Page 10 of Collision of Winters (Hillcroft Group #4)

I scrunched my nose. “What money would I put in there? I’m broke! When rent’s paid, I have to prioritize the bills.”

He furrowed his brow. “How can you afford your hobbies?”

I shrugged. “Birthday money, Christmas money, trading collectibles, and, occasionally, a partner feeling bad about not having time for me.” For some reason, I attracted business guys who worked too much.

“The last Dom I was with gave me something from the comic bookstore every time he had to cancel a date. It was how I could afford car insurance while we were together. I sold the stuff he gave me.”

The furrow between his brows had deepened. “How long did that relationship last?”

I wasn’t sure I could call it a relationship. More like a dynamic. “We weren’t really together, but…a few months? I can never find anything lasting.”

In the end, I’d had to sell my car. Couldn’t afford it. At the time, I hadn’t needed it anyway, because I’d worked five minutes away from my apartment.

“But we all know there’s something wrong with me,” I joked. Although, I was dead serious.

Wade shook his head. “I hate it when you talk down about yourself, blue. You make it sound like everything is your fault. When something goes wrong, you internalize it and blame yourself.”

That depended on the situation. “I’m not saying everything’s my fault,” I argued.

“It’s not like I’m sitting around settling for scraps.

I was the one who ended things with my last three partners, but I’m clearly lacking something if I struggle so hard to connect with someone.

Dallas has a pretty good kink scene. It shouldn’t be so damn hard. ”

Oh no. I could tell I had triggered the medical professional in Wade. He was gonna turn me into his patient.

“Let’s get to the bottom of things, then,” he said. “What are you looking for in a relationship? I understand it’s difficult to describe exactly what sparks chemistry, so we’ll start with structure, traits, and routines.”

I chewed on the corner of my lip, thinking. I didn’t mind his questions, to be honest. If it helped me understand myself better, so be it. As long as he didn’t view me as a head case.

Listen to yourself. About two minutes ago, you couldn’t imagine having someone else figure you out before you did.

Well, screw it! The circumstances had changed, maybe?

I cleared my throat. “I guess I can start by saying that I don’t want kink to take up half as much brain space as it does when I don’t have it in my life.

Like, right now, it’s all I can think of—because I miss it.

But in a relationship that suits me, it’s…

quiet, running in the background. With maintenance checks, obviously.

But I just…want something consistent and solid.

A regular everyday routine, you know? We go off to work, we come home, Daddy will cook because I suck at it,” I had to add.

Wade chuckled a little at that. “But I can do the dishes and clean and do laundry and…” I shrugged. “I like things tidy.”

“You want chores, in other words.”

I nodded. “Definitely. They make me happy, because I can cross things off my list and please my Dom at the same time.”

He looked around himself, searching for something, only to come to a stop, chuckle, and pinch the bridge of his nose.

“What’s funny?” I wondered.

He huffed. “I was looking for my pen so I could make notes.”

Oh my gosh, because he’d slipped into session mode, like I actually was a patient of his!

I snickered, though I wasn’t sure how to feel. On the one hand, I was allowing myself to open up for actual help, and Wade was the man who could do that. On the other…ugh, I really didn’t want him to see me as a patient.

“I’m gonna keep this notepad away from you, Sir,” I teased, placing the pad he’d given me on my lap.

“That’s probably for the best,” he agreed. “I apologize. While observing is part of the job, I’m so used to being able to ask questions and get verbal answers. Sometimes with a slew of curses too.”

Sounded like cranky patients.

Which made me realize that I didn’t actually know where he worked these days. He’d mentioned that he wasn’t at the hospital anymore.

“So, you went back to work after you burned out, right?” I asked.

He inclined his head. “I did. I started out slowly with part time, and now my schedule is full again.”

“As long as you’re careful.”

He smiled. “I am. It helps that I really love my work, for once. It’s less clinical now. No research work either. More counseling.”

Yeah, he’d always been good at that.

“Where is it? A smaller practice?”

He let out a chuckle and shifted a bit in his seat. “It’s at Quin’s agency, actually.”

What?

I wrinkled my forehead, confused. “Why would a bunch of mall cops and cybersec guys need a psychiatrist?”

Mall cops might be harshly put. Security personnel and bodyguards were better terms.

Wade eyed me with a pinch of amusement. “Have you ever Googled Hillcroft, Kayden?”

Why would I do that? “Uh, whenever Dad talks about work, it’s all cybersecurity, IT stuff, and budget reports. Thanks, I’m good.”

I had, however, asked Chris about his role at Hillcroft since he wasn’t an office guy, but he never divulged much.

“Chris told me about the time he escorted a diplomat to Libya,” I mentioned. “That was cool.”

Chris did a lot of that, from my understanding, though usually domestically.

“That’s also why someone like me is needed there,” Wade explained. “When people come home from those assignments, they sometimes need someone to talk to.”

Huh. All right. I didn’t have to worry about Wade’s job anymore, because that sounded very chill.

“I’m glad they have you.” I smiled. “Maybe I should start calling you Doc since you’re turning into my shrink too.”

He laughed and scratched Tundra behind the ear as he moseyed over. “Speaking of—I’d like to discuss something more important than what kind of relationship would make you happy.”

Oh, were we done? Because I hadn’t mentioned all the sex I wanted in a relationship too. “I wasn’t done listing the relationship stuff,” I said. “There needs to be a lot of sex and cuddles and body worship.”

He swallowed and was very focused on Tundra. I couldn’t blame him. Tundra was freaking adorable. He was scrappy like me.

“We can circle back to that another time, perhaps,” he replied.

“What I’m interested in learning is what would make you happy about yourself .

When you took your swim team to Nationals, you celebrated for a full hour.

Your high grade in social studies was dismissed entirely, and it’s evidently lame to be an amazing pianist.”

Shut your face!

I wasn’t an “amazing pianist.” For starters, I hadn’t played in over five years. Also, what did an A in social studies matter when I’d barely gotten C’s in the other subjects? And let’s not forget the D in English . The only language I spoke.

I curled up on the couch and wrapped a blanket around me, and I didn’t know what to say.

Wade waited patiently, and Tundra returned to his spot by the fire.

“I don’t have an answer,” I mumbled.

“We can break it down,” he offered. “If you could work with anything in the world, what would that be?”

“Logistics,” I answered immediately.

He tilted his head. “Logistics?”

I nodded. “You’ll be glad to hear me say this.

I’m really good at organizing stuff and mapping out projects.

For some reason, it’s always been easy for me to see the most logical way to execute something.

It used to drive me batcrap crazy when we had to do group projects in school and they wouldn’t listen to me. ”

Wade’s smile was all kinds of warm, joyful, and gorgeous.

“You’re right—this makes me incredibly happy to hear.

How come you haven’t pursued anything in that field?

I mean, a ton of industries require professionals in logistics, from the travel agent at the mall to the…

” He waved a hand, finding the words. “To the Army.”

He had to fucking go there, didn’t he? He had to bring up the Army.

My family was under the impression that I’d quit because it hadn’t been for me.

They didn’t know I’d failed.

They didn’t know my heart had shattered.

I looked away and clammed up. My heart started beating faster too, and that familiar instinct to flee kicked in. I wasn’t going to. I was so damn tired of running, but fuck me, it was all I knew how to do.

However, one thing was different this time around. Running wasn’t the easiest option anymore, because I knew how it was going to weigh me down. I’d be alone forever if I bailed now.

I had an honest chance to reconnect with my whole family.

Wade was the key. And realistically, I was fully aware that they wouldn’t look down on me for failing.

The question was if I could bear it. Could I look them in the eye and confess that I was incapable of anything?

How would they react? Outwardly, Dad would be supportive and offer his help.

Hell, they all would. But deep down, they’d be disappointed, right?

Fuck.

I swallowed hard.

“I’m not going anywhere, Kayden.”

Right.

That’d never been the problem, though. Even when he’d been in and out of deployments and studying to become the man he was today, he’d never made me feel abandoned.

I knew abandonment.

I also knew what it was like to have family telling you you’d never be anything.

The Winters family would never go that far, or even a tiny step in that direction, but I guessed I was still scared shitless about stray thoughts heading that way. It would crush me to know Dad, Wade…all of them, even for a moment, pitied me or agreed that I was useless.

Say it and get it over with. At least you’ll know.

Oh God, I almost threw up right then and there.

My mouth watered, and I wiped a hand over my clammy forehead.

In my accidental glance Wade’s way, the evident concern in his eyes put pressure on me, and I lost the fight. I wasn’t gonna be able to keep my mouth sh?—

“I tried the Army route,” I croaked. Yup, there we go, blurting shit out.

“I didn’t quit like I told everyone. I failed.

” My heart went from beating rapidly to pounding furiously, and my breathing picked up.

“I barely got through the obstacle course, and then the field training exercises fucked me completely.”

Now you know.

I gathered the courage to look Wade in the eye, and I wasn’t too surprised to see him deep in thought. Brow furrowed, gaze flicking a bit.

“For the record, that fucking obstacle course doesn’t build confidence at all,” I said.

Some called it the confidence course, and I called bullshit.

Eventually, Wade cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, resting an ankle across his knee, and he scrubbed a hand over his jaw.

“It never made sense to me that you didn’t care,” he said slowly, maybe still processing. “I suspect Quinlan let things go so quickly because he wanted you to have the space to find your passion, but…” He shook his head. “Chris once told me you thrived at the shooting range?—”

“Thrived is a strong word,” I interjected. “It was fun, but I’m decent at best.”

“You belong in the armed forces, is my point,” he urged. “You say you need structure, you love logistics, you’re organized, and you wanted to pass BCT.”

“But I didn’t,” I pointed out. “I failed big-time. Never mind the guys finishing last—I couldn’t complete the field training exercises at all .”

He seemed so dismissive of that. “The Army isn’t for everyone, Kayden. You have options. I just wish you would’ve told us. We could’ve helped you years ago.”

He didn’t fucking get it.

“When are people gonna understand that the only things that can make me feel good about myself are my own accomplishments?” I grated out.

“I don’t want you to fix shit for me, Wade.

I don’t want Dad to pull strings and hold my hand either.

I wanna land my own job and hold on to it.

It seems to work for everyone except me. ”

I clenched my jaw and took a calming breath.

Wade tilted his head. “You may as well add the whole damn family to that list. Who do you think hired Quin?”

That was different. I knew Hillcroft had been started by their uncle Arthur and a friend of his, but Dad had been a skilled soldier.

“Your uncle did,” I stated. “Based on Dad’s credentials .”

“And his name,” Wade shot back. “He wanted his son to take over the business, just like TJ did for Terrance. But we can move on. How do you think Chris got his job there? He wasn’t a trained soldier at the time.”

“He had a degree in forensic science,” I replied.

He shook his head. “That came later. Chris has essentially been running around at Hillcroft since he was seventeen. Only because of who he was related to. You need a badge to get access to the cafeteria, for chrissakes. Being a Winters helped him get more than a foot in the door, and the rest was on him. He became an incredible operator through years of studies and in-house training.”

Operator? Was that what they called their security guards?

“While we’re at it, there’s me,” he continued. “Do you think I applied for a position at Hillcroft?”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek.

When he put it that way…

He scrubbed his hands over his face, visibly frustrated. “I wish we’d known,” he repeated. “All these years, we could’ve…” He sighed and let his hands fall again. “Chris was right. We never should’ve kept you out of things.”

What? “Kept me out of what?” I asked, confused.

He rose from the couch and walked over to where his jacket hung.

“In our defense, we wanted to protect you. You don’t spend twenty years around private military without risking attracting an enemy or two.

We didn’t want you anywhere near it. But if we’d known you were interested in that lifestyle…

I don’t know. Chris would’ve convinced Quin, that’s for sure. ”

I was ready to yell at him. What the fuck was he talking about? But it looked like an answer was coming my way. Wade returned with his satellite phone, and he handed it to me.

“Do yourself a favor and look up Hillcroft properly.”