Page 67 of Damaged Desires

TRISTAN: I almost just gagged. Don’t imply there’s anything remotely sexual between Nash and me. He’s more the brother I never had. But just like a lot of siblings do, we’re going through a rough patch right now.

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Relief that my actions hadn’t done anything to hurt her or Nash or a relationship I’d imagined. Wariness because using her as a shield to protect me from what I felt for him would be gone if there was nothing there between them more than familial love. Fear because my emotions for Nash were complicated and because we were both pretty screwed up people who could easily hurt each other.

TRISTAN: Truth is, I need a break from more than him. I need a break from everything that reminds me of Darren, including this town we grew up in. I’m going back to New York to stay with my grandma for a while.

ME: What about Molly?

TRISTAN: I’m taking her with us. We’re leaving tomorrow.

ME: Will you let me know when you get there?

TRISTAN: Will do. And Dani, be gentle with him. He’s hurting, and he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of forgiveness or love.

Love was definitely not something I could think about. Not with him.

But the reminder that he was hurting, that Tristan was hurting, brought into perfect clarity how ridiculous I was for my episodes in the elevator. I hadn’t lost a husband. I hadn’t had to pick up my best friend’s bloody body to bring back to his family. I’d been kissed and grabbed and hit. I’d had a few nasty words flung my way. It wasn’t anything compared to their losses.

I turned to watch him as he sat in the armchair, flipping through his laptop with a frown on his face. His guilt was still rippling off him in waves. Not only for what had happened today, but also from what he’d said to me earlier about not deserving the Silver Star. He’d been the reason any of them had come home. He’d been the reason families had bodies to bury.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Going through the personnel files again.”

“Do you really think it’s someone on the team?” I asked, my heart sagging at the thought.

“Not sure yet. I do know there was no way she was in that restaurant today.”

I didn’t argue with him because I certainly didn’t want him to feel more responsible than he already did.

He closed his laptop. “I feel like we’re missing a piece, which just reinforces the need to split up.”

“Won’t it put Brady in a worse situation?” I asked, worry coursing through me.

“If someone from Brady’s group is involved, and they want us to believe it’s Fiona acting alone, they’ll have to take a step back while he’s in hiding. Otherwise, it’ll just expose them more and have us deep-diving into everyone’s lives.”

It was all too much to think about on top of everything else I’d been through. I was exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. I wanted to step away from it all as more than just a survivor. I wanted to be resilient and strong. But right now, I needed sleep, and hopefully, when I woke in the morning, I’d truly step out from the ashes and start again.

Nash

STILL BREATHING

“I've been running all my life.

Just to find a home that's for the restless,

And the truth that's in the message,

Making my way, away, away.”

Performed by Green Day

Written by Armstrong / Pritchard / Wright III / Slack / Spiller

Dani came out of the bathroomina pair of cotton shorts so tiny they barely covered her butt cheeks and a tank which almost showed as much as it hid. They were clearly pajamas of some sort in a print almost childlike. Cupcakes and unicorns. Things I’d never associated with a grown woman before.

Dani lay down in the bed where she’d slept earlier. Her eyes were so tired they looked bruised. When she closed her eyes, I got up and turned off the lights before sitting back down in the chair. I slouched, resting my neck on the chair back, staring at the ceiling.

I was pretty sure I wouldn’t sleep.