Page 58 of Date Knight (Roll for Romance #2)

Anil took a deep breath and repositioned against the worktop.

“Let me guess. You feel guilty about her fall, so you’ve cut yourself off from everything that might distract you.

You’ve jumped in at the deep end with all the activities and therapies and all that, and you’re trying to do everything for her so nothing bad happens to make it worse. Am I right?”

Well, that was spooky. “You put a nanny cam in the house or something?” I asked, trying to sound casual and joking, but Anil just smiled sadly at me.

“I’ve seen it before, more than once. It’s a really normal response. But it’s not healthy, mate.”

I dropped my joking tone and shook my head. “I’m fine,” I said. “Seriously, don’t worry about me.”

“Well, I am worried about you,” Anil said, “but that’s not what I meant. I meant that it’s not healthy for Ethel.”

I blinked at him. “Sorry?” How is me giving her every possible resource and assistance not healthy for her? I didn’t ask.

He nodded. “It’s coming from a good place. I know that. I’ve seen how much you love her and how well you look after her. I’m not suggesting you’re not doing your best. But it can actually cause a faster decline to approach things the way you are.”

I could feel my breathing grow shallow, and I sat back to try to deepen it.

I fought the instinct to shut it down– to tell him to leave me to my juggling and we’d both be fine.

But I pictured Ethel in the other room, listening to an audiobook, and I thought of how Anil had worked so hard to help me get my feet under me after her diagnosis.

And I figured if I could let anyone help me, it should be him.

We wanted the same thing, after all, which was the best for Ethel.

“You’re gonna have to walk me through this,” I said, and I could hear the strain in my voice. “Because I swear, Anil, I’m trying my best to do the right thing. So what am I doing wrong?”

He chewed his tongue as he stared down at his hands, clearly considering something. “How honest do you want me to be?” he asked eventually.

“Completely honest,” I said without even thinking, and the moment it was out of my mouth I regretted it. I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever he said next.

Anil took a deep breath. “I think you need to consider moving Ethel into a care facility.”

I stood up straight before he’d even finished the word “moving”. I shook my head as I paced back and forth across the kitchen.

“That’s not an option,” I said, instantly feeling my breath quicken again.

“Why, Phil? Please, genuinely, tell me why.”

“Because it’s not,” I said, more forcefully than I intended, and then brought my hand to my mouth.

“Is everything okay?” I heard Ethel call from the lounge.

“Yes, sorry,” I called back. “Just speaking with Anil.”

Ethel didn’t respond, which told me she either hadn’t heard me, hadn’t cared to hear me, or didn’t currently remember who Anil was.

“It’s not an option,” I said, pointing towards the other room. “That saint of a woman took me in when I was eight years old, becoming a mum again at sixty. She came out of early retirement to provide for me and gave me everything I ever wanted or needed.”

“I know that,” Anil said, his hands open in front of him, pleading.

“And believe me, it’s so clear to anyone who meets you both how much you love Ethel.

How grateful you are to her. But Phil, I’ve seen this happen before with others I’ve cared for.

There are usually more people to share the load, but when there aren’t, it’s always one person thinking they need to do everything, even if their loved one doesn’t want that for them.

And I can say so confidently that Ethel doesn’t want you sacrificing everything to care for her. ”

“Don’t fucking speak for her,” I said, instantly right back in that pink room with Amy, pointing my finger in anger.

But Anil wasn’t Amy, and he pushed up away from the worktop. “Then who will, Phil? Because I don’t think you are.”

My mouth dropped open. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He put his hands up in a kind of surrender, as if he felt he’d gone too far.

“I mean that, if you’re the one speaking for her, then be honest. Do you think, if she woke up fully lucid tomorrow, that she’d be happy with the way you’ve shut yourself off from everyone and everything in your life to care for her?

Genuinely, do you? Because if so, maybe I’m wrong. ”

But he wasn’t wrong. I knew he wasn’t. Because if Ethel woke up fully lucid, the first thing she’d do after telling me off for how I’d treated Amy would be to check herself in. And I knew it.

But I also knew that as soon as it happened, that would be it.

It wouldn’t be Ethel and me against the world anymore, the way it had been for as long as I could remember.

It would be just me, away from her. And if I didn’t have Ethel, then who was I?

I’d never existed in the world outside of the context of who I was to her.

“You’re not wrong,” I admitted, sitting down in the closest chair, across from Anil this time. “But she’s not there yet.”

“She’s closer than you think.”

“Okay, well, I’m not there yet.”

“And that’s okay,” he said, leaning back again.

“There are lots of middle ground options. But they all involve you letting go and investing in a bit more care for her. Because looking at you, you’re not gonna make it much longer.

And if you think she wouldn’t want you giving up everything to care for her, imagine how pissed she’d be if you flamed out because of it.

You can only do your best, and that doesn’t mean ignoring your own health and limitations and sanity for her sake. ”

Anil made sure I was looking him in the eye before he continued.

“Phil, if you shoulder all of that burden yourself, and then you break, she breaks with you.”

“Then I won’t break,” I insisted, though I knew I sounded less confident than I’d intended.

“I mean this with all the love in the world, mate,” he said, pinching his brow sympathetically, “you look pretty cracked to me.”

I both knew he was right and hated him for saying it at the same time.

Because even if he had a solution, it didn’t change the fact that I was the one keeping all the balls in the air in that moment.

And I was worried that even the slightest suggestion of passing some or all of them off would make the whole lot come crashing down.

Anil and I made plans for him to come over again on Monday. He’d send me some articles to read the following day, and then we could talk about what the middle ground options were. But for now, he said I should focus on having a restful weekend, as much as that was actually possible.

I waved from the front door as he climbed into his van, then poked my head back inside to confirm that Ethel was still happily sat in front of the television. Then, instead of shutting the door, I went to sit on the front bench.

I didn’t really believe Mum and Dad were smiling down on me or anything like that, of course.

The only reason I felt close to them sitting there was because I’d seen their ashes go into the hole where we’d planted the tree.

I tried to channel my inner Amy and suspend my disbelief long enough to think they might be able to hear me if I spoke, but I felt nothing.

I wanted to tell them how badly I needed them.

How much I wished they were here so I could keep my crappy little car instead of buying a van, or spend my money on something stupid instead of worrying about paying for Ethel’s care, or go on holiday with my girlfriend’s family without a care in the world.

But unlike usual, when I tried to speak, I couldn’t make my mouth form the words.

I was too tired, and I was more certain than ever that there was nobody there.

And maybe Anil was right and I had options, but as much as he wanted me to rest, none of those options were going to let me take the evening off.

So I stood up and went inside so I could start on our brain-healthy dinner.