Page 34 of Benedict’s Rejuvenation (Dark Patriots #5)

Walking out onto the deck, I inhaled deeply, taking in the salty smell of the water.

There was nothing like the smell of the ocean.

The waves were louder out here. I tried to see if there were any whales or other marine life out in the water, but it was too dark to make out.

Giving up, I sat in one of the chairs. Maybe if I could settle my brain, I could return to bed.

Moments later, even though I didn’t hear a whisper, I knew he was behind me. I stared ahead, but I spoke to Ben.

“I’m sorry if I woke you. I’m fine, just can’t sleep. Why don’t you go back to bed, honey? I won’t be out here for long. The waves are already doing the trick to lull me back to sleep.” I made sure to smile as I felt him making his way forward to stand in front of me.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Hummingbird. I don’t need that. Tell me why you’re out here in your robe, staring into the darkness. You can talk to me,” Ben said softly yet with such a note of strength that I noticed a little of my inner tension ease.

He sat down in the chair next to mine. We often sat here, so the chairs were pushed together. Ben placed his arm around my shoulders, and I sighed as I tilted my head sideways to rest on his broad shoulders.

“I had a dream, and it woke me up. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided to come out here to avoid waking you up with my restlessness. A change in environment might make my mind forget it.”

“Tell me about it. I know it had to be about Vadzim. I’ve been expecting you to have one, if not several. I know having an intimate relationship with me has to stir things up for you and make you recall him and then us.”

When he stopped talking, I jumped in immediately.

“Ben, for one thing, there is no comparison between the dreams I have about you versus what I have about him. Secondly, our sexual relationship is nothing like what Vadzim used to do to me. They never could be. To compare them is ridiculous.” I wanted to assure him of that.

“But what if they aren’t as far apart as you think they are?” he asked mysteriously.

“I don’t get what you mean. They’re not alike.”

“I would never take you by force, cause you so much pain you couldn’t function, or leave permanent scars on your body.

I would never want you to fear me or be disgusted by what we do together.

I never want you to hate the man in your bed, me.

However, there are similarities between him and me.

Shit, forget I said anything. We’ll discuss this after we complete this mission.

I shouldn’t be distracting us with this talk. ”

He moved like he was about to let go of me, but I latched onto his hand hanging over my far shoulder and held onto it hard.

“Ben, don’t you dare stop like that and leave. Tell me what the hell you mean by you’re similar to Vadzim? Have you raped a woman, kidnapped her, and held her hostage? Whipped her until she bled?” I asked sharply, even though I knew deep down that Ben had done none of those.

There was enough light in the brightening sky to see his expression. Ben gave me an incredulous look, one tinged with anger.

“Fuck no, I’ve never kidnapped, raped, held hostage, or whipped any woman until she bled. I would never do that. That wasn’t what I meant,” he growled.

“Well, I’m not letting you get away until you explain, so do it,” I informed him sternly.

He stared at me for a few seconds, then sighed. His shoulders slumped.

“I intended to talk to you about this later, after you were fully enamored with me. I didn’t want you to run screaming when you found out.

The best way to explain it is to take the room where you were held—all those toys and equipment he had in there.

Most of them were meant for playing in the BDSM world.

While some might initially be painful or unpleasant to a degree, if done correctly and given time, they can become pleasurable experiences.

Individuals into that lifestyle often use those items in their play. ”

“How?”

“Have you ever experienced any play in the BDSM area before him?”

“No, I hadn’t,” I answered truthfully.

“I never want to think of you with anyone else, Kensy, but it would’ve been easier to illustrate if you had.

You’d be able to know the differences between a regular person partaking of those things versus a monster like Vadzim, who perverted them.

What he did isn’t what true kink or whatever one calls it is about.

When it’s done the intended way, it’s ultimately about the result of fulfilling each other.

The methods used, even punishments, are agreed upon by both parties involved. One isn’t forced to endure shit.”

“So there would be no whipping your partner until you draw blood and leave them scarred like he did me,” I pointed out.

Ben shook his head. “No, that’s not necessarily true.

If the partner receiving the whipping was a masochist and enjoyed the pain aspect and even craved to have permanent marks left on them, then it could happen.

However, it would be something they had discussed and agreed to in advance.

And it has to work for the giver to receive something from it.

He might be a sadist or just gain enjoyment from satisfying his partner’s desires. ”

I let what he said sink in for a few moments before I was brave enough to ask my question. “Are you someone who likes to play and do those things he did?” I hadn’t gotten any indication he did, but our sexual relationship was new. What would I do if he said yes?

“I won’t lie. I have done several things that are considered part of the fetish or kink lifestyle. And I’ve gotten enjoyment from them, but only because the partner I was with got off on them. If they hadn’t, then it wouldn’t gratify me.”

I let go of his hands and sat up, which put some distance between us. Ben was closely watching me. I turned myself so I saw his face.

“Have you whipped, tied up, gagged, or used objects on those partners? You said you didn’t leave lasting pain, but your answer could indicate you did cause it.

What are your sexual desires, Ben? Clearly, I’m not satisfying them, since you haven’t tried them on me.

So, the sex we’ve had that I find heavenly, you’ve been lying that it is what really gets you off. ”

I was upset at the thought that he lied to me about how much he liked what we did in bed.

I felt stupid and like an inexperienced idiot.

I knew he had more experience than I, and it caused me concern if I’d be able to meet his needs, but I’d forgotten that with how he praised the pleasure I supposedly gave him.

Knowing he might have been faking it made me sick.

I shot to my feet. “Don’t answer that. I get it. Excuse me,” I muttered before I rushed back into the bedroom.

Not wanting to lie down and feeling shaken and confused, I rushed to the bathroom. I shut and locked the door. Ben was calling my name and asking me to stop. I ended up huddled on the edge of the tub.

“Kensy, open the door and talk to me. I never said you don’t please me in bed.

You do. That’s not a lie. Yes, I have had different experiences that I enjoyed.

They do reside in the BDSM realm. Would I like to experience them with you?

Yes, if things were different. However, I know they’re not.

I’m not asking you to do them. Shit, I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut. ” He muttered the last part.

“No, you should’ve spoken up before I had sex with you.

You say you don’t need it, but what about in six months, assuming we’re still together?

Or a year? You can’t say you won’t grow to want or need them.

And if it’s not me that you get those from, then do you dump me or seek it elsewhere? ” I choked out.

“No! I fucking won’t dump you or seek it from someone else. Let me in. Since we started this, let’s talk about it in comfort. Not where I can’t see or touch you,” he demanded.

“But if you touch me, you can fog my mind and make me forget. We both know that. You admitted you didn’t want to tell me anyway, or not before I was head over heels in love with you. Was that so you could drop this on me and I’d be forced to agree?”

“God, no, never that. Christ, Kensy, please, come out,” he pleaded.

“I need to be alone. I need to think. Just let me do that. You’ve hit me with a lot to absorb. Please, leave me alone,” I begged.

Ben was silent for several seconds, then he answered. “I think that’s the wrong approach, but I’ll give you time. But I’m not letting you languish in there all day. We have to discuss it. Get your head straight and your questions in order. If you want, I’ll get your sister.”

“No! I don’t want Keeley in the middle of this.”

He didn’t say more, but I wasn’t convinced he’d left the bedroom.

As I sat there trying to sort through the emotions and thoughts his revelation caused, I kept going back to two things.

He hadn’t been upfront with me, so I doubted his sincerity about our previous encounters.

And secondly, I was afraid. What if he desired things closer to what Vadzim did to me?

No matter how much I loved Ben, I couldn’t live that way.

I sat there rocking myself with my arms around me.

I was arguing with myself that it was ridiculous to think Ben would want what Vadzim did.

The way he cared for me felt genuine. Was it?

He was used to lying as part of his work.

Was this a lie, too? I closed my eyes, and the scenes from my time with Vadzim began flashing through my mind.

I tried opening my eyes to stop them, but I still saw them like a movie.

They grew bigger and faster. Before I knew it, I was fully in the middle of one, and there was no way out.

I was chained to that damn cross that Vadzim loved so much.

I’d read about this kind of kink, and I’d found it rather intriguing if I were honest. I wondered what it would be like to have yourself at someone’s mercy and trusting them to spank you enough to give you pleasure, not actual lasting pain.

I no longer found any of this intriguing.

It was all meant to hurt, humiliate, and punish me.

“ My sweet pet, KenKen, you know that I have to discipline you for not doing as I said. I told you last time I was here that you were not to attempt to leave, and when I returned, I expected you to meet me in that outfit I left for you and greet me with a passionate kiss. You did none of those. Slava told me of your attempt to escape. And you came to me with a sheet wrapped around your delicious body and offered me no taste of your lips. Remember, you brought this on yourself. You made me do this,” Vadzim snapped mere moments before I heard the terrifying sound of the whip in the air.

I fought not to tense, because it made the pain worse, but I still did it. It was automatic. When the whip hit my back, it was like fire cutting into me. I screamed. And although I knew it did no good, I begged.

“Please, please don’t. I can’t stand this. Not again. Stop. I’ll do what you said,” I sobbed.

“No, you won’t. You promise, but never do.

When will you realize that I’m the only one who truly wants and loves you?

We can be so happy together. You could be living at my side, dressed in couture and dripping in jewels.

We could be out, and I could show you off.

You can be my perfect pet, KenKen. All you have to do is submit and learn.

Give me what I desire. Stop making me punish you so much.

Give yourself to me. When I’m inside of you, I want to feel your desire and love for me.

I love you, my pet. We’re meant to be together forever. ”

As he gave his speech, he interspersed it with more lashes.

I kept screaming even though I knew he didn’t care.

In the distance, there was a voice, but I ignored it.

It was Nikita or Slava, probably laughing over what was happening to me.

Nikita, in particular, loved to see me hurt.

Even a loud crashing sound didn’t matter.

What did matter was resisting Vadzim. I would die before I allowed myself to become what this animal wanted.

Suddenly, fingers were grasping my arms, and I wasn’t strapped to the cross anymore.

I lashed out with my feet as I screamed at Vadzim. His ugly face was right in front of me.

“I fucking detest you, and I’ll never submit or be yours! You disgust me. I’ll never be yours or love you!” I screamed, uncaring if he killed me this time.

I knew this would set off his temper more than anything else I’d done.

I welcomed being free. The only way it seemed I could accomplish it was through death.

I smiled at him, daring him to do his worst. Then, everything began to fade, and the scene before me, along with all noise, slipped into darkness and peace.

Ah, he’d done it. I was dead. So peaceful.

I’m sorry I didn’t make it home, Keeley. Forgive me.