Page 190 of Burning Ember

The first month that we all lived together was a true test of whether Ember, Will, and I could survive in one house long term.

Going into it, I definitely didn’t realize all that I signed up for, and I don’t think Ember realized how much she would have to depend on me. Will simply clung to the person she trusted the most and followed Ember’s lead.

It was an eye opening experience for us all; although, it also felt like some kind of science experiment.

We had a few fires and visits from the fire department, my fault—two floods and a broken Blu-ray player, Will’s—and Ember had a couple of meltdowns from being confined to a bed. She reinjured herself twice thinking she could move around and shower without needing help.

As far as education went, I learned lots over those first four weeks. I learned about SpongeBob and the Backyardigans. I learned about bath time and that on the second read through of a book, Will usually fell asleep. I also learned five-year-olds need to be entertained every hour they’re awake, and when you promise you’ll do something, they will hold you to it. I learned that both of them loved music; music that sometimes hurt my ears to listen to. I learned that half of my vocabulary earned me a glare from Ember, which always made me hard so I slipped up on purpose here and there. I learned clutter and living in a mess drove Ember a little crazy, and she hated being helpless. I learned that the only cure for nightmares was to be held by someone you felt safe with, Ember for Will, and me for Ember. I learned they both had certain moods, that once identified, I needed to stay clear. I learned Ember hates tuna fish and pickles, and Will hates about eighty percent of all vegetables, which I guess is common for kids her age, and she despises spaghetti. She even has a song she sings about how she hates “pahsgetti” and she’s not going to eat it.

The first time she sang it and pushed her plate away, Ember laughed like I’d never heard her laugh before, full out and with a blindingly beautiful smile. I realized pretty quick that she wasn’t laughing because of the song; after all, she’d heard it before. She was laughing at my frozen what-in-the-ever-lovin’-fuck expression.

In month two of living together, I saw more of her smiles, Will’s too, and heard more of their laughs. We fell into a routine. I woke early and worked, and when Will woke, she snuck into my office and stole some papers and supplies. We took a break a little later and ate cereal, because Ember no longer trusted me to cook while she slept. Then we got back to work. When Will was in a listening mood, I taught her about art. When she wasn’t, we worked together in silence. After she finished a drawing, she would show it to me, get her due praise, and then put her hand over her lips, letting me know that I was again sworn to secrecy. Then she’d slide it into the cardboard tube I’d given her to keep them all safe.

At ten, we woke Ember and she got them both ready for the day. Then Will watched cartoons and Ember studied for her GED. She was almost back to her old self except that she moved cautiously, and couldn’t lift anything heavy.

I either went back to work, took care of things I needed to around the house, cleaning, laundry, the yard, or I headed to the clubhouse. I visited the club often because it was getting harder and harder to be around Ember without wanting more. And she wasn’t ready for more, so I gave her the time she needed and distracted myself.

There were times I’d catch her looking at me with heat in her eyes, but fear was still there too. So I stole a peck when I could, and I touched her some when Will wasn’t looking, but it was nothing close to what I hungered for.

At night, Em would cook dinner, and we’d watch either TV or a movie. Then it would be bath time and bedtime for Will. Since I didn’t feel comfortable helping with bath time, I offered every now and again to read until Will fell asleep. Most nights she wanted only Ember, but every so often, she’d grab my hand and a book and demand that I get to it.

Sunny came and went. She had moved in with Smoke after she was discharged from the hospital. They lived in Los Lunas, which was only ten or so minutes away. However, there were nights and days where she showed up out of the blue and spend a few days with us. No notice. No explanation. Every time she left without asking to take Will with her, I found myself saying a silent prayer.

I did that for two reasons. I didn’t know how I was going to mend Ember if Will was taken from her again, and honestly I didn’t want to see her go.

Will made life more interesting. Her laugh wasn’t something you could listen to without it bringing a smile to your face. She made art new and fun again. She had an obsession with bubble baths, and I could never contain my laugh when she’d spit water at Ember like she was a dolphin. Or when she hung a bubble beard from her chin and talked like good ol’ Uncle Griz. It was fuckin’ hilarious.

One time I even caught her playing dress up with not only my cut, but also my boots on her feet, my helmet on her head, and she was sitting on the laundry basket sliding across the kitchen floor and making a funny noise with her lips.

To say it was the cutest fuckin’ thing I’d ever see would be an understatement.

Honestly, I’d gotten used to having them both in my life. Every morning, I couldn’t wait to see what new thing I’d learn about them that day, and watching them dance together was becoming my new favorite pass time. Even if it was to No Doubt’s “Spiderwebs.”

It wasn’t until right around Thanksgiving our little routine was shaken up. And not only because I brought home one of the pups Donut had sired, but also because Sunny delivered some news that changed everything.

This particular time she handed Ember an envelope on her way out the door.

At first, I didn’t know what it contained, only that whatever it said caused Ember to clutch her chest, and erupt in tears. Then she lay her palm over her mouth and smiled through her sadness.

I didn’t press Ember for details. I knew she’d tell me when she was ready. So for the rest of the day, I hoped for the best, and dreaded the worst.

That night after I finished reading her passages from Jeremiah, and laid my Bible on the nightstand, she pulled those same papers from under her pillow and handed them to me.

I read the entire thing. They were legal documents signed by a judge granting Ember guardianship and custody of Will.

When I looked up after being lost in my thoughts for a moment, Ember was crying, but also fighting a smile. I pulled her against my chest and ran my hand up and down her back.

Kissing her forehead, I ask, “Does it feel like the right thing?”

“Yes. But I don’t understand how she can do it. If she was mine, I’d never give her up.”

“And that’s why she’s yours.”

“But what do I say to Will?”

“Tell her Sunny loved her enough to make sure she was safe and with someone who would always love and take care of her. That she’s right where she’s supposed to be.”

That you both are . . .