Page 13 of Badd Ass
“I’m not gonna tell you what to do with your life. You’re my best friend and you always will be, so I feel an obligation to bust out some truth bombs when I feel like you need ’em.” She leaned forward again, giving me the Serious Claire look. “What I will say, though, just as an FYI, is that I’ve never seen you look at a guy like you’ve been staring at Zane. You were gushing about him, Mara. That’s not usual for you. Remember when you finally got that sexy hipster barista from the coffee shop near the apartment to sleep with you? You said it was the hottest sex you’d ever had and, even then, you had no issue ditching him like last year’s purse. You told me all about it, like every detail, but you weren’tgushing. You were just sharing a nice experience. This guy? Zane? You were gushing about him, and yet you’ve told me almost nothing about him except that he’s gorgeous and has a big dick, and honey, just from the one quick look I got at him, I could have told you that. The bulge in his jeans is so goddamn big it’s silly. But then, a big dick by itself isn’t that exceptional, right? Remember that plumber you slept with last winter?”
I nodded, making anoh shitface. “That was honestly the biggest penis I’ve ever seen in my life. I seriously don’t know how he fit the whole thing in his pants. It was almost too much cock, actually. Like, it took an hour to go from the top of it to the bottom. It was like having the Eiffel Tower in my no-no bits.”
“That’s my point exactly. If it were just about dick size, you’d have brought Long John Plumber back for a second ride on his Washington Monument. But you didn’t. And he was good looking, too, wasn’t he? Like, in the face?”
I shrugged. “He was hot, yeah. His name was Eric, and he was actually a really cool guy.”
“But you never saw him again, never spoke to him again, and certainly never slept with him again.” She tapped the table. “So if it’s not just about hot sex, and not just about a big dick, then there’s something else about Zane you’re attracted to.”
I stole a glance at Zane, who had his phone out and was scrolling through a feed of some kind. “I hate you,” I said to Claire.
She threw up fake gang signs, lips pursed, head nodding. “That’s right! What now, bitch? Li’l Claire for the win, dropping the truthbombs like a boss.”
I facepalmed my forehead, groaning. “You are such a dork, Claire. I swear to god.”
“Um, hello, computer nerd? It’d be a betrayal to my kind if I wasn’t an embarrassing dork.”
“Well if that’s the case, then you’re making a huge contribution to the reputation of your people.”
She leaned over the table to hug me. “For real, Mara. I love you, and I really hope you’ll do yourself a favor: give this guy a chance. You might surprise yourself.” She stood up, finishing her wine. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I see a hottie making it for the bathrooms, and I’m feeling just tipsy enough that a bathroom quickie sounds like fun.”
“Um, what?” I asked, but Claire was already gone.
I watched her beeline for the bathrooms, where a good-looking redheaded guy was about to enter the men’s room. Claire made it to him before he went in, lifted up to mutter something in his ear. His eyes widened, and he said something that looked a lot likefor real?—Claire nodded, her hand cupping between his legs and rubbing. The guy glanced around, and then pulled Claire into the men’s room behind him.
Gah. The girl was a serious live wire. Even I didn’t hook up with guys in the bathroom of a bar. But then, Claire always did things her own weird way.
I sighed, shaking my head at my friend’s antics, and got up. Zane was still holding court in the corner, still sipping what looked like the same glass of whiskey. He straightened as I approached.
“Is your friend actually going to fuck that guy in the bathroom?” he asked when I was close enough.
I nodded. “Looks like it.” I eyed him. “No. Don’t even think about it.”
Zane laughed. “Honey, a public bathroom wouldn’t survive the things I want to do to you.”
My face heated and I felt my knees go a little weak. “Oh really?”
He leaned closer to me, putting a hand on my hip. “We were both a little drunk last night,” he whispered in my ear. “It was sloppy. I was overeager and off my game.”
I swallowed some wine along with a gulp of anticipation. “That was youoffyour game?”
“I can do better, I swear. You won’t regret it.” He said this somewhat tongue in cheek, knowing as well as I did that the sex last night had been off the charts hot.
I pivoted away, hardening my gaze and my voice. “What about that hot bartender? She looked like she was ready to blow you right there on the bar.”
“Meh. She’s alright…she’s got a lot of silicone, though. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m partial to a more natural look.” He brushed a thumb almost accidentally across the front of one of my breasts. “Like these, for instance.”
I glanced down at his thumb, and my own tits. “Yeah, no silicone there.”
“I’m well aware. I became…very well acquainted with these lovelies last night.” There was that smile again, the slow, lazy, horny, hungry one. “I gave them my tried and true jiggle test.”
“You did, huh?” I breathed, remembering exactly what he was talking about. “What test would that be?”
He saw my ruse for what it was, and played along. “Don’t you remember?” He leaned close so he could whisper in my ear again. “I put your legs on my shoulder and fucked you so hard your tits bounced all over the place. Silicone doesn’t bounce the way your tits did. That was one hundred percent all natural jiggle.”
“Oh,” I said, and gulped more wine. “Thattest.”
He bit my earlobe, his hand on my waist tugging me close enough that I could feel his hard-on bulging in his jeans. “You know what I’d really like to do, though?”