Page 28 of Cause When You Love Someone

Clarke

FORWARD

L ost in the music playing from my Bluetooth speaker, I watched my body in the mirrors. My studio was far from ready, but there were a few rooms in the spot I could occupy comfortably. Dance had always been my superpower, and I needed to feel invincible.

My heavy-lidded gaze sprang open when my music was interrupted by a call. I didn’t want to be bothered, but I figured whoever was calling wasn’t going to stop.

“Yes, Sage.” I tried to mask the shakiness in my voice when I picked up.

“I wasn’t calling to bother you. I just wanted to check on you. Are you still at the studio?”

“Of course. Lately, it feels like a safe haven.”

“Clarke, you know you’re welcome to spend a few nights with me.”

“I know, and I love you for saying it. I’ll hit you back. I was recording before you called.”

He said a few departing words, then promised to check on me later in the day.

Once I turned the music back on, I played something with an upbeat tempo. Since I was familiar with the choreography for “Bongos” by Cardi B, I filmed myself doing the Sean Bankhead masterpiece with no intention of posting it.

I couldn’t remember the last time I took a social media break, but the distance helped me think.

Anytime I made the mistake of scrolling, I got my feelings hurt.

There was either a post praising Chaz or a status demonizing me.

It was like, as soon as he died, he stopped being known as an abusive cheater and became a saint.

Winded and parched, I went to grab my water bottle when the song ended, but I choked on my spit when my ears caught the beat of the next song.

As soon as the bass dropped, so did my mood.

I lay on my back with my vision launched on the ceiling of the studio.

My overflow of emotions was what guided me to my spot.

Nowadays, the studio was the only place I could purge.

I didn’t want to scare Izzy, and I didn’t want to offend Ishmael.

Though he never let it show on his face, I wondered if it bothered him to hear me grieve over someone else.

“I knew I would find you in here.”

I looked over my head and saw my mom entering the room. As if she was a stranger, I quickly sat up and pulled my knees up to my chest.

“Clarke, you’ve only been working on this place a short time, and I see things are already coming together.”

I gulped through a dry patch in my throat. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see you. I wanted to check on you.”

I pushed my messy hair back. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” She inched closer until she was sitting Indian style. “I know things between us have been tense, but you’re still my child. Tell me how you’re really doing.”

The second time she inquired about my mood, the levee that kept my tears at bay cracked at the seams.

“I don’t know. I always knew I had to watch my words, but I never believed my thoughts had so much power.

No one could tell me that my silent wishes for Chaz to disappear didn’t somehow manifest into his demise.

” I filled my lungs with air. “I’m confused on how I should feel.

I want to find peace in knowing he won’t bother me again, but I’m not heartless like you—” I cuffed my lips. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You don’t have to spare my feelings, Clarke.

I get it.” She shrugged. “I get upset with myself when I think about how much I act like my mother. She was a sharp-tongued lady who thought she could say what she wanted because she was honest. She raised me to be hard—even with those I love. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth.

She taught me that love was honest, but we didn’t get into the kind part. ”

“Wow. You’ve never told me that. Granny never showed me that side of her.” I scoffed. “That may make it worse. She was able to turn her toxic tendencies off and on. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Back then, I didn’t, but now, I’m everything she said I would be. Anyway, I thought your bodyguard would be close.”

I hesitated, unsure of how much I should share.

Ishmael went to Vegas at four in the morning after I promised to FaceTime call every few hours.

We hadn’t had time to enjoy the news of my pregnancy since the news about Chaz broke.

Still, in between minutes of silence, he stole seconds to caress my belly and whisper sweet nothings to his little one.

“Ishmael’s handling the assault case. On another note, thanks for coming by. It means a lot to me.”

“You don’t have to thank me for doing what a mother is supposed to do.

I hate how death brings people together, but I had to take a chance.

” The line of her sight fell to the floor.

“I understand why you cut me off, but I hope I can fix things between us. You are my only child, and you’re having your first baby. I don’t want to miss that experience.”

“Then you have to prove it. If Chaz’s death has taught me anything, I’ve realized we all leave a mark on the people we connect with. My baby isn’t a prop or an experiment.”

“I understand.”

We sat in mute for minutes before she started smiling. “I can already tell you’re going to be a better mom than me. I also know Ishmael has your back. For what it’s worth, I’ve always been fond of him.”

“It’s not worth much, because your opinion doesn’t matter,” I answered confidently. “At one point, you liked him a little too much.”

She dumped a girlish giggle into her palm. “Don’t do that. That man was never worried about me. When he started working off the clock, I knew he didn’t have eyes for anyone but you.”

“What’s good, baby mama!”

My eyes sprinted to the other side of the room, where Ishmael’s sisters crammed the doorway.

The ladies were dressed like they were coming from four different events, but they looked good.

Three of them strutted into the room with animated expressions, and Blaze displayed a grimace.

I followed the path of her squint and recognized that her hazel eyes were drilled into my mom.

“Clarke,” my mom muttered as she stood. “I’m going to give you some time with your friends. I don’t have your new number, but you have mine. When you’re free, give me a call. Please.”

“I’ll call you, Mom.”

I waited until Mrs. Rose was out of the building, then I stepped to the ladies Ishmael treated like sisters.

“How did you lovely ladies know I was here?”

Clover, Durk’s lady, batted her curly lashes. “Superman told us.”

I let loose a short chuckle. “What do you mean?”

“When Durk called to check in, I asked about you. Ishmael said we could probably find you here. We came to take you out.”

My eyes raced to the two-piece Alo set I wore. “I don’t have any clothes.”

Stony lifted a garment bag. “That excuse won’t work. Everything in this bag has tags on it. I even included toiletries so you can freshen up. Now, go get extra pretty. We have a reservation.”

The garment bag held two big label fits, and as much as I wanted to choose the pink dress, my hands grasped the black Lacoste polo dress. All the crying I did over the last couple of weeks had my eyes puffy, so I put on the Dolce frames I wore to the studio and prepared to get into the sun.

“Where are y’all taking me?”

“Somewhere cute,” Essen replied. “I know you’ve been going through a lot, and Ishmael has been attached to your hip. We didn’t want you to forget you have a village even when the chief isn’t around.”

When we pulled into a parking lot, I tried to recall if I had ever been there before.

The spot was on the north side of Silk Hills, located in a small shopping center with only three suites.

I wanted to question the location for a second time, but instead, I took a few deep breaths and exited the car.

Inside the suite, vibrant colors tinted the walls and floors, and the table and chair setup reminded me of a paint and sip event. A tall, ebony beauty I assumed was the owner journeyed from behind a small table as we stepped through the room.

“Ladies! Welcome to Four Page Letter. How can I help you today?”

Essen took a few faltering steps. “We have a reservation booked for three o’clock.”

“Oh. You must be Essen.”

“I am. Nice to meet you, Jhene.”

Essen took the liberty of introducing everyone by name before Jhene asked us to get comfortable and find a seat.

“Since this is your first time here, I want to tell you a little about what we do.” She winked.

“Four Page Letter is a haven for healing. We encourage our guests to use the board on your easel to brainstorm and purge before writing a necessary letter to someone in your life. A lot of times, we have things we want to say to our younger or older selves. Our daughters and sons. Whoever it may be, we urge you to put it on paper.”

“Damn. Where are the Kleenex?” Clover muttered what I was thinking.

Jhene grabbed a caddy of markers from underneath the table and then passed it to Essen. “I want you ladies to grab a few writing utensils while I find a good playlist and a bottle of wine.”

The essence of the place sparked my desire for transparency. I waited for Jhene to disappear down a hallway before I decided to pick the girls’ brains about something that kept me up at night.

“Let me ask you guys something.” I turned to the group. “Would I be crazy if I go to Chaz’s funeral?”

Blaze sucked her teeth. “Hell yeah. Fuck him.”

Stevie slapped the top of her hand. “Don’t do that, Blaze. Clarke, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You and Chaz were together for years. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about mourning the good parts of him.”

Stony nodded. “True, but that doesn’t mean she owes him a damn thing.”

“It’s not about him. It’s about her,” Stevie professed. “Have you talked to Ishmael about it?”

“That’s the last thing I want to do. For the last week, he’s held me, cooked for me, and let me cry freely without making me feel guilty about it.

Ishmael will give me anything I want, including a ride to the cemetery, if I ask.

I don’t want to talk to him about the funeral.

I haven’t even told him about the letter. ”

“Letter?” Essen repeated with raised brows.

“Yeah. Chaz’s mom texted me a few days ago. Apparently, he wrote more letters than we thought. After the way he named me throughout his suicide note, I’m scared to see what he wrote only for my eyes.”

Stevie caressed my hand like a nurturing big sister. “I’ve been through something like this, and I learned, sometimes, ignorance is bliss. There’s nothing wrong with you reading the letter, but I say save it until you’re ready to accept whatever it may say.”

About ten minutes into our session of purging, I looked around the room and saw all the ladies had added words or phrases to their boards, while I sat in place, gnawing on my bottom lip. With so many emotions running through my body, I didn’t know where to start.

“Are you good, Clarke?” Jhene walked over with a grin and kneeled next to me. I smirked and bobbed my head up and down. “Have you decided who you want to write your letter to?”

“I’m stuck,” I admitted. “The only person I want to talk to is my unborn.”

The ladies oohed and aahed at the comment, melting away the worrisome energy that plagued my mind.

“Every lesson, every accomplishment, every star you’ve planted, share that with your baby.

Explain how their birth delivered a different part of you.

Thanks to the internet, I know a little about the loss you’ve experienced, but you’re here.

I have a feeling your nugget is part of the reason. Write about it.”

After my elder laced my boots, I got started on my masterpiece. The knot in my gut didn’t disappear, but every stroke of my pen chipped away at the boulder.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my phone illuminate. I started not to answer, but I didn’t want my silence to worry Ishmael.

“Hey, handsome.”

“Mama, I miss you,” he answered. “I just landed. Where are you?”

“In the streets with your sisters. They got me out of the studio.” His muted response made me check my phone to ensure he hadn’t hung up. “Are you still there?”

“I want to see you, Clarke. Drop your location. I’ll wait outside until you’re done.”

“Ishmael, I need this moment alone. I’ll call you once we’re done. Okay?”

His breath blew thinly through the line. “All right, Clarke. Take whatever time you need.”