Page 101 of Burning Ember

“I know I’ve pushed you away to the point you want to go, and I know I don’t deserve one, but I can fix this. I want a chance to fix this.”

With every bone in my body, I ache to give in to him. But I’m so angry and so wary of his moods. How can I believe him when he’s turned on me at every opportunity?

I can’t.

The silence stretches between us until I ask, “Are you going to stop me if I want to leave?”

He sighs and drops his head into the curve of my neck. His arms tighten around me. “It’s your life. You’re free to do whatever you want. I won’t stop you if that’s what you feel you need to do. But I really fuckin’ hope you stay. I’m better than this. I swear to fuckin’ Christ I am. Let me prove it.”

A snake coils around my heart. The same snake that’s been there since the moment I met Mav. I raise my hand and cover his arm around my stomach for a few seconds. I soak up the feel of him. There is something here. Being in his arms feels like it’s where I’m supposed to be. I can’t explain why. Without permission, he’s seared himself onto my heart. Lit a fire so deep inside me, I don’t know if it’ll ever burn out. And I know no matter where I go from here, every moment we have shared will stay with me.

The good and the bad.

I step out of his arms, and he reluctantly lets me go. I don’t give him an answer and he doesn’t demand one. Maybe because he knows what the answer will be if I have to make it right now.

The cost of freedom comes in many different forms.

EMBER

I was fighting more than Luce in that ring. My frustrations with life have been mounting for a while with all of the people and decisions that have brought me to this point. It was only a matter of time before they came rushing out.

I’m twenty-two years old and I have never once lived a day the way I want to live it. At least, not that I can remember. My life has been a series of obstacles. People and things that needed my attention. For more years than I care to count, I’ve put other people’s needs before my own.

First, it was working to help my mom pay the bills. When she disappeared on us, I had to work day and night to keep a roof over our heads, not to mention food in the cupboards.

Sundown, left to her own devices, got pregnant at fifteen. She couldn’t hold down a job, and she didn’t know how to care for a baby—nor did she want to—so for nearly four years, I provided and cared for Will.

I became her mother.

My sister popped in and out of our lives. Partly my fault, I should have put my foot down with her early on. But how could I? Our mother sold her prettiest daughter for money. My sister had a justifiable reason for being fearful and restless. She hated staying in the home she was victimized in, but moving wasn’t a luxury we could afford.

I sympathized with her. I didn’t blame her for needing to nullify the pain and dull the memories with men and alcohol. I just hated that it came as a detriment to Will and me.

When she finally hit rock bottom, she showed up at the door half-dead, beaten black and blue, and twenty pounds under weight. She never told me what happened, but afterward she decided to get clean and stay that way. At first, she’d been just another mouth to feed, but to my surprise, she started waitressing part time and let me help her apply for state assistance.

That’s when I met Warner. He was attending a conference in the hotel where I worked. He went out of his way to run into me and strike up a conversation.

I fell . . . hook . . . line . . . and sinker for his heavenly blue eyes and sweet all-American boy charm. How could I not? He doted on me, brought me flowers, and took me to the nicest restaurants. He paid my bills, gave me extra money to spend not only on myself, but also on Will and Sunny. I did things with Warner that I’d only dreamed of. For the first time in my life, I had pretty dresses and nice shoes. Sunglasses. I had never owned a pair of sunglasses before. They were a want, not a need, and I’d only had money for needs.

After four months of dating, Warner asked me to move in with him. He slowly but surely convinced me that Sunny would never fulfill her rightful role as Will’s mom until I stepped out of her way. He said I was keeping them from having a real mother and daughter relationship, and Will needed her mother. A small part of me had been thinking the same thing for a long time, and his comments made me feel guilty and selfish until I finally conceded.

What I didn’t realize at the time, was that by persuading me to move away from them, he was starting to distance me from everyone in my life.

And moving away from Will was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The only exception is living every day like I do now, without seeing her face or hearing her voice. Not only because it felt as if I had ripped out my heart and handed it over to my unreliable sister to care for, but because the anxiety I experienced was insurmountable. What if Sunny decided she wasn’t ready to be a mom again? What if she started drinking again? What if she brought men over?

I worried constantly.

To the point that it affected my relationship with Warner and my job performance. Warner said I should just quit working.If you’re going to cook and clean for anyone, it might as well be me.I had no problem with that. Then he told me to stop calling Sundown so much to check in, she was fine. I needed to give her and Will some space to bond, give Sunny some room to make mistakes and learn from them.

Then more little nudges came. He didn’t want me driving at night. He was worried when I drove at all. The new maid could pick up anything I needed.

The little things though started to pile up, and eventually, I realized I was losing control and handing it all over to him. With each day, I grew more and more scared of what new liberty he’d take away next.

Sexually, at first, he took our relationship slow. I wasn’t totally inexperienced, but I was still a virgin, and since I had waited twenty-one years for the right man to come along, I was both nervous and terrified of having sex. He relieved my fears early on by promising to wait until we were married.

Then for reasons I can’t explain, he grew impatient and angry with me. He grabbed me often and his soft touches turned hard. His kisses became hungry, his hands began to wander, and all the softer parts of him fell away. The charming and generous man I’d met disappeared.

One night, his promise to wait until marriage went up in smoke.