Page 30 of Carnival

Rose

T he door slams behind me, and I march further into the house, eyes narrowed as I look for Hudson. I ignore Arlo’s look of pure confusion, and I think that after a moment, it clicks for him. He steps aside, without a word, letting me pass through.

Noelle gives me an odd, almost confused look, a glass of wine in her hands while she has her laptop on her lap, feet lifted on the small coffee table in the living room. Her fingers hover over the keyboard, and she doesn’t waste a second.

“Sweetheart, are you alright?”

“No,’’ I hiss. “Where’s your husband?”

“His study,’’ she shrugs. “But you will take your shoes off before you take another step inside.’’

A mix of a snort and a huff slips out of me, and I obey without a word, slipping my sneakers off, tossing them in a far corner of the hallway, and then sliding on a pair of home slippers before stalking up the stairs.

The anger hasn’t subsided. If anything, it’s grown between Aria’s apartment and the De Santis residency. I didn’t think about what I’d tell Hudson once I got here, and I don’t need to.

My feet carry me toward his study, and I don’t bother knocking. I push the door open, stepping inside and taking in the sight in front of me. Hudson looks up from his papers, putting the pen aside. He tilts his head, ever so slightly, silently asking me what I needed.

“You,’’ I breathe out, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Why?”

He blinks. “Why, what?”

“Why did you send James to prison?’’ I ask through gritted teeth. “More importantly, why did you keep it a secret from me?”

Hudson immediately understands the anger, and he sighs, motioning for me to sit on one of the leather chairs. He doesn’t speak for a while, waiting for me to sit. Reluctantly, I take a seat, glaring at him, but it’s not all irrational anger.

It hurts.

I’m hurt that no one bothered to tell me. I hate how they preach family and honesty, yet no one gave me the grace of telling me the truth. If they’ve been keeping this a secret from me, I don’t even want to begin to imagine what else they must be hiding.

Hudson pulls out a flask, then takes a sip, leaning back in his chair. His eyes don’t leave my face, and he’s studying me. It’s a look in his eyes I’ve learned to recognize over the years. He’s trying to figure out how much I know, or rather, how much he should reveal.

I’m done being kept in the dark about my own life, and I’m not leaving until he tells me everything.

“Before you… lose your shit, I need you to understand that everything I did was with your best interest in heart.’’

“Did you now?” I ask, sarcasm lacing my words. “Because from where I’m standing, you keeping me in the dark did more bad than good, Hudson.’’

“I know,’’ he starts, not once moving his eyes off me. “Look, Rose… I was the one to send James to prison. I’m assuming Aria opened her big mouth and let it slip out, and I won’t lie to you. I did it for two reasons.’’

“Which are?”

“With James locked up, Vivian was less likely to rush into things. From what I’ve gathered over the past two years, although James and Vivian never met, the word is that she is actually scared of how far he would go to protect you.

Given that she didn’t dare do anything to him in prison, she just wanted him out of the way without killing him.

Sending him to prison was the safest thing for you. ’’

“And the second reason?”

“I don’t like him,’’ he admits, shamelessly.

“He’s a fucking bastard. And he is reckless.

He would do anything to keep you safe, yes, and while I find that admirable, it’s not sustainable in the long run.

He doesn’t feel anything, except for anger.

He gets blinded by it quite easily, too, and he’d accidentally get you hurt. ’’

“You think that he’d pose danger.’’

Hudson nods. “Yes. Him being in prison kills two birds with one stone. Vivian thinks he’s out the way, and you’re safe and protected.’’

“And what? James just agreed to this?”

Hudson snorts. “God, no. He threw a hissy fit. But eventually, he caved, and well, you know the rest.’’

A small frown tugs on my lips. “The day when he got arrested… was it you who sent me those videos?”

“No,’’ he says without missing a beat, and I believe him. “I wouldn’t do that to you.’’

“Right,’’ I scoff. “So who was it, then?”

“Likely Vivian.’’

“It’s been quiet since James got arrested. Aside from being followed a few times and my apartment being broken into, they haven’t tried anything yet. Why?”

“Because you’re under my protection,’’ Hudson says, sipping on the alcohol from his flask, looking straight into my eyes. “And no one dares to touch what Hudson De Santis is protecting. You’re like one of my own, Rosalie.’’

The anger slowly starts fading away, but the hurt from it all remains.

I can’t shake off the feeling of uselessness that’s deeply rooted inside me.

I’m not of any use in their business, except for helping out here and there.

I don’t have any skills they’d be able to use, and one time that something is about me that directly affects me, they keep me in the dark for two whole fucking years.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Rose,’’ Hudson says, voice filled with sincerity. “I truly did what I thought was best for you.’’

“Why?” I take a deep breath. “Why did you think keeping me in the dark was the better option? Why did you think that allowing me to feel guilt for something I wasn’t to blame for was the solution?”

“The night you snuck out with that cop to see James,’’ he gives me a pointed look, and I smile sheepishly in return.

I truly thought no one noticed me leave and return, because I did my best to be as silent and as invisible as possible.

“I knew you’d find a way to see him, so I instructed him to do anything to push you away.

I wanted you to enjoy your youth, Rosalie.

I wanted you to focus on your studies, on your social life, and not to worry about a thing. ’’

“And you hurt me in the process.’’

“I know. I’m sorry,’’ he leans forward, hands resting on the dark, oak wood table in front of him.

“Noelle and I are far from saints. Arlo and Blair have gone through a lifetime of shit, something no one should ever go through. And Aria…’’ he pauses, jaw clenching, “she went through a horrible cycle of abuse that I didn’t see in time.

She’s killed people; all of us have. But you?

You’re the only pure one. You’re the only one whose soul hasn’t been tainted, and I tried to keep you like that.

To keep your heart bright and soul undamaged. ’’

That’s precisely the point.

I may not have gone through trauma similar to theirs, but I had my fair share of shitty situations.

The moment I met James, my heart turned pitch black.

There was never a way out for me. The man claimed me in all the ways possible and ensured that I’d forever seek the comfort of the dark abyss he provides.

“Actually,’’ I croak out. “There’s something you need to know.’’

He lifts a brow. “Go on.’’

“The foster family James and I shared…’’ I pause, steeling myself and bracing for the inevitable. “They had a daughter. She passed away.’’

Hudson nods. “Yes, an accident, if I remember correctly. She drowned, didn’t she?”

“It wasn’t an accident,’’ I whisper. “I killed her.’’

Hudson freezes. His mouth parts, ever so slightly, look of pure shock coursing through him. He doesn’t blink, merely stares at me, trying to figure out if I’m lying. When all he sees is honesty, he curses under his breath.

“Fucking hell, Rose,’’ he softens his voice. “What happened?”

This wasn’t why I came here. My goal was to yell, to scream, to demand an apology from him, and to try and understand why the man who swore he saw me as his daughter would do anything to hurt me.

Yet, here I am, swallowing down words, knowing that the moment I start talking, the entire trajectory of our relationship will change. However, I can’t keep it in me any longer. I haven’t told anyone about this, not even Aria.

How could I tell her that I’m nothing but a monster?

How could I tell her that the moment James told me what I’d done, all of the memories came back in a flash, and my mental health has never been the same since? How am I supposed to tell them that I killed a teenager?

But I need to tell someone, anyone.

So, I start talking, eyes glued to the floor, tears falling onto my lap.

◆◆◆

A yawn slips from me, my eyes feeling droopy. Between taking all of my exams, because I do want to graduate this spring and not take another year, and trying, without success, to see James, I’m exhausted.

The campus’ library is huge, and it’s been crowded with students trying to meet their deadlines for the past few weeks. Chase, Danica, and I are in a far corner, with sheets of work spread on the desk.

Danica’s the most diligent one out of us three.

Her hair falls in soft waves just above her shoulders, the deep chestnut shade glistening under the dimmed lighting of the library.

Freckles are speckled all over her cheeks, and the longer I look at her, the less I understand how a girl like her is single.

One of the most intelligent girls in our class, with a heart of gold. Not to mention she’s drop-dead gorgeous and tall, with a curvy figure that I can’t help but feel jealous of from time to time.

Danica takes off her glasses, pinching the bridge of her nose with her index finger and thumb, then takes a deep breath before looking at Chase and me. I’m not too behind on my studies, but my mind’s been fried.

The stress is slowly getting to me, and mixed with the nightmares that haunt me nightly, I can’t force myself to fall asleep.

Chase, on the other hand, is procrastinating, which isn’t anything new. It’s been four hours since we got here, and it’s nearly midnight. Ever since the weird encounter in my kitchen, Chase has been an angel and acting as if nothing had happened, which I do appreciate.

I don’t have many friends, and I didn’t want to lose him over that. Luckily, it seems I won’t have to worry about it at all.

“Are you two done?” Danica asks, pushing her papers forward.

I peek down at mine, and although it’s not entirely finished, I’m getting there.

She’s been tutoring us a little, giving us tips and tricks on how to memorize everything easier and with more logic.

At times like these, I understand completely why Aria chose to drop out, more than once.

Danica’s impatience hits the roof, and she rolls her eyes before pushing herself up from the chair, making as little noise as possible, not wanting to disturb the other students near us.

“I’m off to smoke a cigarette outside,’’ she announces, pulling out a pack and a lighter. “You two better be finished with those when I return.’’

She doesn’t wait for a response, turns on her heel, and walks out, leaving me alone with Chase. He chuckles, shakes his head, then puts his pen down and leans in the chair. He lifts his arms up, stretching a little, and I steal a few glances from my peripheral vision.

His shirt rises up a little, and his toned abs peek through.

I’d be a liar to say he isn’t attractive.

In fact, he’s very handsome, very much the beauty standard for men.

However, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I’d ever be good paired with someone like him, I realize how delusional that is.

The demons I’m hiding within aren’t for everyone. And I know for a fact that Chase would run the other way the moment he found out about my past. Chase glances at me, then raises an amused brow.

“What?” He smirks. “See something you like?”

A snort escapes me, and an eye roll follows. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m merely looking at you.’’

He leans in, thoroughly amused. “Yeah? Why?”

I laugh, then give him a pointed look, trying to look stern. “No reason.’’

“Liar,’’ he mumbles, then glances down at the sheets of my work, skimming through them briefly. “You’re actually pretty good at math. Didn’t peg you for a math whiz.’’

“Is it my favorite? No,’’ I scoff. “But it’s kind of fun.’’

“Last time I heard someone say that math is fun was in fourth grade, when my teacher, Mrs. Stella, tried to convince us that algebra was just like playing.’’

“Wise woman,’’ I smirk. “Though algebra wasn’t my favorite math branch.’’

“Oh?” He leans in, curious. “Which one is it, then?”

“Trigonometry.’’

“Yuck,’’ he responds immediately. “But hey, to each their own.’’

Another silent laugh comes from me, and I freeze in my spot when Chase suddenly, gently, pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering on my cheek for a brief moment. I don’t say anything, and neither does he. Instead, he stares at me, deeply into my eyes, searching for something.

“You’re very beautiful, Rose,’’ he murmurs, inching closer.

Words get stuck in my throat, and before I can process what’s happening, Chase closes the distance between us, his lips falling on mine. They’re soft, tasting like candy. Yet, the moment he tries to deepen the kiss, James’ face flashes behind my eyes.

My mind conjures the image of what he’d look like if he found out about this; the pure fury, insanity, and danger on his face send a wave of chills down my spine. A small gasp slips from me, and I pull back, and Chase seems to get the hint.

He makes distance between us, something akin to annoyance flicking in his eyes before he masks it.

“I’m sorry,’’ he sighs. “I shouldn’t have—’’

“No, you shouldn’t have,’’ I interrupt, but I don’t get the chance to say more as Danica returns, flopping into the seat she’s been in previously. Her eyes flick between us, brows narrowed.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“Nothing,’’ I break eye contact with Chase and turn to Danica with a smile. “Enjoy your break?”

She isn’t convinced but doesn’t press for more information and simply nods.

She starts talking, getting right back into the work, while I try to avoid Chase’s gaze as much as possible. My phone buzzes in my bag, and I take it out, opening the message from an unknown number, something twitching in the pit of my stomach.

‘‘The moment I’m out, that motherfucker is dead, hellion.’’