Page 54 of Date Knight (Roll for Romance #2)
Amy
I didn’t need the cards to tell me what Phil was doing; I’d seen the warning signs when he’d broken down in my arms just over a week ago.
Had I imagined it would happen so quickly?
No. But part of me had known it would happen eventually, and it hurt just as badly as I’d known it would.
It felt like something inside me, maybe the version of me that had always loved Phil, was trying to claw itself out of my chest. And the last thing I wanted was to spend my time crying about a boy in bed, even if that boy was Phil.
Still, I couldn’t stop myself from doing a reading when I woke up late Wednesday morning. There was something comforting in the shuffle of the cards; something cathartic about letting the tarot tell me how to feel.
I opted for a three-card spread to represent past, present, and future, focusing all my energy on Phil. Which wasn’t hard, given that his smug face when he’d driven me away was all I’d been able to think about since it had happened.
For the past, I drew the Hanged Man, upright.
It stood for sacrifice. Martyrdom. Phil had been sacrificing his entire life for Ethel since her first fall years ago.
I tried not to let my mind go to the place it wanted to– thinking that he’d been playing the martyr by pretending to be with me all along.
For the present, I drew the High Priestess in reverse.
Since she normally represented intuition and being in touch with one’s feelings, the opposite was repression.
Lack of centre. And based on how easily Phil had shoved his feelings down last night, this didn’t surprise me either.
He hadn’t even seemed scared or upset. Just resigned. Cold. Completely un feeling, even.
Finally, for the future, I drew a reversed Two of Pentacles.
Upright, it would have symbolised balance and adaptation.
But reversed, it foreshadowed the opposite.
Disorganisation, loss of balance, overwhelm.
The things I’d seen coming a million miles off for months, but which now seemed more inevitable than ever.
I tried to find it in myself to feel empathy for him; to remember that he was slowly, cruelly losing Ethel after having already lost his parents. I knew that on some level it was his trauma from their death causing his reaction now.
But still, he’d been so horrible to me, and so easily.
I knew he was probably scared shitless, but it didn’t make it okay that he’d said those things to me.
If anything, it made it worse, because he’d made the deliberate decision to say what he knew would hurt me the most. He knew how to get under my skin– he always had– and he’d pushed the exact right buttons to make me hate him.
And I did. I hated him more than I ever had. So no, there was no room in my heart that morning to feel sadness for his future. At least I’d been right, I supposed, even if it was at the expense of my own happiness.
* * *
On Thursday, Phil finally texted the group back whilst I was trying to distract myself with work, and I flung my laptop aside onto the bed to read his message as soon as it came through.
PHIL
Hey everyone, sorry for the radio silence.
Ethel had another fall on Tuesday, which was why I rushed out.
Sorry for not updating you sooner. She’s mostly okay, but it’s gonna be a bit intense around here for a while, so I’m going to have to bail on the fantasy ball.
Anil’s forcing me out of the house to play D still though, he’d said it, knowing what it would do to me.
He was fully aware of how hard it had been for me to accept that he actually liked me for me, and he’d thrown that back in my face so easily.
“Hey,” Jack said, “if I’m not allowed to defend him, neither are you. Now come here.” He pulled me in for a hug, and I let him squeeze me tight like he had when we were kids.
“Thank you,” I said. “You have no idea how much that means to me, actually.”
“Probably about as much as having you around means to me,” he said as he pulled back. “Now come on. You need a cup of chamomile tea and a puppy cuddle.”
My eyes went wide. “You have a puppy for me to cuddle?”
He nodded. “I’ve got him today whilst Morgan’s at a work event.”
“Why didn’t you lead with that?”
“I figured you were upset, but I wasn’t sure if it would be a crying sort of upset or a throwing things sort of upset.”
“Throw things? Moi ?” I joked as I followed him out of the room.
“Hah!” He laughed over his shoulder as he headed down the stairs. “Says the Aries.”
* * *
The Pablo cuddles did help, and the chamomile surprisingly did too, but I had a lot of hard things still ahead of me that day. The first was to let Niamh know once and for all that I wouldn’t be at the wedding. It was ridiculous that I’d let it go on so long without RSVPing, really.
But just as I unlocked my phone to message, Sophie sent a message through in an old group chat from a birthday dinner for Maya a couple of years ago, with a few other people in it, including Niamh.
SOPHIE
What are everyone’s plans for the morning after the wedding? We’re thinking brunch at the country club if anyone’s in? @Amy Evans that includes you and your new man!
My heart sank at the reference to my “new man”, but I wasn’t about to admit in a text that we’d broken up. I did need to bite the bullet though.
AMY
Hey! So weird, I was just about to message Niamh. Phil and I actually can’t come anymore unfortunately; his nan is having health problems. But we send our congratulations.