Page 22

Gabby

“Is everyone gone?” King asks as he and Pez walk through the front door.

Pez is a newly patched member of the club.

He’s tall and cut, but not as muscular as most of the members.

I don’t know him that well, but he seems like a good guy.

I think he’s kind of hung up on Iris, Devil’s daughter.

I hate to break it to him, but she only has eyes for Micah, one of Diesel’s sons.

This place is like a full-time soap opera, honestly.

“Yeah, they left about thirty minutes ago. What is that?” I ask, frowning.

“I decided to add a few more items to the mine column,” he says, avoiding my eyes.

“What does that mean?”

“It means the man went crazy and bought two televisions. The other is still in the truck. This here bad boy is so nice though, that we’re all coming here to watch the games on Saturday night, Gabs, so you need to prepare,” Pez answers, as they put the box down.

“You bought two televisions?” I ask King.

“Ut oh. I know that tone. I’ll go out and get the second TV on my own. It’s smaller,” he adds as he leaves the room.

“Now, Sunshine?—”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” I growl, crossing my arms at my chest. “I told you I didn’t need a lot.”

“I know.”

“It’s important to me I pay my own way, King. I thought you understood that!”

“I do,” he responds, making me want to slap him.

“Well, it sure doesn’t look like it!”

“Are you going to bitch, or are you going to let me explain?”

“I’m leaning toward bitching, only because you explain, but you never stop pushing my boundaries. Do you know how much money you spent today? And I don’t want to think about how much this television cost! It’s huge.”

“It’s eighty-five inches.”

“Oh my God. Why would you need a television that big?”

“Don’t girls always say that size matters?” he quips.

“Quit trying to be cute. I’m seriously pissed at you right now. You aren’t allowed to try to derail that, King.”

“So, you’re saying that I could?”

“I don’t want you spending money like this. Jellybean and I are fine. I know you were behind everything the club did tonight, too.”

“Only the furniture. The rest of it was all Dani and Nicole, I swear. C’mon, Gabby. Even you have to admit they were great tonight.”

“They were, it’s just …”

“Just what, Sunshine?” he asks, and I know he can hear me about to cry.

He walks over to me and pulls me into his arms. I should resist, but I just don’t have it in me.

I rest my head against his chest, my arms bunched up against his firm body.

I try to hold myself stiff, but as his heat runs through me, I find it’s impossible.

I end up wrapping my arms around him and holding onto him.

“I don’t want to be a charity case. My whole life, I was trained to just ask for what I wanted. I can’t allow myself to be that person again. I want to stay on the path that I’m on. I finally like myself and I can’t remember having that feeling before.”

He pulls back to stare down at me. “You gave me a gift tonight, sweetheart. Do you remember?”

“Yes, and it’s still scaring the shit out of me,” I mumble against his shirt.

“Woah, I’ll just take this set into the bedroom and hook it up for you,” Pez says, coming back inside.

I instantly tense, pulling away from King, and swiping at my eyes with the back of my hand. I don’t want anyone to see me cry. It’s embarrassing enough when it’s just King.

“I’m going to go make sure the kitchen is clean,” I whisper, not looking at anyone.

“Pez, head on back. I’ll hook the TVs up. I think Gabby is on overload. Pregnancy hormones,” King says, and I’m such an idiot, I don’t even yell at him for saying that. Heck, for all I know, it could be my hormones—at least in part.

“Yeah, my sister was like that. You sure you want me to take the truck?”

“Crusher will need it back. I’ll get Gabby to drop me off in the morning and I can drive my bike back.”

“Sounds good. Damn good to know you’re coming aboard man,” Pez says.

After a few minutes, I hear the door open and close. I just keep staring out the kitchen window. I think I’m afraid to move. Right now, I’m starting to feel like I’m afraid to breathe.

“He’s gone,” King says from somewhere behind me.

“I heard.”

“We need to talk, Gabby.”

“I think we’ve done a lot of talking today,” I counter. “There’s only so much I can handle. You should know I’m not strong like other women.”

“Bullshit. You know better than that,” he growls.

I force myself to face him and look into his beautiful inky black eyes.

God, he really is beautiful. It is in a rough-as-hell biker kind of way, but it is there.

It calls to me and because of who I am and what I’ve done, I shouldn’t let it—like at all.

“I don’t think I do,” I answer, feeling as pitiful as I feel.

“Gabby, if what we talked about earlier …”

He stops talking, and the strangest thing happens.

I can see it written all over him. I can see it, even though he’s standing ten feet away from me, afraid to get closer.

There’s emotion slipping from him, and it seems to wrap around me.

To most, that might sound stupid. It might even sound like I’m deluding myself.

The thing is, I know King. I’ve seen how tightly wound he is to the outside world, and I’ve seen the pain he exuded when he let his shields down when telling me about Shelby.

I’ve seen the gentle side of him when my brother died and the anger that boiled over at my rape.

Seriously, the ferocity of his raw anger permeated every corner of the room and yet, he still handled me gently and with care.

Not once—even after what happened to me—was I scared of King.

I was afraid of my own damn shadow. If someone spoke just a little mean or loudly around me, I would fight the urge to scream and cower in the corner.

Never with King. Never . So, I’ve always been attuned to the nuances of his personality, because he is my safe place.

Right now, I see what we were talking about weighs heavily on him.

It meant something. It means something. So, I take a breath and force myself above the muck I carry inside.

The muck that I swear sometimes is going to drown me. Then I force myself to breathe.

“King—”

“Sunshine, if me laying out how I feel and what I want for you—for us —is going to send you into a panic, maybe it’s better we just forget it all.”

My heart stutters in my chest. “Forget it all?” I repeat. I’m aware I sound like a little lost puppy right now, but I can’t hide the emptiness those words bring to me—or how they are trying to claw into my soul.

“No, baby, not like that,” King rushes to assure me.

He takes a few steps closer, but I can tell he’s afraid to get too close.

“I promised you I’m going to be a part of your life and this baby’s regardless.

You aren’t ready for a man. I shouldn’t have put that on you.

I can get my shit together and just be the friend that you need.

I don’t want you retreating because I tried to push for something you’re not equipped to deal with yet. ”

“What are you saying, exactly?” I ask, wondering if he can hear the way my voice trembles, while praying he can’t.

“I want you to forget I ever said anything about what I was feeling. This isn’t about me. This is your life. If just the thought of exploring things between us leaves you in a panic, I need to accept that. I can be your friend and help and nothing else. You don’t need to worry.”

His words should reassure me. I should feel relief. Instead, there’s nothing but … Shit . I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Disappointment. Sadness. Fear. They’re all swirling around me, but the bigger feeling is the one where I feel not good enough. I’m so sick of that feeling.

So fucking sick of it.

“It’s me,” I whisper, more to myself than to him.

“What?” he asks, not understanding what I’m saying, but then again, I don’t understand what I’m feeling.

“I fuck everything up, King. I bring chaos and destruction. I’m like the damn headless horseman, wreaking havoc and destruction to everything and everyone I touch.

” He stands there, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

What he doesn’t realize is that I’m not sure I’ve ever had a brain cell in my head. Not a fucking one.

“The headless horseman?” he repeats, but I ignore it.

I’m too far in my head to pull away from it.

It’s not only going to drown me, at this point I’m pretty sure it will annihilate me.

The only good part about this scenario is that there won’t be anything left of me when it’s done.

I’ll be vapor, never to cause harm to another soul.

I stare at him, but I’m gazing through him.

I’m waiting for the darkness to overtake me.

King must get tired of waiting, because I can hear his footsteps.

For some reason, I don’t connect that with him getting closer.

That’s probably why I jump when I feel his hand curl against the side of my neck. “Sunshine, look at me.”

“I am,” I breathe.

“There’s not a damn thing wrong with you.”

“ Everything is wrong with me.”

“Gabby—”

That’s when the muck began to take me over and I listed every damn thing I kept bombarding my brain with night after night.

Every single thing. I did it for no other reason than to make King realize how much better he had in store for his life than someone like me.

As I enumerated the details of my path of destruction, my voice got louder with each crime, more clogged with my tears, and filled with the aching sadness that I knew would never leave me—not for as long as I lived.

I didn’t want King to see me like this. I sure didn’t want him to hear my pain and witness just how broken I am.

I just couldn’t stop it any longer. Here is this beautiful, kind man offering me something I wished with everything in me I could grab with both hands and hold on to forever yet knowing I couldn’t.

Knowing that once again, I already fucked everything up.

So, I just let it fly.

“I’m one huge mistake after another. I have a list of shit I should have done that I did not do. It’s a list that fucking haunts me to the point that I wake up in the middle of the night screaming from the aftermath of the hell behind me, King.”

“Gabby—”

“If I had called Dom out on his cheating and kicked him to the curb. If I hadn’t involved T.

If I’d gotten my shit together and not tried to trap Dom into marriage, to somehow make him miraculously see I could love him more than anyone else.

If I hadn’t gotten my brother killed. If I hadn’t destroyed my parents.

If I hadn’t gotten raped. If I hadn’t been fucking born! If. If. If!!! ”

My legs give way, and I just let my body drop. I don’t hit the floor, though. I feel King’s arms go around me. I can’t see him for my tears, but still somehow find a way to pound my fists against his hard chest.

“Baby—”

“You have to let me go, King. Completely.”

“Fuck, no. I told you I can be your friend. I shouldn’t have pushed for more. Bottom line, I’m going to stand by you. You’re not going through this alone.”

“Stop! Don’t you understand?” I ask, hiccupping through my words. “I’m poison.”

He takes us to my bedroom. I keep crying as he lies down, cradling me like a child. My head is pressed tight against his chest, and his strong arms absorb my sobs. I feel his hands rake through my hair as his lips kiss my forehead.

“You’re not poison, Gabby. You were just on the wrong path, but you’re coming out of it. I’m proud of you. Everyone here tonight is proud of you.” I listen to him, and try to get control, at least enough so I can make him understand.

“You’re wrong. Don’t you think I saw it? The looks of concern Dragon and Nicole shared every time they looked at you. I’m poison, King. You need to walk away. If you don’t, I’ll just drag you down like I did everyone else.”

“You’re talking foolish.”

“I’m not. You and I can never work. No matter how much I want to try.

I’ve already made it impossible. You deserve a good woman.

Someone who hasn’t destroyed everyone she’s touched.

Someone your father won’t look at and cringe when you hold my hand.

Someone your brothers will rejoice you found.

What you do not need is someone where you’re the only man in the family at Christmas dinner who hasn’t touched me, while knowing you might never be able to because I’m so fucked up in the head. ”

He doesn’t respond to that, and I figure that’s a good thing. He’s accepting that I’m right. It’s done. I lay against him, spent. My tears still coming down but are slowing. The sobs that were raking my body begin dissipating.

It’s over and that’s the best thing for King. I continue to lie against him, my ear pressing against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and letting that soothe me. I let everything sink in and feel nothing.

Aching, empty … hollow.