Page 33 of Badd Ass
“If I get any other unsolicited dick picks, though, I’ll totally send them to you so we can laugh together.”
“You better. Laughing at unsolicited dick pics is one of life’s greatest pleasures.”
“I know, right? Like, what are they thinking when they send those? Do they honestly think we sit around looking longingly at pictures of average-guy penis?”
“I never can quite fathom their thought processes. Like, objectively speaking, penises are kind of…weird, and not something I like to just sit around staring at. Like, show me a sexy set of abs or a nice chest, and I’ll be impressed. Your dick? Not as much. Even if it’s above average, if I’m not interested in you, I’m not gonna want a photograph of your penis. I’m just not. Hell, until I sawthat, I honestly never thought there’d ever be a situation in which I’d willinglywanta dick pic. But that shit right there, that convinced me.”
“Exactly how I’ve always felt. I mean, it’s not like we’d ever go, ‘Hmmm, I wonder how I can get this random guy on Tinder to like me? Ooh, I know, I’ll take a close up of my va-jay-jay. That’ll turn him on!’”
Claire bobbed her head to one side. “I dunno, I think most guys would actually respond to that pretty well. Vaginas are more inherently and objectively sexy than penises are.”
“True. But guys aren’t hard to turn on. Show ‘em some titties, and…boing, they’ve got a chubby.”
Claire reached across the table to poke one of my boobs. “Especially those puppies. Show a guy those, and he’s yours, right, Boobs McGee?”
“Shut up. Future lower back problems is a real thing. And do you have any idea how many times I’ve been asked if they’re real?”
Now Claire threw a sugar packet at me. “Oh, cry me a river. You know how many guys ask me if I’ve ever thought about getting implants? That’s got to be just as insulting, if not more so. Like, no, jackass, not all of us are interested in having giant water balloons attached to our chests for you ogle. Some of us are content to helm the good ship Itty Bitty Titty. I own one bra, and I only wear it when I don’t want my nippies showing. I don’t have to wear a bra when I workout, because I’ve got nothing to bounce around, and I’ve never had to deal with the horror of an underwire poking me in the tits.”
“True, but you also don’t know the sheer, unadulterated pleasure of taking off your bra at the end of a long day, or how nice it is just sit watching TV with your hands under your boobs. Or how convenient it is to put something in your bra when you don’t have pockets.”
“Plus, you could have a face like a bag of moldy potatoes and the personality of Cruella De Vil and you could still get any guy on the planet to sleep with you at least once just based on the perfection of your boobs.” She cupped her breasts over her shirt and jiggled them. “These pathetic little A-cups? Good luck finding a guy who’s a hot, sexy alpha male who doesn’t mind a complete lack of breasticles.”
“Youhavethem, they’re just small.”
“Even with the most bombshell push up bra Victoria’s Secret has ever made, I still only look like a small B.”
“So?”
“So…I’ve mostly come to terms with it, I guess. I’d never get surgery because overall I love myself and I love my body, but there are still times, even now, at twenty-six, that I sometimes wish I was more well-endowed.”
“What about this guy?” I asked. “What’s he think about them?”
She sighed, staring out the window. “He worships them like they’re the most amazing things he’s ever laid eyes or lips on. That’s part of why I’m so enamored with him, because he doesn’t give off a vibe like he’s being disingenuous about it. It seems like he honestly feels that way. He says they may be small, but they’re a perfect handful each, and perfectly shaped. I’m still not entirely sure I believe him, but it’s nice to hear, and it’s a good part of the reason he got so much sex out of me last night. I just can’t resist well-crafted flattery, and goddamn, the guy is seriously silver-tongued.”
“And you won’t even tell me his name?”
She shook her head. “Nope.”
“Not fair.” I held up my phone. “Yousaw Zane’s dickandwatched him jerk off, but I don’t even get your guy’sname?”
She leaned forward. “I’ll tell you all about him. I’ll even let you meet him, I promise. Just…give me some time to keep this to myself, first, okay? It’s new, and it’s weird, and it’s scary.”
“Youreallylike him, don’t you?”
“I really do.”
“And this is from spending one night with him?”
“Sometimes you don’t need a lot of time with a person to know there’s a connection.” She lifted a black restaurant check folder. “Also, I totally paid the bill while you were going pee. Now let’s get out of here. You should show me the overlook where you gave Zane the world’s best blow job.”
“Only if you promise to let me pay the next time,” I said, trying to ignore the deeper elements of what she’d said.
“Nope.” She stood up and sauntered out, forcing me to follow her. “By the way, did I mention that the company I work for is looking for an H-R manager? I already put in a word for you. You can move to Seattle and we’ll be the Gruesome Twosome again.”
“Really?”
She nodded, taking out her phone, pulling up an email thread, and showing it to me; it was a conversation between her and the HR department head, wherein Claire talked me up and the department head sounded interested. It seemed I had a job waiting for me as long as I didn’t totally fuck up the interview. It would be a promotion of several degrees, meant more money, and a chance to be near Claire again.