Page 27 of DaR (Darverius, House of DaR #1)

Chapter Twenty-Five

KIRA

It’s another sleepless night, since I’ve tossed and turned since I laid down. I’m either too hot or too cold. I squirmed around so much that even Ickis decided to get up and go outside.

My new chaise lounges were delivered today, but instead of them making me happy, all they did was remind me of all I’d lost. I can’t count the evenings Rick , and I sat out on our swing or in the chaise lounges talking about our day or looking up at the stars.

Every time I think I’m doing a little better, they say something, or a random object triggers a memory.

I don’t want to forget our life but I just wish it didn’t hurt so badly when I remember.

I throw my legs over the bed and just sit there running my fingers through my hair. Maybe a hot tea will help me, so I quietly walk barefoot through the house toward the food replicator. I press the button on the side and lean against the counter, waiting for the light to turn green.

I smile when I see Ickis playing with his tail out in the backyard. The light flashes and I take the cup out. Holding it by the bottom because it’s so hot, I walk outside and look up.

Wow , what a beautiful sight. The sky is clear, and the stars shine brightly. I settle down into the chaise lounge closest to me and lean my head back, staring up at the unfamiliar sky above me. There isn’t a single familiar constellation in sight.

I feel the tears flow down my cheeks, and a sob leaves my throat.

I’m fighting a losing battle, and I know it.

I thought if I built something familiar it would help me to adjust, but all it’s done is reinforce the fact that I’m never going home.

That the familiar parts of my life I seek are no longer reachable.

I have nothing to anchor myself to and I’m free floating in this world.

A world so full of unknowns and dangers that I’m too scared to walk the hell out the front door by myself.

I’ve become a prisoner and the only thing I’m guilty of is being a human female.

“ Kira , are you troubled?”

I hear his deep voice before I see him. He’s apparently been sitting in the other chaise lounge the whole time and I never noticed. How in the world did I not see HIM ?

I think about lying to him, but what’s the use? “ No DaR , I’m not. I’m being a completely irrational female right now. My mind is pulling me one way and my heart the other.”

I look over at him and catch him staring at my legs.

Crap , I forgot I had one of his shirts on.

When I sat down and pulled my legs up, the material bunched up around my hips, leaving my legs completely bare.

I straighten them and try to pull the shirt down, but it doesn’t go far and for some reason this only makes me cry harder.

He gets up and walks back into the house, never saying a word. I don’t know whether to be happy he left without a word or to be pissed about it.

I take a few deep breaths and rub the mark on my arm. I know better than to get this upset. Crying only makes me feel bad and it never solves anything. I take a drink of my tea and wipe my nose on my sleeve because that’s totally ladylike.

“ Raise your arms up.”

I look up and DaR is standing over me with the blanket off my bed.

“ Sorry , but it took me a tic to find this. I thought you had more than one.”

He lays the blanket over me, and I snuggle down into it. “ Thank you, that was very thoughtful. I’m sorry for being so difficult. Some days I thank you for saving me, and then other days, or should I say nights, I wish you would’ve let me die. ”

He pulls the other chaise lounge over next to mine; so close they’re almost touching.

“ Kira , you are not the only one who has lost someone they loved to the great unknown.

My father was lost to me many rotations ago.

He was traveling with six others to a conference.

It was a routine flight, one that he had made many times.

From what we can tell, a giant black hole opened while they were mid-flight.

The pilot should have been able to detect it in advance and navigate around it as this happens often, but it seems to have sucked their shuttle through without warning.

They did not even have time to send out a distress beacon.

I have searched from one end of the galaxy to the other, following every lead, but to no avail. Losing my father was one of the worst moments in my life. I was so engrossed with my own career and my own goals at the time.”

I watch him run his hand through his hair.

“ I should have spent more time with him.

We were so different from each other; he was the scholar, and I was the warrior.

He never missed a tournament or a competition, even though I know he hated the violence.

He was always in the stands cheering me on, whether I won or lost, it made no difference to him.

He was still proud of me and he never failed to tell me or show me he loved me.

Once he was gone, I realized I was not half the man he was. Especially when I had my own boys to raise. So many times, I needed my father’s advice .

I have never stopped looking for him. My mind tells me he is gone, but my heart tells me that if anyone could have made it, my father would have.

I will always be that little boy searching for his father.

The council declared them all deceased after twenty rotations, but I still refuse to believe it.

The day I was granted house status, I remember looking out into the crowd for him. House status was something he wanted for me more than I did for myself. He would have worn my mark proudly, even though I always thought he was the one who deserved it more.

I have spent rotations staring up at these stars, praying the Lord of Light delivered him somewhere safely and that he has found happiness in his journey.

I am sure your Rick is looking down at you now praying for the same thing.

I envy this Rick you speak so highly of.

To love and be loved so deeply is eye-opening.

My career has always been my life, but I realized something this rising.

It will not miss me when I am gone. My name will be mentioned in passing, and then another will take my place.

I hate that your heart has been so broken that you feel like you can never love again. I also understand that the love of a mate is different than that of a parent or a child.”

“ DaR , honey, you never replace someone you have loved or lost. You just hope your heart has room for more. ”

I reach over and take his hand in mine, squeezing gently. Neither one of us says another word, we just lie there under the stars, thinking about our lives before this moment.

I know this is a turning point for me. No more feeling sorry for myself; things happen that we can’t change. I will live the life Rick died to give me, so that all the laughter and the tears from this point on will float toward him in heaven.