Page 36 of Benedict’s Rejuvenation (Dark Patriots #5)

“I agree. And you need to tell me what the flashback was about and how I triggered it.”

“It was a memory, Ben. Yes, this situation probably contributed to it, but it might have occurred regardless.”

“I doubt it would’ve. I said that I was similar to Vadzim in a way.

It wasn’t the way I should’ve broached the topic.

Nor should I have done it now. However, it’s out there, and we need to deal with it.

We have a critical mission, so regardless of what is happening between us, that can’t be forgotten.

Will you be able to carry it out without letting your contempt for me show?

If not, we need to go home and regroup. I’ll get the bosses working on an alternative approach.

We can’t rely on your sister doing it with me. She’s ready to punch my face in.”

It wasn’t exactly what I planned to say, but it was what came pouring out of me. And now that it was out there, I had to deal with it. Kensy gave me an astonished look before she answered me.

“Ben, what in the world are you talking about? You make it sound like we’re not even friends, let alone a couple.

Do you want to call this quits? Have my earlier remarks made you realize that you can’t see yourself with a woman who can’t fulfill your every sexual need?

If so, just say that and we’ll deal with the rest.”

“I’m not thinking of any such thing. However, it’s clear from the fact that you don’t want me near you and that you locked yourself away from me that you’re afraid of me. There’s no getting around that.”

It hurt to look at her, so I stood and walked over to stare out at the water.

I was in front of the open window. I fought to stay steady and not let the sting in my eyes turn into tears running down my face.

I heard the movement of the bedsheet, but I remained still.

I held my fists clenched in front of me.

I jerked when her small, warm palm ran up my spine. I shivered, despite my attempt to hold it back. I asked hoarsely, “What’re you doing?”

“I’m trying to get you to look at me. I don’t want to talk to your back, Ben. If you prefer, we can sit outside and talk.”

“I prefer not to have to hear you end us, but I can’t stop that.

I just can’t look at you while you do it.

I want you to know that you’re the only woman I love.

I haven’t told you that because I was waiting for you to fall in love with me.

And this isn’t a ploy to get you to stay with me.

I want you to know that because I won’t ever love anyone but you.

My similarities to him are not of the kind that would have me forcing you to stay with me or to submit to anything you find disgusting.

I hope one day you find a man who will give you everything you want and need. ” I stopped talking.

The next thing I knew, she was standing before me. Her scowl was easy to see. I expected it. What I didn’t expect was for her to hit my chest with both hands, trying to push me backward. When I didn’t shift, she did it again. This time, I gripped her wrists lightly.

“Kensy, what are you trying to do?”

“I’m trying to get you to sit the hell down and talk to me about what’s coming out of your mouth!

You tell me that you love me for the first time, while in the same breath, you say you were waiting for me to fall in love with you, and you hope I find someone I’ll need and want one day!

What the fuck, Ben? Are you trying to piss me off?

Because if you are, you’re doing a bang-up job of it,” she snapped.

“You want us to talk, then we’ll do it, but not like this,” I replied as I guided her to the bed. I pushed her onto it. She scooted up to the headboard. I took a seat facing her.

“Let’s talk about what you said initially about liking kink and that Vadzim had corrupted it. There are things he might’ve done that you enjoy doing, but differently. Explain to me what those are,” she asked.

She was jumping straight into the hard stuff.

I took several moments to compose my thoughts, then I answered.

“You’ve not been comfortable sharing specifics on what he did to you.

I know he whipped you. I can guess at what else he might’ve done.

So here are a few off the top of my head.

Restraining or tying you up. Impact play, which can be anything from spanking with a hand to implements such as floggers or paddles, or more painful things like whips and canes.

Role-playing, where you would submit to me, or, not necessarily one I’ve done, but say I was to be the pro-football player and you were the sexy little cheerleader, and we dressed the parts to live out a fantasy.

If you enjoy the romance books that many women read, we could act out some of those scenes.

Then there are all the toys one can use—nipple clamps, dildoes, plugs, vibrators, and a ton of others.

The list goes on. It’s only limited by our imagination.

“Yes, I’ve done those types of things with women.

The spanking bench or the cross is intriguing to me.

I did a lot of living when I was in the military, when I could.

What I never did, no matter what I was doing, was intentionally harm or hurt the woman I was with.

I didn’t hurt her so badly that it took days or longer to heal.

I never left scars on her body or drew blood.

I have no fascination with humiliating or degrading anyone.

“It’s like I said earlier, he perverted the whole lifestyle and made it an abomination in your mind.

And I don’t blame you a bit for thinking or feeling that way.

It disappoints me that you’ll never experience what it can be.

However, I love you and I’ll never make you do something you hate.

I don’t have to have those things to enjoy sex thoroughly.

And the reason is that I love you. With those others, it was only about the sex.

And I for sure wouldn’t go to someone else seeking it. ”

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Kensy said.

“Sorry for what, Hummingbird? You haven’t done anything to be sorry about.”

“Yes, I have. I overreacted when I should’ve sat and listened to you explain how you felt and given me examples. Then you wouldn’t be here thinking I don’t want you, and I wouldn’t have done all that I did. I owe you an explanation and a backstory.”

“If you want to tell me, I’ll gladly listen, but only if you want to tell me,” I told her.

“I need to tell you, and maybe even want to, as well. I wasn’t a virgin when I was taken, thank God.

That would’ve been beyond horrifying. I had a few boyfriends over the years.

They were alright in the lover department, I guess.

Most were my age or a bit older, so they weren’t the most experienced.

That means that they weren’t guys who ever asked for anything resembling kink.

But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t curious.

I do read, and I’ve read many steamy books.

Some of the practices they discussed in them made me wonder about the acts and whether I’d like to try them.

However, I wasn’t confident enough to ask anyone I was with to try doing anything.

“Fast forward to being taken by Vadzim. It was an ugly, crash course in so many things. I was given no say or choice in the matter. Many times, he did several things in one session. He said he wanted me to submit to him and to be his pet. However, that wasn’t meant to say that he’d stop those painful things he did to me.

Vadzim enjoyed them too much to stop. Sometimes, toward the end, I was able to lessen the intensity or frequency of them. ”

Kensy paused as she reached out and took hold of my hand.

She squeezed it before she continued. “I was forced to endure copulation orally, vaginally, and anally. My comfort didn’t matter.

If I resisted, he would hurt me more until I had no way to resist him.

He used numerous toys on me. Most were modified in some way to make them more painful.

When I didn’t react the way he wanted, such as acting like I enjoyed what he did, he’d fly into a rage.

“With oral sex, it wasn’t as painful. I was usually wet there.

Vaginally, he’d cause me so much pain in other ways that I typically couldn’t get excited enough to get wet for when he finally raped me.

And he wasn’t one for using lube. Anal was a nightmare.

He hurt me so much every single time. It got so bad that to stop him from raping me there, I’d psych myself up with images of someone who would get me wet.

Or if I knew he was coming, I’d masturbate so I’d be wet and it would go better.

But doing those things made me sick to my stomach.

However, I did what I had to do to stay sane and endure.

I was losing faith I’d escape, and I thought there was no way anyone would find me.

If you hadn’t come when you did, I would’ve been dead within the month. ”

I gripped her hand harder. I detested hearing this, but her mention of death scared me. I could’ve missed her by a month.

“Why a month?” I asked.

“Because I was working up the courage to kill myself. They never left me anything I could hurt myself with. I’d just been given bedding and clothing, not long before you came to the rescue.

I guess Vadzim thought he’d beaten me down enough that I wouldn’t hang myself.

He was wrong. That was exactly what I planned to do. ”

I wasn’t able to prevent myself from drawing her to me. When she got there, I wrapped her in my arms and I rocked her as I whispered in her ear.