Page 19 of Back in the Saddle

An awkward pause filled her speaker. She could almost see Finn pinching the bridge of his nose, his telltale sign of being uncomfortable. He would probably press his thumbs to his temples next, wishing the unease to wash away from his mind.

If only it was that simple. If only they could have saved each other all that heartache.

She had Googled ‘when do you know if it’s time for a divorce’ several times over the past four years. Each article or response to posts on online forums suggested that thinking about your life after divorce is one of the signs it might be the time. But all the internet experts agreed on one thing: you knew the relationship was doomed when you didn’t care enough to fight anymore.

Caroline would never forget their last fight. Pretty much a year ago, to the day.

The beginning of their end.

‘How are you? How’s the work? Are Anna and Gian well?’

A litany of unimportant yet polite questions.

Caroline smiled sadly to her pale reflection in the window, squinting at the orange and red splashed over the evening sky.‘I’m well. The work’s good.’ She paused, biting the inside of her cheek. ‘Anna and Gian are great. Gian’s bakery is doing well, Anna’s work is good too.’

‘That’s great.’

‘Yeah.’

Another pause, a longer one this time.

Caroline inhaled like she’d emerged from being underwater for a long time. Her heart hadn’t shattered all at once. Sometimes she wished it was something clearcut that had ended things, like Finn having an affair or her falling out of love with him. Maybe if she had walked in on him with someone, she could’ve hated him. It would’ve been an open and shut case. Infidelity. A sharp but quick heartbreak. Instead, she’d got the gradual fading of hope and everything she thought she knew – about herself, about Finn. About them as a couple.

One day, she was the happiest person in the room, raising a champagne glass in their honeymoon suite to the start of their lives together. Soon, they were oceans apart.

Hot tears of helplessness pooled in the corner of her eyes. ‘I’m sorry I called. This wasn’t a good idea. I don’t even know why I called.’

Liar.

‘No, wait. Don’t hang up, please.’

She swallowed, her breath fogging the window.

It was so lively down there, people going about their business, often accompanied by an exciting whoop of conversation and laughter that echoed up to the flat. Anna told her that Bricktown was the city’s original warehouse and distribution centre that had been turned into an entertainment district. The excitement and colours of various restaurants and cafés mingled with shopfronts. A large billboard advertising an Indian casino extended a gaudy invitation.

‘I never wanted to hurt you, Car.’

‘Finn, please. We’ve been over this. We hurt each other.’

His breath rumbled through her speaker. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine him standing right next to her. ‘I know. I’m still so sorry. I should’ve told you before we got married.’

Thick saliva clogged up her throat. All the ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’ had haunted her dreams for too long. She didn’t want to do it anymore. She had drawn a line in their last marriage counselling session, the one at the end of which Finn had asked her for a divorce.

I think it’s for the best. We want different things. I can’t give you what you want. And I don’t want to give up on what I want. It’s not fair on either of us.

Not a single tear had trailed down her face. By that point, she was all cried out.

‘I don’t want to go back to all that. It’s over, that chapter’s closed,’ she said, surprising herself with the firmness to her voice.

Finn sighed. ‘I know. S—’

‘No more apologies, OK? I feel like we’ve apologised enough for a lifetime, and then some.’

‘Roger that.’ He laughed and the sound brought a small smile to her face. ‘Why are you really calling?’

Caroline turned away from the window, leaning against the violet wall. She dragged her teeth over her bottom lip, buying herself time to think, though she had mulled over this for long enough. In the end, she decided that the kindest – and easiest – thing would be to rip off the bandage.

‘I met someone.’