Page 90 of Back in the Saddle

In that moment, it took Caroline every ounce of strength she had not to tear up. It would be unprofessional, and it wouldn’t help Yolanda.

She balled her hands into fists and took a steadying breath, before speaking. ‘It’ll be like this for a while. Nothing will make much sense and you’re going to miss your mum every day. At first, it’ll be a constant ache in the pit of your stomach. The kind of pain that will make you think you’re going to fall apart.’ She reached for the girl’s hand. ‘But you won’t because you’re strong. Your mother loved you very much. Don’t ever forget that.’

‘I know she did,’ Yolanda whispered, fresh tears slowly rolling down. ‘I loved her too. I’ll never stop loving her.’

A small piece broke off Caroline’s heart, the pain visceral.

‘It just feels like I’ll never laugh again. Like there’ll be no more joy.’ Yolanda sniffed. ‘It sounds stupid, but it feels that way.’

‘Eventually, you’ll start enjoying life again. Little things at first, like the taste of food or smiling during a funny moment in a movie. Then, the guilt will come. You’ll feel bad for laughing and living while your mother isn’t there to share these moments. In the end though, the pain will ease up and you’ll be able to breathe again. However, it’ll never fully disappear.’

Yolanda looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. ‘How old were you when your mother died?’

Caroline blinked and when she opened her eyes, she felt like she was nineteen again, clutching her mother’s limp hand, her father’s arms dragging her from the side of the hospice bed, repeating in a voice so raw and unlike anything she had ever heard:‘She’s gone, honey. She’s at peace now.’

Her bottom lip quivered. ‘Nineteen. I was your age when she got diagnosed.’

Yolanda sniffed again.

‘I’m sorry you had to join that awful club of motherless women,’ Caroline said.

‘Me too.’ Yolanda reached for Caroline’s hand. ‘Thank you. For talking to me. Not just today, but over the last few weeks. It … helped.’

Caroline squeezed her hand warmly. ‘Is your dad coming?’

Yolanda had told her before her parents were divorced. Her father lived in Las Vegas with his second wife.

‘He is. He said he’s going to stay here with me until the end of the academic year, so I can finish high school.’

‘That’s nice of him.’

Yolanda let out a half-laugh, half-snort, all puffy eyes and unspeakable heartache. ‘Yeah. It was a surprisingly decent offer.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘I guess he isn’t the worst, after all.’

Just as she said it, her phone vibrated in her pocket. She took it out, glancing at the screen. ‘That’s him. I probably should take this.’

They stood and Caroline gave Yolanda a sad smile. ‘Again, I’m so sorry. Take care, OK?’

The girl nodded. ‘I will. Who knows, maybe I’ll even become a doctor. And save someone’s life, like my mom’s.’

Caroline’s chest squeezed tightly. This was the reason she had applied to medical school. She wanted to help people. She wanted to keep up to date with all the latest research, see the day when a patient who would’ve died fifty years earlier not only lived, but thrived. She wanted to do her best for patients – the ones she could help, and the ones who she couldn’t.

It was a naive notion of a young girl.

And it was breathtakingly beautiful in its purity.

Tears clouded her vision, and she was glad that Yolanda had already walked outside.

I can’t give this up. I don’t want to throw it away.

She swallowed a silent sob.

The sharp clutches of reheated grief let go of her throat when she spotted Hunter.

He stopped right in front of her, his smile warm, and her freeze-dried heart thawed.

‘Hi,’ he said.

Caroline threw her arms around his waist, pulling him in for a hug. ‘Hi,’ she whispered into his leather jacket.She breathed in his familiar scent, and her heart rate normalised.