Page 21

Dakota sighed and stood, pacing the small private waiting room, too restless and worried to sit.

It had been hours.

He’d drunk several cups of green tea already and nibbled at the graham crackers available on a little cart nearby. But there was still no news of what was going on with Gavin.

The good thing about being connected to the Harriers organization was that a call to the team doctor had allowed Gavin to skip the line in the emergency room at the local hospital.

Unfortunately, testing still took time.

No amount of mindfulness and meditation had managed to calm Dakota’s anxiety, and he was debating if he should go pace the halls for a while when a nurse walked through the door.

She smiled at him. “You’re here for Gavin Racine?”

“Yes.” Dakota swallowed hard. “Is there news?”

“We can take you back to his room to speak to him, if you’d like.”

Oh, thank God . “Please,” he croaked.

When Dakota followed her into the small observation room and he saw Gavin, he was hit with a wave of relief so strong it left him dizzy.

Gavin looked tired. Dressed in a hospital gown and sitting upright at the end of the bed, he seemed drawn and haggard in a way Dakota had never seen before. But he also looked solid and alive .

Dakota had feared the worst.

The nurse slipped out the door, closing it behind her.

“Hey,” Dakota said when she was gone. “What’s the verdict?”

Gavin didn’t speak, just opened his arms, and Dakota went into them. Gavin gripped him tightly around the waist, his forehead pressed to Dakota’s sternum. Surprised, Dakota hesitantly reached up, sliding his hand through Gavin’s short hair until Gavin sighed sleepily, his body growing soft and lax against Dakota’s.

Clearly, he needed this—this touch or comfort or whatever it was. And maybe Dakota did too. He hadn’t expected how relieved he’d feel at the strength in Gavin’s arms, the warmth of their bodies pressed together.

Dakota ran a hand across Gavin’s broad shoulders, stroking softly, and Gavin released a shuddering sigh. It made Dakota’s throat tighten as he worried maybe this heart episode was something serious.

Clearly not urgent, not if they were releasing him, but still worrisome.

“Hey,” Dakota said again, this time more softly, sliding his hand to cup Gavin’s cheeks, then tilting his head so he could look him in the eye. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

“I’m …” Gavin’s voice was hoarse. “I’m okay.”

“What?” Dakota blinked.

“It was mostly stress and overwork.”

“So, no heart attack?” Dakota asked, relieved.

“Nope.” Gavin’s expression lightened. “I’m at really high risk for one in the future, but I didn’t have one today. They want me to see my doctor and do some additional testing. Gonna have to make some major lifestyle changes because I definitely have coronary artery disease. But I’m … I’m okay.”

“Oh shit.” Dakota was almost giddy. He smiled down at Gavin, sliding his thumbs across the coarse hair where his short beard met his sideburns, the hair more silvery there and at the temples than anywhere else. “That’s great news.”

“Yeah. Scared the fuck out of me though,” Gavin admitted.

“You scared me too,” Dakota said softly.

“You were going to break up with me earlier, weren’t you?” Gavin asked, searching his face.

“Uhh. Was there anything to break up?” Dakota asked, though even as he said it, he knew it wasn’t entirely true.

Gavin gave him a lopsided little smile. “Well, end things. Whatever you want to call it.”

“I was planning on it, yeah,” Dakota admitted.

“And now?”

Dakota opened his mouth, then shrugged helplessly. “I … fuck, Gavin. I don’t … Look, what I came to tell you was that Violet knows about us. She figured it out from our body language at the arena.”

Worry flickering across his face, Gavin sat back, and Dakota let his hands fall away from Gavin’s face.

“You don’t think it’s worth the risk.”

Dakota swallowed hard. “Well, I didn’t think so, but now?—”

There was a brief rap on the door. “Mr. Racine? We’re here to go over your discharge instructions.”

“Come in.”

Dakota took a seat in a nearby chair and tried to fade into the background, but apparently, they’d assumed he was either Gavin’s partner or at the very least, close friend, because they kept addressing him too, like he’d have some part in Gavin’s future appointments.

Dakota nodded and went along with it, because he didn’t want to argue, not when he didn’t know what was happening between them or what he’d even say. How he’d explain.

It was nearly an hour later that they finally got into a car.

Gavin hadn’t wanted to take an ambulance to the hospital and Dakota hadn’t wanted to drive Gavin’s car in the ever-crazy Boston traffic, so they’d taken a car service there.

They did the same on the way back to Gavin’s place, and Dakota was grateful when the partition went up and they were left to speak in private.

“You are okay with coming back to my place, right?” There was something brittle in Gavin’s voice.

Dakota nodded, glancing over. “Yeah. If you want me.”

Gavin studied his face, though what he could see in the dim car was debatable, but a moment later he nodded. “Yes. I do.”

They didn’t say anything else, but they were halfway there before Dakota realized their fingers were tangled together on the seat between them. He glanced down, looking at Gavin’s wide, sturdy fingers wrapped around his slimmer, narrower ones, the image alternately illuminated and plunged into shadow every time they passed a streetlight, and his throat thickened.

In the condo, Gavin stripped out of the now rather rank-smelling workout gear he’d worn to the hospital, then stepped into the shower. He looked at Dakota, not saying anything, but every line in his body screamed out that he was searching for comfort. For connection.

So Dakota stripped off too and went to him.

They didn’t speak in the shower either, just soaped each other off. Gavin’s eyes closed with bliss when Dakota scrubbed his hair, and he seemed tired and a little dazed as they slid into bed.

“You’re staying?” Gavin said hopefully, though his eyes were already drooping.

“Yeah,” Dakota said quietly. “I am.”

He could tell himself all he wanted that it was because it was late and the last train to Quincy had already run, but that wasn’t the half of it. He shot off a text message to Violet letting her know he was spending the night at Gavin’s place—he’d deal with the fallout from that in the morning—and set his phone aside.

“There’s an extra charger in the nightstand drawer with adapters,” Gavin mumbled, then flipped on his side.

After Dakota’s phone was plugged in, he hesitantly let his body curve around Gavin’s, but he simply sighed, pressing back into his touch. Dakota wrapped an arm around him, softly stroking the hair on his belly, and it wasn’t long before Gavin’s body went slack against his.

Dakota fought sleep a while longer, his head whirling with everything that had happened today, but eventually, he too closed his eyes and slept.

Gavin awoke to the sound of insistent beeping.

He fumbled with his phone until it stopped, squinting tiredly at the screen. He should get up. Should get on with his morning routine …

But he winced when he thought of the doctor telling him he needed to take better care of himself. That he was going too hard. That if he didn’t dial it back, he’d find himself facing down a real heart attack the next time.

And it would happen sooner rather than later.

Behind him, Dakota made a sleepy, disgruntled noise. Gavin smiled, turning over. Dakota was sprawled on his stomach and Gavin reached out to brush his messy hair off his cheek. “Shh, go back to sleep,” he whispered, an oddly tender feeling growing in his chest. “It’s too early to get up.”

Another mutter and Dakota buried his head in the pillow and was out.

Gavin watched Dakota sleep for a few moments before his own eyelids became too heavy to keep open and he drifted off again.

The next time he awoke, it was to Dakota’s alarm.

Dakota flailed for it, nearly catching Gavin in the nose.

“Other nightstand,” he said hoarsely.

Dakota sat upright, staring at him with a wide-eyed, alarmed glance, before something seemed to register. He shut off the alarm and flopped back down, staring at the ceiling.

“Forgot you spent the night here?” Gavin asked quietly, clicking on the light on his nightstand.

“Uhh …” Dakota sighed. “Honestly, yes.”

“How are you feeling about that in the cold light of day?”

Dakota squinted at the curtains Gavin had left open last night like he was trying to figure that out. The sky was still mostly dark. “Uhh, fine, I guess.”

“And where do we stand on the ‘you want to end things’ front?”

Dakota rubbed a hand over his face. “It’s a little early for relationship negotiations, isn’t it?”

“Is that what we’re doing here?” Gavin asked, keeping his voice as neutral as possible. Because he had a feeling if he pushed too hard, Dakota would spook.

Dakota turned to face Gavin. “I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Dakota, I care about you,” Gavin admitted. “And I know when we started this, a relationship wasn’t something either of us wanted. But last night … it, well, it shifted the way I’m looking at my life.”

“You had a near-death experience and now you’re questioning everything?” There was a hint of humor in Dakota’s voice and Gavin smiled at him.

“Not quite that dramatic, but yeah, that’s the general idea, I guess.” He’d suddenly realized how alone he was. That he didn’t have family or a husband or boyfriend or partner in the waiting room.

But he did have Dakota.

The thought had been a strange comfort. It had kept the panic at bay.

And then he’d thought about his conversation with Wade, and he let himself wonder what his life would look like if he allowed Dakota in. If he did let himself fall in love again.

Because Dakota wasn’t Rory.

And as terrifying as it was to allow someone in again, wasn’t it worth trying? Gavin was a man who thrived on risk taking. Wasn’t falling in love the biggest, wildest risk of all?

“So, what did the doctors tell you, exactly?” Dakota asked.

“Well. I’m overworked and overstressed.”

“No shit. I knew that the minute I met you.”

“Well, you’re smarter than I am,” Gavin admitted wryly. “Because I thought I could handle it.”

“I know.”

“Hey!” Gavin protested.

“No! I meant the second part, not the first.” Dakota reached out and took his hand.

Gavin squeezed it, feeling hopeful. “I mean, you probably are smarter than me. It certainly seems like you have a better work/life balance.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Dakota sighed. “Violet would tell me I work too much as well.”

“So, what if we worked on that?” Gavin asked. “Find better balance in our lives together.”

“You really want to date?” Dakota’s gaze searched his face, expression a little puzzled.

Gavin nodded. “Yeah, I really do.”

“Even though we argue about ridiculous stuff?”

“What if we tried working together instead?” Gavin offered.

“Well, that would be novel.” Dakota laughed softly.

“Can’t hurt to try, right?”

“I suppose not.” Dakota bit his lip. “Except, what about work?”

“Well, I had an idea last night. It came to me when they had a heart monitor strapped to my chest and they were muttering about PVCs.”

“I was right, then? You were having premature ventricular contraction?”

“Yeah. The nurse explained it happens when the electrical signal to start my heartbeat comes from the wrong chambers.”

“Right, I get that. But I thought it was generally no big deal.”

“For young people, yeah. It’s just a weird flukey thing they grow out of. By my age, with my lifestyle, I guess it can be a sign of the heart muscle weakening or serious heart issues.”

“Oh. Shit. Well, that’s scary.”

“Yeah. They did blood work and an EKG. No sign of a previous heart attack—thank God—although my cholesterol and blood pressure are really elevated, way up from the bloodwork I had done earlier this year, so they want me to work on that. I have a high risk of a heart attack if I keep going on like I have been.” Gavin sighed heavily.

Dakota shifted closer, pressing their foreheads together. “You know what helps with all those things?” he whispered. “Drinking less alcohol and eating less meat.”

Gavin huffed out a laugh. “ See , that’s why I need to keep you around. You can teach me to eat more vegetables.”

“That’s the only reason you want me around?” Dakota asked, smiling.

“No. Not even close.” Gavin pulled back. “I mean it. I care about you, Dakota. My life is better with you in it. And it’s more than our great sex life.”

Dakota’s expression turned thoughtful. “I do care about you too,” he finally whispered. “I was really scared you were actually going to drop dead of a heart attack or something. I’m … I never considered the idea of this becoming something serious.”

“I know you had a bad experience in your last relationship,” Gavin said carefully. “And you have a lot of reasons to be wary about risking it again. But I’m not Bryce.”

“I know you aren’t him. But yesterday, you were … you were really aggressive when I got here. You weren’t listening to me, you were talking like you?—”

“Like I wanted to top you?” Gavin finished with a lift of his eyebrows. “I—I’m sorry. I wasn’t in the best head space. I talked to Thad and he—well, apparently he and our parents have reconciled and I’m the odd man out in the family. It hit really hard.”

Dakota frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that but I’m not sure I understand what that has to do with us.”

“It’s something we can talk about more at some point,” Gavin said. “But the short version is, I wasn’t feeling like myself yesterday. I got really insecure about some stuff and I started spiraling and I—I made some bad choices.”

“Yeah, I get that part,” Dakota said. “I’m just not sure I?—”

“I behaved like an ass,” Gavin said bluntly. “I’m not making excuses for it. Honestly. I’m not. There are reasons, but in the end, they don’t matter. I can be really bullish when I go after something I want, and I guess I fell back on my default. But I acted like a dick to you and I’m sorry.”

“I appreciate the apology.”

“But?”

“But …” Dakota wet his lips. “But there is a serious conflict of interest here with our jobs, Gavin. And if we go forward with something—with dating, or whatever, we run the risk of being found out. And the truth is, even if I set aside my fear about screwing up my career for a man again, it isn’t me I’m concerned about. It’s Violet. Things are more complicated for my sister than you know. And I don’t want to be someone who puts her career or the life she has in jeopardy.”

Gavin frowned because he had no idea what Dakota was talking about. He opened his mouth to ask for clarification, but Dakota shook his head.

“I’m sorry. I can’t tell you anything more without clearing it with her first.”

Gavin nodded. Fair enough. He had plenty of secrets of his own and he had no interest in prying into Dakota’s or Violet’s pasts if they weren’t willing to share. “I understand.”

“Honestly,” Dakota said, and the emotion in his voice made Gavin tighten his grip on his hand. “I don’t know what to do. I do care about you, Gavin. Sitting in that waiting room, waiting for word on how you were doing … it forced me to admit my feelings for you aren’t quite as neat and tidy as I thought they were. As neat and tidy as I wanted them to be.” He let out a rueful laugh. “And the truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared about how our involvement could impact my job, scared about how it could impact Violet’s life. But mostly scared of … of getting hurt again.”

He looked down at their clasped hands, his lashes throwing shadows onto his cheeks.

“And I’m scared you’re feeling emotional because of this ER trip and once that all clears, you’ll change your mind.”

Gavin sighed because … he got that. None of Dakota’s worries were unreasonable or unfounded.

“I won’t lie to you,” he said softly. “Last night was emotional for me. Lying on a gurney while they ran tests, well, it made a lot of thoughts race through my head. About my life and what I want from it. About if I’m really, truly happy with where I’m at.”

Dakota frowned but didn’t speak, so Gavin kept going. “The truth is, I’ve given my all to my career because—because there are things missing from my life. I love this job, I’m damn good at it, but, honestly, it was easier to focus on work than face the fact that I’m—I’m lonely. For years, I told myself I had this amazing life. I’d look at all my accomplishments as proof I had it all together but I don’t.”

Gavin’s breath caught. “When I was in my teens, I did something monumentally stupid, and it fucked up my life and Thad’s. And that of our parents. And there’s no going back from it. There’s no undoing it. And I don’t know how to fix it, or how to make the shame of what I did ever go away and so … so I tried to build this life that would somehow … cover for that, I guess?”

Dakota nodded, his brows drawn together.

“I have the high-powered job and the condo and the car and the lifestyle that told everyone I was a success and not a failure. But I”—he licked his lips—“I feel like a failure sometimes. Sometimes I still feel like that guy who was a draft bust. Who never amounted to anything as a player.”

“Gavin,” Dakota said thickly.

But Gavin kept going, because if he didn’t get this out, he never would. “And Rory was a piece of that success. He was proof of my success. I had it all. I had the career and the wealth and the gorgeous husband and I was a success, damn it!”

Dakota squeezed his fingers tightly.

“Last night as I stared up at the ugly ceiling tiles in the emergency room, all I could think about was the fact that you were the one waiting for me. You were the only one who cared—” Gavin’s voice cracked, and he couldn’t continue.

“Gavin,” Dakota said, sliding closer, tangling their legs together. “Hey. I was the only one who knew about it. Of course I was the only one who was there for you.”

“Yeah, but who else do I have?” Gavin whispered.

Dakota shook his head. “The team loves you. Everyone in the organization does too. They would all rally around you if you needed them to.”

Gavin closed his eyes. “Not if they knew the truth about what happened.”

“ I don’t know the truth,” Dakota said, his voice soft. “But I don’t need to. You’re a good man, I know you are.”

“And a man who doesn’t have a single fucking person who loves him.”

The words came out as a whisper, and Gavin wanted to take them back the moment they left his mouth. He regretted them immediately and he opened his mouth to say he didn’t mean it but Dakota spoke first.

“If your brother didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have come to you when he needed a job.”

Gavin sighed, letting go of Dakota’s hand and rolling onto his back. The ceiling of his condo bedroom was nicer than the one in the emergency room—there weren’t the industrial ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights for one—but it brought him right back to the thoughts he’d had last night.

“I’m not so sure about that,” Gavin admitted. “I think, when it comes down to it, Thad knew he had me backed into a corner. I had to give him the job, or risk everyone finding out what I’d done.”

Dakota scooted closer again, resting a hand on Gavin’s chest. “Maybe that was part of it, but I don’t think that’s all of it,” Dakota said softly.

Gavin turned to look at him and a little pang appeared in his chest that had nothing to do with the PVCs that had scared him shitless and made him question his mortality. His life .

“No, maybe not,” Gavin slowly admitted, thinking about how appalled Thad had sounded at the idea he would have threatened Gavin. He’d been offended by the idea of actually going through with it. But he hadn’t been above acting like he would.

“So maybe that’s something you can work on,” Dakota coaxed.

“Maybe,” Gavin said.

“I get that you’re scared right now,” Dakota said. “About your future and where you are in your life. But I can’t be a bandage, Gavin.”

“Hey, I know,” Gavin protested. “I’m not asking you to be. I don’t want another relationship like I had with Rory.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Gavin said firmly. “I need to make some changes in my life. I know that. Both for my health and for, well, my happiness.”

“Okay,” Dakota said slowly. “And you think I could make you happy?”

“I know my life has been better since Thanksgiving when we started talking,” Gavin admitted. “And before you tell me it’s because of the orgasms, that’s not it. Or at least not all of it.”

Dakota gave him a faint smile.

“I like the way you challenge me,” he whispered. “I like that I feel … I like that the tightly wound spot in the center of my chest eases when you’re around. I like the way your calm, peaceful demeanor softens that internal restlessness I can never quite shake. I like that you make me laugh more, and that I have something to look forward to when we make plans. I’ve liked getting to know you better.”

Dakota nodded, looking faintly surprised.

“And that’s what I want , Dakota,” Gavin said earnestly. “I’m not asking you to make a lifelong commitment. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m asking you to take a few days and think about if we have the potential for more. If it’s worth getting to know each other better. Worth seeing if we have a shot at something great together.”

“I’ll give it some thought,” Dakota said.

It didn’t feel like enough, but Gavin nodded anyway, because it had to be Dakota’s choice. And he had offered him a few days to think about it.

“What about our careers though?” Dakota pressed. “And Violet’s. Because I’m not willing to risk?—”

“Well, that’s what I started to tell you earlier,” Gavin said, shifting until he was in a seated position. “I think I’m going to quit my job.”