Page 31

The following evening, Dakota watched with concern as Gavin paced the condo, rubbing his head as he waited for his brother to arrive.

“He’s probably not even coming,” he said with a sigh as he tweaked the shade on the large picture window for the fifth time that evening.

Dakota, who was feeling simultaneously worried about Gavin’s stress levels and exasperated by his inability to sit still, rolled his eyes and stood. “He’s not supposed to be here for another ten minutes.”

“I know, but?—”

“Gavin!” Dakota cupped his cheeks and looked into his eyes. “You’re worrying unnecessarily.”

“I’m not! I’m being realistic.”

“Oh, shut up and kiss me you ridiculous man,” Dakota muttered, pressing closer.

Words hadn’t worked for reassurance, so maybe this approach would be more effective.

Dakota settled his hands against Gavin’s chest and slid his tongue between his lips. And though the kiss had started as a way to stop Gavin’s overthinking, Dakota quickly got lost in the soft, damp heat of Gavin’s mouth and the gentle scrape of his facial hair.

Gavin made a sound low in his throat, his hands coming up to pull Dakota closer. And then they were kissing in earnest. Dakota pressed forward until Gavin’s back hit the windows that stretched across one wall of the condo living room. He had a flash of memory of their night in LA and the little exhibitionist kink they both seemed to have.

“You seemed to like my fingers inside you the other morning,” Dakota rasped as he pressed damp kisses to Gavin’s stubbled jaw.

Gavin shivered. “You know I did.”

“How would you feel about me fucking you?” Dakota whispered.

Gavin gripped his waist more tightly. “Would you?”

“If you want it, yeah.” Dakota worked his way lower, rubbing the tip of his nose against the spot below Gavin’s ear that always smelled so good. Gavin’s hands reflexively tightened on him again. “I’d get you on your hands and knees in front of this wall of windows …”

The sound Gavin made was a low rumble in his chest, so Dakota continued whispering filthy things in his ear. “I could open you up while you look out at the city and wonder who’s watching us. Maybe they’d enjoy seeing a big strong man like you taking my fingers.”

Gavin panted, his breath hot against Dakota’s neck, his grip almost painfully tight, his cock growing thick and hard against Dakota’s stomach.

Dakota rocked against him, growing hard himself, feeling the urge to chase that delicious friction. “And then, when you’re open and ready to take me, I could slide my cock right in. Do you think they’d enjoy seeing that? Seeing you come apart all over?—”

The ping of Gavin’s phone made them both jump, pulling away from each other before dissolving into awkward laughter as their gazes met. Maybe they’d gotten a little carried away. Seemed to be a habit for them. Though, at least this time they’d been in the privacy of Gavin’s condo.

“Fuck,” Gavin muttered. His hands trembled a little as he pulled the phone out of his pocket. “Thad’s on his way up. You made me forget he was even coming over.”

Dakota grinned. “Good. My plan worked then.”

Gavin shot him a look of mingled annoyance and respect. “Was that all that was?”

“No.” Dakota smoothed down Gavin’s neatly pressed black shirt, the fabric warm from his skin. “I really do want to fuck you sometime, if you’re up for it.”

Gavin grabbed his hand, dragging it down to where his cock—still half-hard—pressed at the fly of his soft wool trousers. “I’m up for it. No drugs required.”

Dakota pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Cheesy.”

“You love it,” Gavin said.

Dakota’s heart thudded in his chest, blood ringing in his ears as the word registered.

Gavin opened his mouth like he was going to say something. Maybe take the words back or something, so Dakota leaned forward, briefly pressing his lips to Gavin’s to stop him, then resting their foreheads together.

He whispered, “Maybe I do” and it was the most honest and terrifying thing he had ever said aloud.

But there was no time for him to think about it anymore or for Gavin to respond, because a moment later there was a quiet knock on the condo door.

“You’ve got this,” Dakota said softly, patting his chest. “And I’m going to be right by your side while you do.”

When Gavin opened the door, his brother was on the other side.

Of course he was, that was who he’d gotten a text from a few minutes ago. But Thad was here, in his building, waiting expectantly for him to say something and Gavin was suddenly overwhelmed.

“Come in,” he finally managed, voice rough. His head was spinning from the dizzying array of feelings coursing through him.

To go from the lust-filled moment earlier, to Dakota admitting he loved him—that was what he’d said, wasn’t it?—to seeing his brother, made him feel like he’d been on one of those carnival rides that titled him sideways and whirled him around until he didn’t know which direction was up.

“I can, uh, take your coat,” he offered as Thad stepped inside the condo.

“Thanks.”

Thad shrugged off his puffer jacket to reveal he was dressed casually in jeans, a white T-shirt, and an open green button-down shirt. He bent to take off his boots and Gavin stared down at Thad’s hair, wondering if his brother dyed it. It was still so dark brown, with none of the silver at the temples like Gavin had.

But when Thad straightened, Gavin caught a glint of something bright in his beard and he turned away with a smile. That fucker. He was so dyeing his hair. Gavin was tempted to chirp him for his vanity, but he was afraid of starting off on the wrong foot. Of accidentally making a tense situation worse with an ill-timed joke.

“Want anything to drink?” Gavin asked instead, walking toward the kitchen.

“I’ll take a beer, if you’ve got it,” Thad said, stuffing his hands into his jeans’ pockets.

“Sure.” Gavin mentally fist-pumped for guessing right. He’d ordered a variety pack from the market earlier. “Uh, grab whatever appeals.”

He held the refrigerator door open and gestured for Thad to help himself.

Thad did, twisted the lid off, then gave Gavin a surprised look when he didn’t take anything for himself. Gavin was fucking tempted to slug down a few fingers of whiskey, but he’d promised himself, his doctor, and Dakota he’d cut way back.

“Watching your carbs?” Thad asked.

Gavin shook his head. “No. It’s my heart.”

“Yeah,” Thad said, a frown creating deep grooves his forehead. “Dakota said something about that. Where is your boyfriend, by the way? I figured he’d be here to play referee.”

“He’s in the living room,” Gavin explained. “C’mon, let’s head in there to talk. He’s willing to give us privacy if we want it, but I think you’re right that we could use a cooler head than either of ours to mediate.”

Thad shot him a rueful grin and for the briefest second, it was like they were still teenagers sharing an inside joke. Still close. Like nothing had come between them, especially not two decades of mistakes and regret.

Dakota was in the living room, seated on a chair near the window and looking a bit wary as he glanced between them, plainly wondering how things were going. “Hi, Thad. Good to see you.”

“Hey. Good to see you too.”

“Hope the roads weren’t too bad,” Dakota said, his tone careful and polite.

“Nah, the snow is pretty much cleared away.”

Gavin crossed the room, smoothing a hand down Dakota’s hair before pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. God, it was a relief to have him here.

Dakota shot him a fleeting smile when he pulled away.

“So, this is serious then, huh?” Thad asked, glancing between them.

“Yes,” Gavin said, settling a hand on Dakota’s shoulder and squeezing. “It is. I notified the ownership group about our relationship yesterday.”

“Congrats.” It sounded sincere.

“Thanks. Are you seeing anyone?” Gavin asked.

“Not seriously. Just, you know, the occasional hookup here and there.”

Gavin nodded, unsure of how to proceed from here. This was … awkward. Making tense but polite small talk with his own brother was weird as hell.

“Why don’t you have a seat?” he offered, gesturing to one end of the sectional. He took a spot at the other.

Thad settled in, getting comfortable, then wrapped his hands around his beer bottle so hard his knuckles went white. “So, uh, you’re having heart issues? If you’d’ve said liver or kidney, I’d have wondered if you wanted me to donate or something. But you have to be dead to donate a heart, right?”

Gavin managed a faint smile. “I promise I didn’t invite you here to beg for any of your organs. I want to talk.”

“Okay, but the heart thing,” Thad pressed. “You’re kinda freaking me out here, man.”

“You’re worried about me?” Gavin asked, genuinely surprised.

“Jesus fuck, Gavin,” Thad muttered before taking a long drink of his beer. “Yes, I’m fucking worried. I know our relationship is shit now, but I care if you’re having heart issues , you dumb fuck.”

Okay, well, Gavin probably deserved that.

“They caught it early-ish,” he said. “So that’s good.”

“What is it ? Did you have a heart attack or what?”

“Oh. Sorry.” Gavin went on to explain what he’d been dealing with and Thad let out a relieved sigh.

“Fuck, I thought it was worse than that,” Thad said. He pressed a hand to his chest, right over his heart. Like he could feel it there too.

“Well, I’m trying to keep it from being worse,” Gavin snapped before he could stop himself. “And with our family history …”

“Yeah. True.”

“So, what happened with dad last year?” Gavin asked, forcing himself to take a deep breath before he made things even more heated.

Thad looked startled. “Oh, right. I forgot you didn’t know about that, did you?”

“All I know is what you told me at the arena,” Gavin said tightly.

Thad rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, so Dad had triple bypass surgery.”

“And no one fucking called me.” Gavin looked up at the ceiling. Fuck! That hurt.

“I’m sorry. I would have. But Mom didn’t want?—”

“Yeah, they’ve both made it abundantly clear they want nothing to do with me anymore,” Gavin said bitterly.

Thad winced. “I should’ve told them the truth.”

Gavin stared at him. “Wait. They still don’t know it was your idea to take the fall for me?”

“No.” Thad looked down at his hands.

“Jesus fuck, Thad!”

“I—I’m fucking sorry. It was hard enough to fix shit after I got out of prison. I didn’t want to stir up even more crap!”

“Oh, but the fact they don’t even want to speak to me is … something I’m supposed to live with?” Gavin asked bitterly. “You got what you wanted and fuck what it did to me.”

“Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you,” Thad snarled. “Which of us lives in a fucking penthouse condo in downtown Boston and which of us has the arrest record that shows up on every goddamn housing application that gets put in?”

Gavin flinched, deflating. “I hadn’t thought about that.”

“Of course you didn’t.” There was bitterness in Thad’s voice now too. “You never were very good at seeing the consequences of your actions.”

Dakota cleared his throat. “Guys, maybe you could both stand to take a deep breath and remember why you’re here.”

Thad shot him an annoyed glance but when Dakota continued to look at him steadily, his shoulders slumped and he nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

“Hey,” Dakota said softly. “I’m not the one who needs an apology here. And my comment was for both of you.”

He shot a pointed look at Gavin, and he nodded because Dakota was right. “Thank you,” he mouthed.

Dakota nodded, so Gavin turned to look at his brother. “I’m sorry if I let my temper get the better of me. It hurts that Mom and Dad want nothing to do with me. But Dakota is right. I know I can’t undo the past, but I invited you here because I’d like to at least work on building a new relationship going forward.”

Thad let out the breath he’d been holding and nodded. “I’d like that too.”

“So, I’m sorry my shitty decisions led to so many terrible things for you,” Gavin said. “Honestly. I—I fucked up. I have a lot of regrets for ever getting involved with Dillon and letting myself get swept up with a crowd like that.”

Thad rubbed his head. “Look, I appreciate that, but?—”

“If I could go back,” Gavin continued, “I would. I’d take it all back. I’d stop you from ever having to be in a position where you had to protect me. Like you had to lie to cover for me.”

“I would have done anything to protect you,” Thad said softly. “I didn’t want you to ruin your life.”

“Instead, I ruined yours.” Gavin closed his eyes, pained as he let himself imagine all the ways this could have gone differently. All the ways he could have done better. All the ways he’d failed.

“Well, you know, I’m doing okay now, I guess,” Thad said, looking down at his hands. “I’ve got a place to live and a pretty great job thanks to you.”

“Are you happy here?” Gavin pressed. “In Boston and with the Harriers?”

Thad shrugged. “I’m not unhappy .”

That wasn’t really a ringing endorsement.

“Tell me what I can do,” Gavin said earnestly. “How can I fix this?”

“There’s no fixing it,” Thad said with a shrug. “It is what it is.”

“Yeah, but I need to—to make this right ,” he pressed. “To apologize for you feeling like you had to go to prison for me.”

“I don’t want you to apologize for that!” Thad said, glancing up, his eyes flashing pure frustration. “Goddamn it, Gavin. You never fucking listen to me. You didn’t then and you still aren’t, you asshole.”

“I’m listening!” he protested.

But out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Dakota’s raised eyebrow and took a deep breath. “What am I not hearing ?” he asked more softly.

“ Why I’m actually pissed at you,” Thad said. “It’s not that I went to prison. That was my goddamn choice.”

“Is it because I squandered my shot at the NHL?”

Thad sighed. “Well, I would have been happier if you’d had a solid playing career, but no, that’s not it either. You’re obviously doing what you’re meant to do, however you got here.”

“I don’t understand then.”

“God, you’re so fucking dense you drive me crazy,” Thad muttered. “I’m pissed you weren’t there for me while I was in prison, you asshole!”

“What?” Gavin blinked. “I …”

Thad closed his eyes. “You disappeared . You acted like you were ashamed of me.”

“I was ashamed of myself!”

For a moment, they both froze.

“What?” Thad asked hoarsely.

“I was ashamed that all of the choices I made led to you being there,” Gavin admitted, tone turning gruff. “How could I look you in the eye, knowing it was all my fault?”

“You—arrghh.” Thad clenched his fist. “God, I could fucking punch you, you dickwad. I didn’t fucking care whose fault it was. I just wanted my brother.”

His voice broke at the end and tears stung Gavin’s eyes. “Was it—was it awful?” he asked thickly.

Thad shrugged. “Pine Grove wasn’t as fucking nice as its name implies, that’s for damn sure.”

“It was a facility for young adult offenders, right?”

“Yeah. It’s supposed to be for young men from like, sixteen to twenty-five, but sometimes older guys ended up there too. But it’s—it’s fucking maximum security, Gav. Even if I had actually gone to the electronics store to rob someone, there were no weapons involved. It wasn’t a felony. It was a non-violent crime. Do you know why I ended up in maximum security?”

“I—I have no idea,” Gavin admitted. He’d never really thought about that.

Thad’s mouth twisted. “Because I ratted out your fucking buddies in exchange for a lighter sentence and there was a chance they might want to retaliate. They said the only way they could keep me safe was to put me in a prison with higher security.”

“Shit. That’s awful ,” Dakota whispered.

Thad sighed, nodding, but his gaze never left Gavin’s as he shrugged. “Yeah, well, that’s the US corrections system.”

“Was there—was there a lot of violence there?” Gavin asked. He’d always imagined all sorts of horrible things happening there, but what did he actually know about prison? He’d only watched fictional depictions on TV. He had no idea what it was like to live through.

Thad shrugged. “There was enough. Enough that it makes it hard to sleep. Hard to ever feel safe or let down your guard anywhere. I was lucky because I was physically strong and smart enough to figure out the lay of the land. I learned how to keep my head above water and keep from being the kind of guy who looked like a target.”

Gavin swallowed hard. “I hate that I didn’t protect you. And that I wasn’t there to help you through it.”

Thad looked away, staring out the wall of windows. “I managed. The loneliness was the worst though. Feeling like my whole family had abandoned me.”

“Fuck.” Gavin closed his eyes. “That was … you deserved better. I’m sorry.”

Thad glanced back at him. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, you know? You to say you’re sorry. You to admit you fucked up there. Going to prison for you … that part I’d do all over again. I hated every second of it but … but I would have done it a thousand times over if you’d written to me occasionally. Shown up and looked me in the eye.”

“I was a coward,” Gavin whispered.

Thad’s face twisted into an expression Gavin couldn’t even begin to identify. “Uh, well, before you go beating yourself and thinking I’m some kind of saint, I have something I need to confess too.”

Gavin raised his eyebrow. “What’s that?”

Thad rubbed the back of his neck. “I, uh … I’m the reason we didn’t get drafted together.”

“What?” Gavin whispered.

“I—I told the GMs who were interested that I wanted to go separate. That I didn’t want to play on the same team with you.”

“But why? You—you were always the one who?—”

“Because I knew you didn’t want to play with me anymore!” Thad snapped. “Because you made it more than obvious you didn’t want me around!”

Gavin’s eyes stung with tears again. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you around, Thad, I felt like … like our parents, our coaches, half the fucking time they didn’t even see us as separate people.”

Thad laughed wetly. “God. Do you remember those stupid matching outfits Mom used to put us in?”

“The khakis and striped polo shirts,” Gavin said softly. He hadn’t thought about those in years. But they’d been forced to wear them to every family event, every school picture day, every time they went to church. Which, admittedly, wasn’t really all that often but it had always been about how things looked to other people.

Shit, was that why he’d gone for Rory? Why a relationship that was all surface and no depth had felt so natural to him?

“Blue for me, red for you,” Thad whispered, pulling him from his thoughts about his ex.

“Always.” Gavin rolled his eyes. “Even though I liked blue better than you ever did.”

“Is that why you always wear black now?” Dakota blurted out.

Gavin laughed softly, glancing over at him. “Probably part of it, yeah. It also means I have to make fewer decisions in the mornings when I get dressed, which saves me time and mental energy. But I’m sure the way Mom dressed us didn’t help.”

He returned his attention to his brother. “But it wasn’t about you. Thad. It was never really about you. I loved playing hockey with you. I—I was devastated when I found out we weren’t drafted to the same team.”

Thad looked down at his hands. “I know—I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it then but by the time I did, it was too late. And that’s when you really started to spiral, wasn’t it? Started to get in deeper with Dillon and the rest of those guys.”

“Yeah.” Gavin sighed, thinking about that time in his life. It seemed so long ago, like he’d been a totally different person then.

“I really am sorry.” Thad looked up, his eyes filled with remorse. “I’ve felt guilty for years.”

Pieces in Gavin’s head started to come together, painting a horrible picture. “Is—is that why you confessed to the robbery?”

“Yes.” Thad twisted his hands together, though his gaze never left Gavin’s. “I thought it was my fault you got in so deep with them. I thought it was the only way I could make things right between us.”

“No,” Gavin rasped, horrified. “I never wanted?—”

“I know.” Thad’s eyes were swimming. “I know that. I know neither of us wanted any of this to go the way we did. We both made terrible decisions, and we should have talked and?—”

“Yeah, we should have,” Gavin agreed. “But what’s done is done.”

“Is it?”

Gavin shrugged. “We can’t take back what happened. We can’t take back any of it. But I think now we both have a better idea of why we did what we did.”

“And can you forgive me?” The sincere hope in Thad’s eyes made Gavin’s chest ache.

“Of course.” Because yes, it hurt. It fucking hurt that his brother had gone behind his back and spoken to GMs about not getting drafted together. But what was the point of holding onto that anger? “ Of course I forgive you. Can you forgive me?”

“Yes. You’re my brother.”

Gavin surged to his feet and Thad rose too, a little more slowly. They stared at each other for a few moments before Gavin held out his arms. Thad walked into them and then they were clinging to each other.

Gavin’s eyes pricked with tears once again and he could feel the shuddering of Thad’s chest against his own. He never thought he’d have this moment. He never thought they’d find a way to reconcile again.

“I’m so sorry,” Gavin whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry I let anything come between us. You have no idea how much I missed you all these years.”

“I missed you too.” Thad’s voice was filled with emotion. “And I’m sorry for my part in all this.”

“I forgive you. Do you forgive me?”

“Of course,” Gavin choked out.

Thad held him tighter.

“No matter what, we won’t let it happen again,” Gavin vowed.

“No matter what,” Thad echoed.

They stood there for a long time in silence, both of them sniffling a little, both of them reluctant to let go.

“Hey, have you ever noticed we make really terrible life decisions when we aren’t there for each other?” Gavin finally muttered against the side of Thad’s head.

Thad laughed wetly. “Yeah, I have.”

Gavin drew back, but only far enough to look his brother in the eye, hands still clasped around his upper arms. “So what if we started supporting each other again?”

Thad’s eyes were red-rimmed but his gaze was steady. “Yeah. I’d like that.”