Page 14 of Cursed to Love (Cursed to Love #1)

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Saturday, November 2

P aige had been looking forward to tonight all day. Saturday could just become her favorite day of the week. Last Saturday hadn’t gone exactly as she would have liked, but she’d had years of her body not cooperating. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t still enjoy herself.

After taking Emmie out trick or treating on Thursday and showing a bunch of properties yesterday, she was tired. The entire week had been good but exhausting and she and Blake hadn’t spent as much time just relaxing in the evenings as they had the week before.

She loved the time she, Blake, and Emmie spent together, but she needed mommy time too. Evenings with Blake had become her favorite way to spend mommy time.

Could they have a deeper friendship without her falling into old habits? Without her falling in love?

Financially, she was already reliant on Blake. As much as that should worry her, it didn’t because it was only temporary. With her latest commission check, she’d gotten a bit of reprieve from her debt, and as long as she was careful and Blake didn’t make her suddenly leave, that trend would continue.

Being reliant on his friendship was something else entirely and she knew all too well that emotional devastation could be just as bad as financial. But maybe it was too late to worry about that now because she looked forward to seeing him every morning and evening. What if her heart eventually mistook this interim solution for the fairy-tale dream she’d had once upon a time?

In the past, Blake had gotten so caught up with school and work that he didn't have time for her. Even though school wasn’t in the picture anymore, Blake had an entire company to run. And she couldn’t forget that Blake didn’t want more than friendship either. Would he eventually think she was too much of a burden? And what about Emmie? Would she come to expect time with Blake and how would she feel if one day he was no longer in their lives?

Although Blake wasn’t like Craig, she’d seen Blake withdraw several times. Needing time for himself is one thing, but if his withdrawals and moods had been more than that, it could be a reason for her to be concerned.

For years she’d been afraid to speak up because Craig interpreted anything she said as criticism of him. He always found a way to spin it and place the blame on Paige until she became too fearful to say anything. She promised herself she would never live like that ever again, but she’d done nothing to prevent it from happening again.

Tonight, she would take control of her situation and talk to Blake. If she expected him to open up to her and be honest about what he wanted and why he’d been moody, then she had to do the same.

If that didn’t work, then she would make plans to move out sooner rather than later.

Feeling good about her plan, Paige turned off the overhead light in Emmie’s room and left the door ajar before heading downstairs. Emmie had only lasted for one book. Not surprising after the last couple of days and the game of tag they’d played in the backyard after dinner.

Emmie had been one happy but tired little girl, almost falling asleep in her bath. Sometimes when that happened, she got a second wind, and it took forever to get her wound down again. Luckily that wasn’t the case tonight. She’d been out like a light in no time. Now Paige could have some mommy time, something she’d been looking forward to all week.

Paige heard jazz music playing softly when she reached the bottom of the stairs. Only a floor lamp was on, casting a soft glow in the room.

She smiled at him where he lounged against the corner of one couch, two glasses of wine on the coffee table he’d pulled closer.

“She asleep?” Blake asked.

“Within seconds.” Paige settled onto the other end of the couch and accepted the glass of wine he offered. “Thanks.”

Blake played with the stem of his glass as if nervous. “This okay instead of a game tonight?”

“After a busy week and the game of tag tonight? It’s perfect.” She took a sip of her wine, relaxing back into the cushions.

For several minutes they drank their wine and listened to the music. Reluctant to break the comfortable silence, Paige almost didn’t want to bring up all she’d been thinking about. Then the little nagging voice in the back of her mind that wanted her to be independent spoke up. That’s what you did in the past—kept your head in the sand to keep the peace—and look where that got you.

Paige put her empty wine glass on the table and sat back into the cushions again. She pulled her socked feet up and wrapped her arms around her knees.

Blake set his own wine glass on the table and shifted so he faced her. “What’s wrong? You look like you just withdrew.”

“No.” Protecting herself wasn’t the same as withdrawing, so she hadn’t lied. She knew she’d pulled back to protect herself, not that her arms could shield her heart. “Maybe…” She took a deep breath and met Blake’s gaze. The voice in her mind egged her on. You can do this.

“I want to tell you how I came to be living in the strip mall.”

Blake nodded and reached for the wine bottle on the table. He filled his glass and lifted the bottle and his brows in question to her.

“Sure.” Another glass of wine might help her resolve.

“Thanks.” She accepted the refilled glass from him and took a sip. “I don’t know if you remember, but Craig broke up with me the summer before I started college and you and I met.”

“I do.”

“When Craig and I met the winter before he seemed like he was right out of a fairy tale—tall, dark, and handsome. He was four years older than me, and since I took time off after high school to work, he felt so much more worldly than me because he had already finished college and was working as an engineer. He seemed like he was all that and a bag of chips.”

She let out a humorless laugh. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was a narcissist. Actually, it took me years to see it… To learn that he didn’t want me, but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either.”

When Paige had finally looked back at their time together, all the signs had been there. If only she hadn’t been so young and desperate for a partner to love her that she’d turned a blind eye to everything she didn’t want to see. She couldn’t even pinpoint exactly why she had been that way, except perhaps to say that she had wanted to be recognized as someone special.

“After you and I started dating, I bumped into Craig a few times. He was best friends with the brother of one of my friends, so we were bound to run into each other now and then. The first time I saw him, you and I had been dating for about four months or so. It was after Christmas, and he asked how I was. He was so good at faking kindness and interest… He still is, if he wants to… Anyway… I told him I was doing well. School was great, and I was dating you. I don’t know if I was trying to rub it in his face or not. I had just turned twenty and wasn’t as mature as I gave myself credit for, so maybe.

“After that, we bumped into each other several more times. He was charming and kind, even more than he’d been before.” She looked down at her wine, running her finger along the rim as she pictured Craig’s face as he’d feigned interest, although she didn’t know at the time it was fake. He’d continued to ask her out even though he knew she was dating Blake.

“Oh…” She flung her chin up and looked at Blake as something occurred to her. “I don’t want you to think I cheated on you. I didn’t. I never would have done that. But, knowing Craig like I do now, I think he would have liked the thought of that so he could be the one that pulled me away from you. But every time he asked to meet with me alone, I turned him down.”

Blake reached out and squeezed her free hand. “I know you wouldn’t have,” he said softly.

She let out a long breath. For all her mistakes, at least she hadn’t made that one. Many of the things she’d done over the years to survive—like lying to Craig when she’d been studying to become a realtor and living in a strip mall—could be considered wrong or questionable in many people’s eyes, but she’d tried to never hurt anyone.

Looking into Blake’s eyes now, her throat began to burn. She swallowed, trying to ignore it, and pushed through. It didn’t matter if he thought less of her; she had to get everything out in the open so their friendship could be based on honesty and understanding.

“I think I was falling in love with you,” she whispered. “I wanted to be with you all the time. It was like I was depending on you for my happiness.”

When Blake opened his mouth as if to say something, she held up her free hand to stop him. “Please, let me get this out.”

He nodded, and she took a sip of wine to help soothe the burning before she continued.

“I’ve learned that the only person who can make me happy is me. But at the time I didn’t know that, and I was lonely. You were juggling school and work, and you never had any time for me. Craig kept showing up when I was with my friend, and I think he saw how lonely I was. Well… maybe not, that would have taken empathy on his part—something Craig has never had—but he may have seen how vulnerable I was, and he continued to push me. He told me he loved me and realized that breaking up with me was a huge mistake. He promised to love me and always be there for me and I believed him because it was what wanted I really wanted to hear at the time. It was stupid to break up with you, but I don’t regret it.”

“Because of Emmie,” Blake said, full of understanding.

“Yes, because of Emmie. I can’t regret Craig for a moment because he gave me her.”

“What happened when you went back to him?”

Paige drained her wine and set the glass on the table.

“More?” Blake asked.

She debated for a moment, then shook her head. Never much of a drinker, even though she enjoyed wine, she didn’t want to use it as any more of a crutch than it’d already been.

“I was a mess of emotions. I missed you and was angry you didn’t fight for me.”

“For the longest time I regretted that I didn’t fight for you either, and then it was just too late.”

“Why didn’t you fight for me?”

He snorted a laugh, but there wasn’t any humor in it. “My ego got in the way. And probably immaturity too. I was struggling with school and keeping the company afloat. So many people depended on me for their livelihoods, and I think maybe fighting for you felt like too big of an ask at the time.”

He scrubbed his hands over his face and then met her gaze. “I wanted you to fight for me too.”

Paige huffed out a humorless laugh. “Wow, what a pair we were.”

“Yes, but no regrets, right?”

“Right.” She thought back to that time and everything she’d been feeling. “It didn’t take me long to realize that so many of the lines Craig had fed me were only what he thought I wanted to hear. But I’d made my decision, and my pride told me to suck it up. Then… I guess… somewhere along the way, I became trapped. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Not how much I cleaned, or what I cooked. It didn’t matter what it was. Eventually he wouldn’t even allow me to adjust the thermostat.”

She felt shame heat her face as she thought back to all the times she had to ask his permission to do something and how he made her reclean something she’d already cleaned because it wasn’t up to his standards.

Paige expected to see a look of disappointment on Blake’s face, but all she saw was understanding. She had to remind herself again that he wasn’t Craig. She may have left her ex over a year ago, but the habits she’d formed to deal with him and survive hadn’t just gone away. Several times over the last couple of weeks she’d found herself expecting a particular reaction from Blake and getting the exact opposite. It might even take months or years before she no longer projected Craig’s habits and reactions onto Blake or any other man she ended up with.

“This is going to sound even more stupid…”

“No. Whatever you’re going to say will sound like you did whatever was necessary to get through each day. That’s not stupid.”

She looked at her hands, fiddling with the cuff of her sweatshirt as she spoke, not able to look Blake in the eyes. “This next part… it wasn’t about survival, it was just me being an idiot. I felt like I couldn’t leave Craig because I was probably the best thing to ever happen to him. He’d never get anyone who would go out of their way for him like I did. But, on the other hand, he continually cut me down to the point that I felt worthless. I began to think that no one better than him would ever want me because I was such a loser. It was a trap of my own making.” Paige lifted her eyes to Blake’s. “What a juxtaposition, huh?”

“Yes, but it makes sense. You’ve always been a strong person, and that part of you was probably fighting with the part of you that felt less-than because of how he treated you.” They were quiet for a moment before Blake asked, “What made you finally leave him?”

“What was my wake-up call? My aha moment? That all-important epiphany?” she asked, her tone dripping with self-deprecation.

The corners of his lips twitched up in a small smile. “Yeah, all that.”

“A jar of peanut butter.”

Blake barked out a laugh. “It must have been one hell of a jar.”

She smirked and told him all about that fateful trip to the grocery store and how she realized that she no longer knew who she was.

When she finished her story, she felt no less shame than she did every time she thought about it. This was the first time she’d ever shared her story with someone and voicing it out loud made it even easier to recognize everything she’d done wrong.

“I didn’t think I’d ever be grateful for a jar of peanut butter or a brick of cheese. But…” His smile sobered. “I’m thankful you were able to get out of your situation.”

She lowered her eyes. “I was such an idiot. It’s not like he hit me. I should have just stood up to him and walked away.”

“Paige, look at me,” Blake said.

He hadn’t raised his voice, but she was powerless to refuse his gentle command. She met his gaze.

“You’re not an idiot. You’re smart and brave.” He leaned forward, his face only inches from hers. She licked her lips, wanting him to kiss her so she could forget about all the stupid things she’d done.

Instead, he lifted her hand and held it. “What Craig did to you was emotional abuse. He belittled you and gaslighted you. Because it’s insidious, it is just as bad as if he’d hit you. The damage is still there, you just don’t see it coming. It’s like death by a thousand cuts.”

That’s exactly how Paige had felt, but she’d never been able to put it into words like that before. Craig had made her bleed in small ways every day until the day in the grocery store when she realized that she would lose herself completely if she didn’t get out.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

Blake dropped her hand and sat back. He looked almost as shaken as she felt.

“How did you get out?” he asked.

“With planning.” Of all the things Paige had told Blake, she hadn’t yet told him her biggest mistake of all. That she’d been such an idiot by trusting Craig.

“It took me a long time, and I’m still learning who I am. Most days, I still question my thoughts, wondering if they’re really my own or from years of training.” To lift the mood, she grinned before she said, “But I do know I like organic cashew butter over peanut butter and mozzarella cheese over cheddar.”

Blake barked another laugh. “Good to know.”

She smiled at his laughter, feeling lighter than she had since she started her story. But it wouldn’t last. She still hadn’t answered his question.

“So… How I got out...” She was dragging it out, but it wasn’t because she didn’t want to tell him. Explaining would mean telling him one more way she was an idiot.

“I’d still like to know… but only if you want to tell me.”

“I do. I just… To do that, I’ll have to tell you the first really stupid mistake I made.” Maybe getting everything out in the open would help him see her triggers and where she was coming from.

“I…” She looked up at him through her lashes, wondering how she could face him while she spewed her failures. “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

A softness came over his rugged, handsome features. “Maybe not looking at me while you’re talking will help.”

Before she could ask what he meant, he reached forward and grasped her hips, turning her around. With his back to the corner of the couch, one leg stretched out in front of him and the other knee bent, his foot on the floor, he pulled her into his body. Her back rested against his chest, his arms wrapped around her, his hands laying loosely on her stomach.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she melted against him and placed her hands on top of his. The position felt almost as intimate as when they’d had sex, just different. “Are you ready to hear how stupid I was? To know more ways I failed?”