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I stared at the mangrove tree. The twisted, confused, chaotic thing felt like a symbol of my life. And my heart. I had gone into that garden seeking freedom, to get God's help in moving past this thing with Astaroth. Instead, Anu gave me clarity. The harsh truth. And determination.

I had committed myself to a fresh path—had literally made a vow to God. I would have Star. And one day, I would give him the children he so desperately wanted. Lives that were meant to be lived. The only question was—how honest would I be with my husbands?

Keeping secrets from the men I loved never worked out well for me. I couldn't do it. The decision I made would affect them. It wasn't fair that I got to make it without them, but what's done is done. And Star. What would he think when I told him I could have freed him but didn't? Did he want me enough to be pleased? Or would he resent me?

Anu had left the nudge in place. The compulsion, as he'd called it. I could simply walk back into the house and say that he refused to release us. I could blame God, as so many people did. Hey, I was part human. I had a right to blame God for the crap that happened to me. And I was sure that Anu wouldn't resent me for it. He had practically told me to do it. It felt so dishonorable. But the children . . .

My children. With Star. I had to protect them. Starting with ensuring that they were born. And if I had to deceive their father and my husbands to do that, I would.

People say that when you become a mother, you gain a love unlike any other. I always thought that my husbands would come first. And they do in a way. I would kill for my husbands. I would decimate worlds. I would go evil for them. How can anything surpass that?

It didn't at first. It wasn't like what people say. Not for me. I didn't immediately love my children more than my husbands. It sort of crept up on me. With every trusting stare, every smile, every touch of a little hand. It built until one day I realized I would sacrifice my husbands to save my children. It's harsh to put love into categories and rate it. Normally, I wouldn't. But standing there, staring at that exotic house in an exotic land, I had to decide who was more important. And I had to judge the levels of my decision. It was as far from black and white as it could get. An entirely different color scheme.

So, I got really honest and dissected things. This didn't mean death for my husbands. If it had been a choice of letting them die or my children never being born, I would, of course, have chosen my husbands. I didn't know those children. I hadn't grown into loving them as I had the ones who already lived. But I didn't have to make that decision. It was either I betray the men I loved or let my unborn children fade into nonexistence. Was that the same as dying? I don't think so. But it was close enough.

“For you, little ones. I'll do this for you.” Then I went inside to lie to the men I loved.