Page 18

17

Paul

M y hands are steady by some miracle, but my body feels like it’s vibrating. What the fuck was that? Did he hear how much truth was in my words?

The urge to cry is so damn strong because I love him so much it hurts. It aches. Knowing he doesn’t love me back and may never is a bitter pill to swallow.

Brendon’s body is limp under me, sated and relaxed for the first time in days, and I don’t want to let him go. Something in his head is twisted, and every part of me wants to fix it, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what happened or how to put the pieces of him back together. It’s like someone handed me a puzzle but put a blindfold over my eyes. I can feel the edges but can’t see how they fit together.

It hurts to know he’s in so much pain. Does he not trust me with the truth? All I want is for him to be okay.

We need to talk. I can’t keep living like this. Never knowing what version of him will walk into our room or if he’s coming back at all. It’s exhausting.

Forcing myself to let him go, I sit up. His now soft dick slides out of me, leaving me feeling empty, and I climb off the bed to get a washcloth. After getting one wet and cleaning myself off, I head back to the bed and find Brendon sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

I stand between his knees and wipe his chest off. Once he’s clean, I toss the cloth toward the bathroom, and he leans his forehead against my abdomen with his hands on my hips.

“I know you want to talk, but I’m so tired.” His voice is small, and it hurts my heart. I run my hand over his head, dragging my short nails against the back of his head. He shudders and moans, wrapping his arms around my legs in a hug. Brendon normally has a big personality, he takes up space in the room, and loves life. The fact that he’s shut down right now is physically painful.

I reach for his chin and lift his face so I can see him.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you right now, but stop shutting me out.” I drag my thumb along his bottom lip. “I’m supposed to be the one you aren’t afraid to come to when you need something.”

A tear falls from the corner of his eye, and I brush it away.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Brendon whispers.

“Do what? Lean on me?” This feels like so much more than just friendship. I want everything with him, but I don’t think he does.

Brendon closes his eyes and sighs. “I’ve never had a real relationship before.”

“What do you mean?” I brush my thumb across his cheek and watch him struggle to find the words. Tell me what you want and it’s yours. I’ll give you everything.

My heart is pounding; can he hear it? It’s deafening in my ears.

Brendon’s shoulders tense and a blush crawls up his chest to his neck. “Can we not do this right now? I’m tired.”

He probably is tired, but I’m not letting him pass out before he talks to me. I can’t do this shit with him anymore. We’re figuring it out right now.

“No, I’m not waiting anymore.” My tone is sure, solid. “I’m done with you avoiding me.” I trace his bottom lip with my finger again. “Do you not want to be together? Is that what’s stressing you out? This isn’t working and you want to break it off but don’t know how?”

His head is shaking no before I’ve even finished the questions.

“No, that’s not it at all.” He tightens his arms around my legs and pulls me against him so his chin is resting on my stomach. “I’m not easy to deal with, P Man. I’m annoying and loud and too much.” His voice cracks, and he looks like he’s in pain as he looks at me.

I tighten my hand in the back of his hair.

“Listen very closely,” I demand with my eyes locked on his. Brendon tenses but waits.

“That’s bullshit.” He tries to shake his head, but I don’t let him. “Whoever made you believe that is wrong. You are exactly the way you are supposed to be. You aren’t annoying or too much. Not to me, not to Jeremy, not to the rest of the guys on our team.”

Another tear trails down his face, and this time, I lean down and kiss him. The soft press of our lips doesn’t hide how his trembles. My poor boy is scared, and I hate that for him.

“I love you,” I whisper against his mouth.

A sob tears from Brendon, and he wraps his arms around my neck, leans back, and pulls me down on top of him. He breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against my cheek while I hold him. How many times have people put an exception on their love? How many people have told him he would be easier to love if he changed something? I hate all of them.

“I love you too.” His words are packed with emotion, both sorrow and joy. My throat tightens too with the happiness of hearing the words I never expected to. For years I’ve been hoping but never thought it would actually happen. I never thought it would be true.

It warms my heart but fills my gut with ice. I can’t be like my father. Do I love Brendon like he loved my mom? Can I risk falling into myself like he did if I lose him?

I shift a little, getting comfortable, and he rolls into me to keep his entire body against mine. He’s so needy for physical comfort, and I will never complain about it. I need to be needed. I need to know I’m enough.

“I don’t want to change who you are. Ever. Be loud, do weird shit, flirt, get excited about things,” I tell him as I rub his back.

“Okay.” His voice is breathy, and I smile.

I press a kiss to his forehead and pull his face into the crook of my neck.

We lay in the quiet for a few minutes, Brendon nuzzling my skin and sniffling every once in a while.

I’m starting to fall asleep, comfortable and warm, when Brendon pops his head up.

“Fuck! I’m the worst!” he almost yells, startling me.

“What?” I sit up, looking around for whatever has him stressed out.

“That was your first time, wasn’t it? Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, right?” The anxiety painted on his face is so fierce it takes me a second to realize what he’s talking about.

“Yeah.” I chuckle. “I’m fine.”

“Why are you laughing?” He sits up, and his face morphs into disgruntled.

“I thought something was seriously wrong.” I reach for his hand, and my chest tightens. I don’t know how much my dad loved my mom, but I know that if I lose Brendon, it will be the end of me.

“I’m a selfish dick, that’s what wrong.”

I smile at him and open my mouth to respond when his stomach growls, making me laugh.

“We should get dinner.” I kiss him quickly and slide off the bed.

“Ugh! Pants are the worst, though!” Brendon whines, but he gets dressed.

I find my clothes and pull them on. Brendon moves behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. His breath on my neck sends shivers down my spine.

“Thank you.” His whispered words are so quiet I almost don’t hear them.

I reach over my shoulder to cup the back of his head and turn my face toward him to press a kiss to his lips.

“I’ve got you.” Always and forever.