, that didn’t mean I didn’t belong here.

I’d always had a sense of restlessness; of waiting for something interesting to happen.

I’d felt like that starseed soul, on an alien planet.

And as I’d tried and failed over the years to make myself fit with other people, I’d become even more restless, probably because I’d known that my fate couldn’t possibly find me if I wasn’t even being myself.

But it turned out that I didn’t need to figure out exactly who I was in order to be myself.

I just had to let myself feel the love and passion I’d always had; to let the spiky bits of me exist instead of chipping away at them, even if that meant getting stuck from time to time.

And as I walked up the dirt road, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was being truly faithful to myself and what I wanted.

And I didn’t feel like an alien anymore.

No, “home” didn’t feel particularly like home, but god did it look beautiful as the sun set behind it, casting the sky in pinks and lilacs and fiery oranges.

So as I reached the old stone farmhouse, I stopped in the kitchen to give Mum a long-overdue hug, headed upstairs to my room, opened all the curtains to let the light in, and finally started unpacking.