Page 67 of Between Never and Forever

“You’re a large part of Trinity, Keelani. He’s a major shareholder. It’s just business,” he soothed but then dropped it.

I hurried off the phone without agreeing or disagreeing.

Instead, I focused on my schedule. I needed to tell the team I was switching up the last half of everything. I needed to rehearse it, learn it, and be comfortable with it. Yet, by the next rehearsal, I’d done nothing.

People found comfort in routine, and my routine had been going with the flow, letting my management control it all, and operating how they wanted me to.

I stared at all my clothes still in boxes and suitcases in the closet. Unpacking wasn’t something I did well, not after I’d moved away from everything I loved so long ago. Since then, the label had moved me around over and over. They kept me busy on tour. I usually hopped from show to show.

I normally just gave in without feeling a single thing. Self-preservation masked itself in disconnecting and not making a fuss. But without feeling anything, I was disgusted with the idea that I was missing so much of my life. What would happen if I started to make a fuss? What would happen if I started to feel everything freaking thing?

I went to bed unsure of myself and of what to do. My life was changing so fast and I wasn’t sure I could keep up.

The very next morning, I woke up to numerous texts from Olive and even my father mentioned the engagement on the news when I called him. Of course, something new had gone viral with Dex’s post and the whole world was talking about us even more now.

Yet, the resort’s security and Olive blocking my notifications had kept me out of the loop. I sighed and finally searched us online to see.

“Our Sweet Keelani in Love Again.” There were people commenting how happy they were for us, how he would make me better, how I would have such cute kids with him.

All of it felt like a dagger to my heart because it was all something I’d once dreamed of that I’d lost. And what if I was falling in love with him but he wasn’t with me?

He’d posted that picture and as I stared at it, I wasn’t sure why he’d kissed me right before he had. Was it for the post? Was it because he wanted to?

Suddenly, that feeling of disgust for not making a fuss catapulted back into me. I was furious that I didn’t know and that I hadn’t tried to find out. Furious that they’d written I was so in love again, as if they knew who’d I’d been in love with before. It wasn’t Ethan.

It was only Dex. I had been in love, but I’d never acted on it, never done what I wanted to do.

I shoved my blankets off, yanked all my clothes out of the boxes and suitcases, and then stomped over to the dresser.

I’d agreed to getting engaged to Dex because feeling everything was what I wanted. It would either heal or ruin me. I grabbed a small black dress and changed before I opened the drawer.

I took a deep breath. I stared at it for a minute before looking up exactly how to put it in online. I was determined to master this on my own now. I grabbed the small, smooth ball of metal and slowly worked it into me. My body shivered at the sensation, my nipples tightening, my sex pulsing at the feeling.

I straightened and smoothed my dress down. I was handling it. No one else would handle me anymore. I was going to do what I wanted.

I even pulled up Dex’s number and wrote:

Me: We’ve gone viral for looking like we’re in love in your social media post.

Dex: And?

Me: And is that why you kissed me?

I couldn’t believe I wrote that out and pounded the send button. Yet, I needed to know. It was a small step but also a colossal first one in pushing for what I wanted, in changing who I was, in becoming who I wanted to be.

Dex: If that was the case, I would have just posted an actual picture of me kissing you.

Dex: As much as I hate to admit it, that kiss was for me. You taste good in the morning, heartbreaker.

Seeing that text settled my nerves. It made me believe just a bit that I could push myself, that I could get answers, that I could be who I wanted to be even if I’d suppressed that person for so long.

Me: I’m proving myself at rehearsal today. Come see if you want.

He didn’t text back, but I didn’t care. I was following through with furthering my life that day.

It’d only be a few hours of making changes, I told myself. And a few hours of the ball inside me.

After just one, I was sweating.