Page 13 of Christmas Spirits at Honeywell House (Ghosts of Rowan Vale #3)

I’d heard that people’s faces could go grey with shock, but I’d never really believed it. That was, until I saw Jack’s face when I told him our news and presented him with the scan photo.

We’d got the house to ourselves for the first time in forever. Callie and Brodie had taken the boys, along with Immi, to the cinema in Much Melton. It had been Callie’s idea.

‘You need time alone to break the news to Jack,’ she’d said kindly. ‘We’ll pick the kids up about five and take them for a burger as a treat before we see the film.’

‘Are you sure?’ I’d asked doubtfully. ‘They can be a heck of a handful, you know.’

‘Of course I’m sure,’ she said, waving away my concerns. ‘Brodie and I will manage them between us. It will be fun.’

‘And – and you won’t take them back to the Hall?’ I asked hesitantly. It seemed really ungrateful, but I had to be sure of that.

She’d looked a bit sad. ‘Not if you don’t want us to. We’ll be about three hours, all told. Will that be long enough for you and Jack?’

I wasn’t sure three months would be enough time for me and Jack to wrap our heads around all this, but I’d nodded. ‘That’s great, Callie. Thanks so much.’

Jack had been stunned to come home from work and find only Toby and me in the house, but he’d whooped with delight when he’d discovered that the kids were out.

‘And just what,’ he’d said, wrapping his arms around my non-existent waist and pulling me to him as I’d tried to serve him his dinner at the table, ‘do you have planned while they’re out? I hope it involves you having your wicked way with me.’

He’d given me a hopeful look, and I’d tried to smile but failed dismally.

Instead, I’d dropped into the chair next to him and stared at him in mute terror.

His smile had died immediately. ‘What’s up? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’

I was too distracted to dwell on that comment, let alone make any sarcastic retort. ‘Jack,’ I said weakly, ‘there’s something I have to tell you. Show you. Both.’

Five minutes later we were sitting there, staring at the scan photograph, which lay on the table between our forgotten plates of sausage casserole.

‘But – but how?’ Jack asked dazedly.

‘You want me to remind you?’ I asked. ‘Has it been so long you’ve forgotten how babies are made?’

‘Well, yes, it has really,’ he said bluntly. ‘But I mean, joking aside, we’re always so careful.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I can’t understand it either.’

‘The eleventh of January,’ he said faintly. ‘Though it could come earlier, couldn’t it? That doesn’t give us long to get everything sorted, does it? I mean – bloody hell, Clara! This is serious.’

‘I know.’ Didn’t I just! I hardly needed him to point out the obvious.

He shook his head and picked up the photo again, staring at it intently.

‘So, it would have been some time in April when you got pregnant? Early or mid-April? Around then?’

I shrugged. ‘Somewhere around then.’

He narrowed his eyes, thinking.

I picked up my fork and prodded a sausage, before pushing it away in disgust. Maybe I’d make a slice of toast later, instead.

‘Clara,’ Jack said slowly, ‘Mum and Dad visited in early April. Remember?’

I frowned. ‘I thought that was May?’

‘No, definitely April, because if you recall, they brought the boys’ Easter eggs early because they were going away in mid-April for two weeks and wouldn’t be able to visit over Easter.’

‘Oh yes,’ I said, nodding. ‘But so what?’

‘Mum and Dad took the boys out alone,’ Jack said heavily. ‘I’d taken the week off work to spend time with my parents, but they said we should have some time to ourselves, and they’d take the kids to the water park for the day.’

I stared at him. ‘Uh-oh.’

‘It was warm and sunny. We went for that picnic, remember? Just you and me.’

‘And got a bit carried away.’

‘A lot carried away. We hadn’t had a day like that since?—’

‘Yeah, all right,’ I said indignantly, trying not to feel annoyed as I realised how proud of himself he sounded. ‘But we were careful!’

‘The first time we were careful. But the second time…’

There was a gleam in his eyes as he remembered. I supposed it had been quite an event. Thinking about it, it had probably been the first time we’d managed sex more than once for years. It had taken us both by surprise.

Jack had only brought one condom, and he admitted later that he hadn’t even expected to use that, but maybe it had been the scenery, or the peace and quiet, or just the sheer exhilaration of having no kids around for once.

Whatever the reason, we’d thrown caution to the wind that second time, and thinking about it some more, I was convinced it had probably been the last time we’d had sex at all.

‘Wow,’ Jack breathed. ‘To think I thought that was such a great day. Well, we’re really paying for it now.’

‘Don’t say that,’ I said miserably. ‘What do we do?’

‘What can we do?’ Jack pushed his plate away, clearly as revolted by the sight as I was. ‘This baby’s going to be here in a few weeks, and there’s no stopping that. We’re just going to have to get on with it.’

‘But…’ I didn’t know where to start. There were so many reasons why this was all wrong, and I wasn’t sure how to put my fears into words.

Jack rubbed his forehead and stared at the photo again. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I should have been with you for the scan.’

‘I didn’t believe it could possibly be true,’ I told him, not wanting to admit I’d dreaded I was about to be told I was going to die. ‘I thought it was a waste of time.’

‘But how did you not know?’ He sounded thoroughly confused.

‘You’ve carried three kids. Surely you know the signs?

Didn’t you feel it moving around?’ He shook his head.

‘We used to watch the boys kicking, remember? You used to put my hand on your stomach so I could feel it. And you could see your bump moving around by the time you got to this stage. I don’t understand how you didn’t know. ’

I had felt some movement, but nothing like I’d had with the boys.

I’d honestly thought I had digestive problems. Maybe when you’ve totally ruled out pregnancy your mind invents other reasons for what’s happening to your body?

I really didn’t know, but I didn’t like being attacked as if I’d done this deliberately.

‘Did you know?’ I demanded. ‘You sleep next to me every night. Did you notice anything?’

‘Well, no,’ he admitted. ‘But you’ve been wearing baggy clothes for ages, and you’ve taken to covering up in bed. And it’s not like we get that close any more, so…’

‘So it’s my fault?’ Tears sprang into my eyes.

‘God, no! That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just confused,’ Jack said. He put his arm around me. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not having a go at you, love. I just don’t understand.’

‘Well, join the club. The sonographer told me it’s called a cryptic pregnancy. I’ve been reading about it online. Apparently, some women don’t realise they’re pregnant until they go into labour. At least I won’t have that shock to deal with. Can you imagine?’

The tears began to roll down my cheeks. ‘Oh, Jack! I don’t want to go through all that again. I thought I was done with it.’

Jack seemed to have no words of reassurance. He looked almost as horrified as I felt.

‘Sleepless nights,’ I continued. ‘All that crying, and having to get up to feed the baby, and feeling like a zombie, and nappy changes, and teething, and the terrible twos and?—’

‘You’re really not selling this to me,’ he said, clearly attempting to joke about it.

‘How do you think the boys are going to take it?’ I said, as the thought struck me.

‘All three of the boys are at school,’ he said glumly. ‘We were going to set up the model village. I guess that’s off now anyway.’

‘What? Why?’

‘Oh, come on! You can’t possibly take on such a huge project when you’re only weeks from giving birth! And let’s face it, you’re going to be at home for ages, taking care of a newborn. It has to be a no-go.’

I could feel all my plans and dreams for the future slipping away from me. I’d been so close to finding the old me again; to having some sort of life outside this family. Now it was moving away, out of reach.

‘I don’t want this, Jack,’ I murmured. Even as I said the words, guilt and shame seared through me. What kind of mother would say such things? But I didn’t feel like a mother at that moment. This baby didn’t feel real. And all I felt was trapped and hopeless.

Jack squeezed my hand. ‘It’s just the shock, love. Once we get our heads around it, we’ll be fine.’

He pushed the scan photo towards me. ‘I wish you’d let me go with you. And they definitely said everything seemed okay?’

I nodded. ‘Baby seems fine,’ I said sarkily. ‘Mother in terminal shock, but never mind, eh?’

Jack’s expression softened. ‘But look, it’s a baby. A healthy little baby with a beating heart. And it’s going to be with us very soon. It’s not all bad, is it? In fact,’ he said with a smile, ‘maybe it’s a good thing.’

‘In what version of reality can this possibly be a good thing?’ I demanded tearfully. ‘Do you remember what I went through having Freddie? I said then, never again!’

‘I know it wasn’t an easy birth,’ Jack said, in what he no doubt imagined was a soothing voice.

‘But that doesn’t mean it will be as bad this time around.

And look at the positives! You’ve been moaning about the weight you’ve put on.

Well, once you’ve had the baby, you’ll probably be a stone lighter at least!

And maybe it was pregnancy that made you so weepy and moody, not the periwhatsit.

Your hormones might settle down after it’s over. ’

‘Or I might get post-natal depression and feel even worse,’ I snapped. ‘Or have you forgotten how bad I felt after Freddie?’

Hell, I’d ended up on antidepressants. I didn’t want to go through that again. I just couldn’t.

‘It was different then,’ Jack said. ‘You still had Declan at home, and Ashton was very young, and I was doing a lot of overtime for extra money.’

‘Because we had another mouth to feed,’ I reminded him. ‘So tell me how it’s going to be different this time?’

‘I’ll take time off,’ he promised. ‘I swear it. I’ll stay home and help you. The kids are my responsibility, too. I’m sorry I let you down before?—’

‘We needed the money,’ I said dully. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’

But I couldn’t see how he could possibly take time off work this time around either.

If anything, we’d need the money more. Unlike with Freddie, I had nothing for this baby.

I’d given everything away. We’d need to start from scratch with a pram, a cot, baby clothes and everything else. It was going to cost a fortune.

And we were already struggling. Everything had gone up in price. The water rates, the gas and electricity, the council tax, the broadband, the weekly shop… The Harling Estate had kept our rents low but even so, now was definitely not a good time to add in another mouth to feed.

I rubbed the tears from my eyes, feeling completely overwhelmed.

Jack put his arm around my shoulders. ‘It’ll all be fine, love.

You’ll see. We’ll manage somehow. We always do.

And at the end of the day, this is our child.

Who knows? This time we might even get a little girl.

’ He smiled down at the photo. ‘Whatever it is, we’ll love it just as much as we love our boys. ’

He sounded so sure of that. I could see the affection in his gaze as he studied the photo, and suddenly I felt even more panicked.

Jack was warming to the idea of a new baby already, but I felt only dread and fear and – yes – resentment.

What if I never loved this baby? What kind of life would either of us have then?