Page 29 of Badd Ass
“Oh, no, someone else—this local guy I met.”
“So wait, that was all with the same guy, in one night?”
She shrugged, pretending to be demure. “He had aLOTof stamina.”
“Well, obviously, if he can go that many times in a single night. Jesus. Can you walk okay?”
“Well…” she said, wincing, “Iamfeeling a bit bowlegged, since he was…um…insanelywell-endowed. But, all in all, I discovered that my vagina can stretch more than I’d ever thought possible, given proper lubrication and lots of, what I’ve decided to call, pre-game orgasms.”
I guffawed at that, almost snorting piping hot coffee out my nose. “Pre-game orgasms. Are you going to see him again?”
She lifted a delicate shoulder. “Eh? Maybe.” She wasn’t looking at me when she said this, looking rather preoccupied with stirring her coffee…which was odd since she hadn’t put cream or sugar in her coffee.
“Claire…”
“Amarantha?”
I knew she was serious when she used my full name. “You’re going to see him again, aren’t you?”
“Yesnowshutup,” she mumbled under breath. “How about Zane, that smug, sexy motherfucker from the bar? You gonna see him again?”
“I saw him last night,” I said.
“Well, no shit Sherlock, we both saw him last night.”
“No, I mean I saw him again later. When you took that rando into the bathroom, I left with Zane.”
The waitress arrived with our food then, and we paused the conversation to dig in. After a few bites, Claire stabbed the air in my direction with her fork. “Good girl, I was hoping you would.” She took another bite. “So? Spill.”
“Wait, I just thought of something. The guy from the bar bathroom and the local guy, they’re different?”
“Yeah, that guy from the bathroom got all excited super quick and I could tell he wasn’t gonna go the distance, so I gave him a handy and then bounced. I met the other local guy at a different bar later on, not long after you texted me.”
“But you’re going to see the local guy again?”
“YES, I’M GOING TO SEE THE LOCAL GUY AGAIN,” Claire bellowed. “Now, will you let it go? You’re gonna jinx it.”
“Jinx what?” I was honestly confused, seeing Claire get this worked up.
“Me...this guy...thething. There’s a thing going on with us, and I don’t want to jinx it, so can we please not talk about him anymore?”
“You have athingwith this guy?” I asked. “I’m sorry, I’m just confused.”
She sighed, spearing a breakfast potato with her fork and waving it around, gesticulating. “I don’t know, Mare. I really don’t. It’s a thing. What is the thing? Fuck if I know, and neither does he. But it’s a thing, and we’re gonna go very slowly and cautiously and try out this...thing.”
“Like a rela—”
“SHUSH!” She snapped. “Do NOT say that word. No more talking about it. One more word and I’ll shove these potatoes down your throat.”
An effective threat, since I hated potatoes. “Fine, but when you can speak coherently about it, I expect details.”
“Agreed.” She crossed her wrists and stuck out her pinky fingers; I crossed my wrists and hooked my pinkies into hers, and we shook. Stupid and childish, but a promise-making tradition we’d had since boot camp. “Now. Zane, he of the epic penis. I need all the gory details.”
I sighed. “He took me to a scenic overlook and I gave him the most epic blow job of the century…” dramatic pause, “…and maybe possibly kind of decided to practice date while I’m in Ketchikan for the week.”
Claire clapped her hands over her heart, tilted her head to one side, and made anawwwwface. “My little girl is all grown up, now.”
“Oh, shut up.” I threw a sugar packet at her. “I wouldn’t go that far. But I’m giving it a try.”