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15

Paul

I am definitely concerned about Brendon. He’s shut down, doesn’t ramble the way he normally does, hasn’t been hanging around the dorm. It’s been a few days since he stumbled home smelling like booze and confided in me. He’s never done this before, so I’m at a loss of how to handle it. Do I let him process and give him space, or do I show up and show him that I’m not scared of his emotions? Since he won’t fucking talk to me, I don’t know what he needs right now.

I thought I saw him at one point today, grabbed his arm to stop him from walking away from me, but it was some football player. Damn near got a fist in my face for that.

After class, I know I have a bit before he’s done for the day. When I get to our room, there’s a brown teddy bear in a Darby U hockey jersey sitting on my bed. What the fuck is this?

I put my backpack down and pick up the stuffed animal. A note sits on my blanket under it.

For when you need a cuddle and I’m not around!

-Nikki

Seriously? Ugh. I toss the bear on Brendon’s bed with the note and start deep cleaning to keep my head busy. I don’t know what I was expecting today to be, but being avoided by the boy I’m head over heels for was not it. I was hoping we could get dinner, cuddle, have an orgasm or three—you know, romantic shit. Instead, I’m tearing apart my fucking dorm room to keep my mind from spiraling.

Once I’ve cleaned out my desk and reorganized my closet, I start pulling all the shit out from under my bed. The box that has the toys I bought makes me stop. I kind of forgot about these.

My dick twitches at the idea of this box. Hmm . . .

Putting the box on my bed, I shove everything else back under it and head to the bathroom with the lube and plug. Since I’ve never done this before and don’t know how messy it could get, the shower seems like a good place to play. Sitting on the closed toilet lid, I do a search for anal prep on my phone and am overwhelmed with the number of videos, articles, and pictures.

My brain hurts, and that dude has two forearms in his ass. Jesus.

I put my phone down and decide to just wing it. It can’t be too hard.

I strip off my clothes, turn the water on, and put the supplies inside the shower before stepping in. Excited, nervous energy races along my skin, tickling my stomach and making my dick ache. I do a quick rinse and slick up my fingers. The black silicone plug isn’t too big, but I definitely think I need to work up to it.

I rub my finger around the skin and breathe carefully. It’s a strange sensation, being touched here, but it’s not bad. Once I’m able to relax, I push a finger in and lean against the shower wall. Goose bumps erupt on my skin at the unfamiliar sensations.

Thrusting the finger a few times, going a little deeper each time, I groan. One finger becomes two, and I’m pushing back on them. Fuck, it’s so good. I haven’t touched my dick, but the desire is strong. Pulling my fingers from my body, I feel strangely empty. It’s not something I’m used to, and I can only imagine how much more it’ll be after having sex, but the idea is exciting.

Grabbing the plug, I make sure it’s coated in lube and slide it between my cheeks. I push against my hole to get a feel for it and groan. The anticipation is an erotic dance in my abdomen that I want to chase for the rest of my life. Pushing it in, I hiss at the stretch but whimper when it’s fully seated inside of me. My hands tremble, and my knees try to give out, but I catch myself on the wall.

Holy. Fuck.

Electric tingles zap across my skin until even the water is almost too much. I reach for my cock and my body tenses, squeezing around the toy, and my eyes roll back into my skull. Why hasn’t anyone told me how fucking good this feels?

If Brendon doesn’t fuck me soon, I’ll revolt.

With my hand around my dick and the water streaming down my back, I imagine Brendon behind me. His fingers digging into my hips, my hand in his hair to keep him pressed to me, and my ass slapping against him while he fucks me.

My breathing turns ragged in the steam, and I shiver as arousal pools in my groin. Cum shoots across the tub and shower wall while my ass clenches so fucking hard I cry out in agonizing pleasure.

My orgasm goes on forever, draining all the energy in my body until I’m weak and panting. It takes several minutes for me to be able to stand without leaning on the wall and remove the plug. I get it rinsed off and clean myself again before turning off the water and grabbing a towel. Sleep pulls at my eyelids, and I crash face first onto my bed in nothing but a towel and pass out.

* * *

Someone slaps my bare ass hard, and I jerk up on my hands to glare at Jeremy who has a shit-eating grin on his face.

“What the fuck, dude?” I start to sit up and realize I’m naked. Fuck. The towel I had on apparently came untied. I guess it’s better that he found me ass up instead of the other way.

“Time for practice. Let’s go.”

I grumble and rub my hand over my face.

“I’m coming.” I sit up and cover my lap with the towel, then look around the room but don’t see any evidence of Brendon. “You see Brendon today?”

Jeremy lifts an eyebrow at me and looks at our friend’s bed before answering. “No, I haven’t. Not since the gym this morning. Why?” He moves to the bed and picks up the bear, then reads the note. He shows me the message with a questioning brow.

“He’s got himself a fan,” I grumble with a huff, then answer his question. “I don’t know. He’s been weird.”

“Like weirder than normal?” Jeremy shoves his hands in his pockets and leans against the desk.

“Yeah.” Fuck it, I don’t care if Jeremy sees my ass. He’s seen it before.

I get up and start pulling on clothes.

“He went to a frat party.” I shove my arms through my shirt. “Have you ever heard him mention he wanted to go to one?”

“Uh, no. He’s never said anything to me about it.”

I grab my socks and shoes, then sit on the bed to pull them on.

“How was it? Was he crazy?” Jeremy asks.

“I didn’t go.” I shrug like it doesn’t bother me, but it does. It stings. “He didn’t want me to.”

It’s quiet in the room as that sinks in. When I stand, Jeremy is looking at me like he doesn’t believe the words that just came out of my mouth.

“What? Did you guys get into a fight or something?”

We leave the room and head downstairs, continuing our conversation.

“No.” I don’t want to tell Jeremy the story he told me. I can’t break that trust, but I don’t know who else to talk to. Jeremy is the only one here that knows him.

“Weird.”

The cold air of the rink blasts us as we step through the door and hurry to the locker room to get our gear on. The locker room is loud with the chatter of our teammates. It’s such a familiar sound that I barely notice it anymore. Hockey and locker rooms have been a huge part of my life for so long that I don’t know what life looks like without it.

I love that my grandparents care about hockey. They used to come to all my home games and travel if it was close enough. They have team gear from all the different ones I was a part of over the years. They’re my biggest supporters, and I don’t know where I would be without them believing in me, but I wish Dad gave a shit. I don’t remember if he used to come to games when I was little or not, but I definitely don’t have any memories of him coming. What will it take to make him proud? To get his attention?

When I get to my cubby, Brendon is already pulling on his skates. There’s an awkward vibe around him, but I’m not sure why. Did I do something? Did Nikki do something?

Jeremy walks past him and pats his shoulder. “Hey, man, plans after practice?”

“I’ve got homework,” Brendon mumbles back without looking up, then grabs his stuff and heads out to the ice. What the fuck was that?

“Okay, yeah, he’s being weird.” Jeremy watches him leave with a concerned expression on his face.

Out on the ice, we do some drills, Carmichael telling us how lazy and slow we all are, while Brendon puts on that dumb-ass smile and starts screwing around. All while not looking at me. It’s one of the first practices Carmichael has been back on the ice for. He can’t do scrimmages or any full contact drills, but he can do everything else as long as he’s careful.

“All the pizza and cheeseburgers are really paying off, huh?” Carmichael yells at Brendon.

Brendon opens his arms in a hug and widens his eyes. “Were you not hugged as a child? Do you need a cuddle?” He skates toward Carmichael who is giving him a death glare. “Come on, buddy. Bring it in.”

“Touch me and I’ll use your skull as a urinal.” The rigid set of his shoulders and cold tone of his voice is slightly terrifying, but it makes Brendon smile wider. Is he trying to get his ass kicked?

Everyone has turned to watch the exchange, and Jeremy just sighs. Why does Brendon love messing with Preston so much?

“I’m not kidding, Oiler.” Carmichael stands his ground. “I’ll drop your ass to the ice.”

Brendon doesn’t stop, and Preston moves so fast I barely catch it when he hooks his stick behind Brendon’s knee and pulls. Brendon drops to the ice laughing, and Coach finally blows the whistle for us to clear out.

Jeremy skates over to him and offers Brendon a hand up, which he takes. Brendon drapes an arm over Jeremy’s shoulder for about half a second before Carmichael yanks his boyfriend away. Brendon laughs as the three of them make their way down the hallway with me following behind. When did I become a lost fucking puppy begging for attention?

We get changed, and Brendon continues to avoid me.

Jeremy and Preston are talking quietly for a few minutes before Jeremy bumps my shoulder. “Dinner?”

I glance at Preston with a suspicious look. “Do you have plans?”

Jeremy laughs and wags his eyebrows. “I’ll make it up to him.”

I glance at Brendon for a second, then nod. He said he had homework to do, but since he hasn’t been in the room, I don’t know where he’s going to do that.

I hate that he’s keeping shit from me. I’m his best friend. Why doesn’t he trust me? I guess dating your best friend is a bad idea after all . . .

A while later, Jeremy and I have grabbed food from the dining hall and are sitting in my dorm room watching Doctor Strange . I’m not really hungry, so I’m picking at my food.

“What’s up?” Jeremy nods at my lack of eaten dinner.

I take a deep breath and let the words tumble from my lips that I’ve never said before.

“Brendon and I are kind of together.”

It’s quiet for so long I look up to see Jeremy smiling at me.

“I fucking knew it!” He points a finger at me. “I fucking knew it!”

“Shut up,” I grumble, picking at my food.

“How long? I mean, you guys have basically been a couple for years,” Jeremy scoffs like he wasn’t fucking Brendon for two years.

“It’s new, but he’s been weird, and I don’t know what to do.” I shrug and toss my stuff back in the white paper bag it came in. “He’s never avoided me like this.”

“I’m sure whatever’s going on with him has nothing to do with you.” Jeremy pats my knee. “Did you guys get into a fight?”

“No. I’m not entirely sure what happened. He confided something to me, but I’m struggling to connect the dots.”

I lay back against my pillow and stare at his bed, wishing he was here. Is he hurting again and too embarrassed to show me? Is he mad I saw him break down? Why can’t he let me love him?

Picking up my phone, I text him while Jeremy turns back to the movie on my TV.

P DADDY: Where are you?

He gets the message almost instantly but doesn’t open it. Is he really doing homework? He hates the library, says it’s too quiet and it makes his brain buzz. Where else would he go? Is he avoiding Nikki, or did she find him again and is talking his ear off?