Page 62 of Breaking the Pucking Rules (LA Vipers #1)

CASEY

M an, I love hockey. It doesn’t matter if it’s men’s or women’s; professional, juniors, or youth.

I love it all.

And watching my own team of talented girls play…I think that might just be my favorite.

I’ve only been coaching them a couple of weeks, but I can see them improving with each training session and each game we have. The fact that I might just have something to do with that blows me away.

But as much as I love it, and as focused as I am on the game, at no point do I forget that Kodie is sitting in the stands.

He’s not here for me. He has no interest in talking to me—he’s made that clear enough the last two times I’ve messaged him. And it’s fine; I get it.

I thrust myself into his life without his permission, and I kept something from him that I should have confessed the moment I found out.

As I lay in bed last night, reflecting on my embarrassing freak-out in the bathroom, I came to realize that it’s probably for the best.

Kodie is everything I could possibly want in a man. He’s the whole package. Sweet and caring, sexy, smart, incredibly dedicated and hardworking.

Therein lies the problem.

He’s too good to be true.

I’ve been telling myself these past two weeks that this might be it, that after all these years watching him, pining after him, he could actually be the one.

But it’s just a pipe dream.

He’s exactly what he’s always been.

A fantasy.

I should be grateful. I mean, I am grateful that I got to spend that time with him. And given a chance, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

But I’m not going to be the kind of woman who continues clinging on to a man who doesn’t want her.

It hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

But what else can I do?

I’m Casey fucking Watson, and I will not lose myself because the man I’ve fallen for doesn't want me.

It’s not like he’s a man I can have anyway.

When I find my gaze drifting in his direction as the second period comes to an end, I immediately rip it back.

I just have to get through this game, and then who knows when I’ll see him again.

He’s got another home game tomorrow night, followed by alternating home and road games that will thankfully see him miss both Sutton’s Wednesday evening training and her game next Sunday.

I wanted to keep looking at their game schedule and try to predict when he’ll be here, but I stopped myself, knowing that I’d get obsessed with the dates and waiting for him.

That is not the way to put him behind me.

Focus on a week at a time. Each one that follows will get easier.

Right?

I mean, it has to. I can’t continue with the heart-wrenching pain in my chest right now.

Forcing my attention to stay on the game and not the man taunting me across the rink, I get the pleasure of watching our girls dominate the game and finish with a very impressive six-two win.

Their small crowd erupts with cheers as the final buzzer sounds. The rest of the team joins those on the ice to celebrate before they shake hands with the visitors.

Megan and I watch with pride as they celebrate together before finally turning our way.

They race across the ice, jump through the gate, and surround us.

Sutton is the first to wrap her arms around my waist, and the second I glance down and her glittering eyes lock with mine, I swallow thickly as behind my nose itches.

“Incredible game, girls,” Megan thankfully praises while I battle with the huge lump in my throat that refuses to budge. “We’re so proud of you.”

Parents begin to move closer as Megan says a few more inspirational words.

As I stand there listening, tingles race through my body, the side of my face begins to burn.

Shit.

Despite being aware that he’s getting closer, I don’t react. The last thing I need right now is for him to know just how in tune I am with him.

Stupid, stupid body.

The second Megan dismisses the team, I race around them to begin collecting equipment, and at the first possible opportunity, I disappear.

I can’t bear to stand there and watch Kodie be sweet and attentive to Sutton. I just can’t.

“Hey, are you okay?” Megan asks when she joins me in the equipment closet a few minutes later.

I don’t want to say that I’m hiding in here, but I’m pretty sure she’s figured me out.

“Of course,” I say, forcing a smile.

She studies me for a beat before nodding.

“Great game tonight,” she finally says, deciding that she doesn’t want to dive into my issues.

“They were great.”

“Are you ready for your first road game?” she asks as we put everything away.

“I’m excited to see them play on a different rink.”

“I’ve got a good feeling about this season.”

“Me too,” I muse as I move back toward the ice.

I don’t want to, but as we round the corner, I scan the space for Kodie.

My chest compresses as disappointment rushes through me.

I might have tried to push the thoughts away, but I’d be lying if I said that underneath it all, there was just a little bit of hope that he might have hung around to talk to me.

I suck in a shaky breath.

It really is over.

I didn’t go to the home game on Monday night.

It’s the first game I’ve missed in a long time.

But after a long day at work, I just couldn’t face it.

Seeing Kodie would have been too much.

If I’m ever going to come to terms with everything, then I need some space—which is a really fucking hard thing to find, considering everywhere I turn at work, I see his face.

Literally.

I spent the day working on graphics that included all the team’s new headshots, so for a good part of my morning, Kodie was staring at me through the screen.

All I wanted to do was sob. But I’m stronger than that.

So, instead of breaking, I focused and got his images completed first. Things got a little easier as I moved onto Linc and his cocky smirk. In the safety of my own home, I pulled on Kodie’s jersey and watched the game from my TV.

They won, and I celebrated quietly by myself before crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep as I pictured him out with the guys.

It’ll get easier , I continue lying to myself.

But as the week goes on, the lie only seems to get bigger and bigger.

I’ve only ever lost one person before, and that was Mom. I was ten when she passed, and while I was old enough to understand, it was impossible to come to terms with.

Of course, losing Kodie is very different from losing a parent, but some of the feelings are the same: the dark cloud hanging over me and the struggle to get up in the morning and go about my life like any other day. It reminds me of some of the days back then.

I hate it. But I also don’t know what to do about it.

I’m not a kid now, and I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It’s ridiculous. He’s just a man. A man who never promised me anything.

Hell, let’s be honest—he did the exact opposite.

He told me outright that he couldn’t offer me anything.

I accepted that because I was more than happy to get any little bit of him that I could.

I knew it would end up ripping me apart. I just very much underestimated how hard it would be to walk away from him when he’s still such a huge part of my life.

The only one who understands is Parker, and thankfully, she’s also been crazy busy with clients this week.

We’ve spoken, but I haven’t seen her. She knows I’m struggling, but she doesn’t know the extent of it.

I fear that the second she looks into my eyes, she’ll know.

I met up with Freya for dinner last night after work, and despite knowing she’d understand, I couldn’t tell her anything.

Instead, I focused on everything but the pain in my chest. To be fair, talking about men and relationships was the last thing she wanted anyway.

I stand in the front of the mirror with makeup littering my countertop and dread sitting heavy in my stomach.

I may have missed Monday’s game, but I didn’t stand a chance of missing tonight’s.

Parker is picking me up in fifteen minutes, and I’m yet to decide what I’m wearing.

There’s a part of me that wants to pull on a Seattle Bandits jersey with Donnelly on the back.

A laugh tumbles from my lips as I imagine Dad’s expression if he caught me wearing anything but green and white.

Once I’ve done the best job I can at covering the circles under my eyes, I stand in my closet, assessing my options.

My heart wants me to wear Rivers on my back.

It’s a Friday, so I can only assume that Sutton will be going as well, and something tells me that she’d get a kick out of me wearing her name and number.

“Fuck it,” I mutter before pulling the jersey from its hanger.

That little girl has no idea, but she already has me wrapped around her little finger.

She was on fire at Wednesday night’s practice, and I have no doubt that nothing will change before Sunday’s game.

Inspired by what I’ve been doing at work this week, I dug out my camera and requested that Megan allow me to take headshots of all our girls.

They’re already a great team with a fantastic reputation in the league.

But I’ve got the power to push them even further.

It didn’t take a lot of convincing for Megan to give me the log-in for their social media platforms. All week, I’ve been working on a plan to overhaul everything and really get their name out there.

With thoughts of my girls spinning around my head, I finish getting ready before my cell rings.

My stomach twists as I swipe the screen.

“Do not tell me that you’re not ready,” Parker barks down the line.

“I’m just coming.”

“Good. I haven’t eaten all day. I need those tacos more than I need air right now.”

With a laugh, I push my feet into my sneakers, throw my purse over my shoulder, and pull my door open.

“No margs for you until you’ve lined your stomach,” I tease.

“Hey now, I never said that. ”

“See you in two,” I say before hanging up on her and stepping into the elevator, staring at myself in the mirror.

To everyone else, I probably look fine. But Parker will see the truth.

Just get through this game, and then you won’t see him again until next week.

After giving myself a little pep talk, I walk toward Parker’s car and pull the passenger door open.

“Jeez, you took your—Oh shit,” she curses when her eyes land on me.

“Can we not?”

“You’re wearing his number,” she points out with a frown.

“Nope, I’m wearing Sutton’s number.”

“Not sure Kodie will see it like that.”

“Well, fuck him,” I hiss.

“Yeah,” she muses. “That’s where this all started.”

Shaking my head, I strap myself in. “Just drive before I change my mind about all this.”

“You won’t,” she says confidently.