Page 33 of Ava Stargazer (Planet Xai #2)

“Too far, Vox,” Rhutg said, his expression blank, his mental touch gentle. Rhutg was never gentle. That was how Vox knew it was serious. “Too far.”

“Yes. But we got what we needed. And look.” Vox fisted his trembling hands at his side. He motioned with his head over to Ava, then winced at how the movement hurt. Her resolve was evident as she dug into the files for the first time.

Celestial had already taken off, leaving Cipra behind. Even with the Yar now gone, the mood was somber, everyone dispersing to areas to be alone to process events. The gloom from the planet seemed to infect the ship. No one wanted to spend any additional time in that soulless place.

Right now, though, the other Humans and political games were an abstract problem above him. Others, like the Spry and Iryl, would have more insight. Vox’s focus was smaller now that the facility was destroyed. All he really cared about was Ava. And if coming here had really helped her, or if it had hurt her further. And if the data he’d found could lead to them finding more of the Humans for his people to mate with.

And yet, as he felt his limbs tremble, a part of Vox wondered how many times he could push himself this far and still expect recovery. These abilities they had learned to wield to defend themselves were new, and therefore the limits—and the effects—were unknown.

The room felt hot as he squirmed in his chair. “I need to let go of these minds.” Instead, he watched Ava. “Look at Ava, she’s so focused,” he said again to Rhutg, glancing at Ava, who looked at the data pad in earnest, finally looking at the logs from Ebel that she had avoided in the past, her face screwed up in concentration.

Rhutg turned toward her, and then back to him, frown on his face. “Vox . . .”

Vox lifted his wrist, displaying his com, which still held the memory files from Cipra. “And we have more information now as well.” He was worried about her after she had turned and wanted to leave right away once finding what she was looking for on Cipra. But he wasn’t sure he needed to worry.

Ava’s entire demeanor had changed the moment she got back on board, and her anxiety was replaced by an intense focus. It was like something was unlocked within her. She didn’t even look back at the little planet, the facility now ablaze, as they left. In her mind, she was already moving on.

Rhutg looked at him in concern. “There were other ways, instead of taking it all on yourself. You could have called to me for help. I want to help Ava as much as anyone else. But...”

“There was the potential they were going to alert others. I did not want to risk our safety. I will be fine with some rest.”

Rhutg huffed, exasperated. “You are no help to her if you break yourself.”

“It does not feel as severe as all of that.”

“You are not invincible, Vox. I feel fractures. And scars from before. Your mind is no longer as elastic. I have the same after Torga, but now you have done too much now without letting that heal.”

“Yes. Yes,” Vox agreed, shifting his body, dismissing his concerns. But he knew he would push again. If he had to.

“Rest now, you idiot.” Rhutg turned from Vox to speak to Ava. “I mean it.”

“ Rhutg, don’t ... I am fine. Do not concern her.”

He ignored him. “Ava. Vox needs to rest and purge the minds now. He is stubborn and will not do so while you are awake.”

Ava looked over and saw his hands trembling. Concern coated her features as she dropped the data pad immediately. “Vox?”

“I am fine, Ava.” Her worrying over him was touching, but ultimately went against his biology. It bothered him to see her want to approach and hover over him. But he was too tired at the moment to resist.

Ava hastily scooted the chair back and moved to his side. “You’re trembling. This is like how it was after Torga. I remember. Why did you not say anything? Come, let’s go.”

****

Ava’s hands shook as much as Vox’s as they walked down to their room in the engine hall. This pushed him too far. She wrung her hands together, not knowing if she should help him walk, as he was starting to shake more the farther away they got from Cipra, despite him trying to hide it. “What can I do? How can I help?”

Vox brushed her hands aside when she reached out. “It is fine. I am fine. We’re just leaving the husks behind now, so that is why I shake. The connection to the body is gone.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes.”

“Are you lying to me?” Ava’s eyes narrowed as she watched him walk unsteadily down the hall. He’s not fine.

Vox sighed, turning his head. “I think I’m fine.”

“You’re hoping you’re fine.”

Vox looked away as a tremor went through him. He didn’t respond.

Anxiety bloomed in Ava’s gut as she gently touched his trembling arm. “Oh, Vox.”

Vox’s tone was gruff in return. “I’m fine. I need to rest, nothing more.”

Ava took in his tired eyes, the shaking now taking over his legs in addition to his hands. She didn’t push him any further. Now was not the time to talk. “Did you let the minds go?”

Vox looked down at his hands and sighed. “I am letting them go now, yes.”

They walked into the engine room, and Vox sat heavily on their bed in the alcove the moment they got in. The last few steps looked difficult for him to make. Ava sat behind him and pulled him to lean him back on her. He resisted, and she pulled harder, tugging on his firm shoulder. He didn’t yield in her grip. “Please? It makes me feel better to be able to care for you.”

At that, Vox finally stopped resisting, laying his head in her lap heavily with a sigh. There we go. She ran her hands over his frills, a bit frantic as the shaking continued, before Vox took his hands and moved hers away from his face to try to hold one. He let go a second later when another tremor hit, rolling onto his side with a grimace, his face still in her lap.

Ava leaned over and picked up her patchwork blanket, dragging its vibrant colors over the bed. She covered him up with it while she ran her hands along his head again, more soothingly this time. He’s not fine. She wracked her brain for what she could do to help calm him. “Do you want a story? To take your mind off it?”

Vox just shook, wracking his entire body, vibrating her lap underneath his head. “Whatever you want, Ava.”

So, Ava told him stories. Fun ones. Ones that she read in fairy tale books Ebel had gotten her over the years, and video feeds she had watched when she was younger. The stories were from back when Ava started to believe in magic a little, once she was here on the Phor ship and safe.

She couldn’t remember a few of them, so she made things up in spots, and changed them, making them all happy endings, switching scenes if they were sad. They were stories of sly creatures that hid behind the stars and all the tricks they would play.

Vox started chuckling at the end of one, clearly following along. “That isn’t how that should end.”

“How do you know?”

He gave a particularly violent shake before answering, “Even without looking in your mind I can tell you’re trying too hard to make it happy. The plot doesn’t make sense now.”

Of course. That made Ava give a sad, wistful smile. “Oh. Well, that ending was sad. Mine is better.”

Vox chuckled. “The ending was sad because it taught a lesson to the trickster. If it ends happily, then he gets away with too much. It is to teach naughty kits to behave.”

Ava shrugged as she stroked the scales on his head. The shaking is less. She whispered instead, “I don’t think either of us needs any lessons right now.”

Vox didn’t answer that other than to give a noncommittal grunt. Soon after, Vox fell asleep in her lap as Ava kept talking and making up stories. Her voice lowered as she felt his breathing deepen and his hands relax. He still trembled as he slept, making Ava’s gut clench with anxiety.

It was a different kind of worry she had then, watching his limbs twitch involuntarily while she held him. She brushed her hand along his skin, lingering on all the areas where he had scars from the past, delicately tracing those lines with her fingertips. The deep one on his shoulder from the shuttle attack was now healed, with only a ridged line remaining.

Guilt bloomed in her gut, making her heart pound a bit faster. All thoughts of Cipra and what she just did was pushed to the background. “I pushed you too hard,” she whispered to his sleeping form. Vox’s eyes fluttered at her words, but he did not wake up, finally in a deep sleep. Remorse fell over her. Vox wouldn’t deny her anything. Maybe they needed a balance there. Maybe they needed to think how to proceed and not rush into situations. Especially if breaking like this harmed them.

“No,” Rhutg said, standing in the doorway, shining and looking at her speculatively. “Vox was just foolish and thought he was invincible. He needs to delegate better and not try to do everything himself. He is just so hardheaded sometimes.”

Ava frowned, hand over Vox’s head. “Rhutg, don’t look at my thoughts like that.”

“I was trying to check on Vox. It is difficult to not overhear you sometimes.” He paused and sighed deeply. “You’re too familiar a contact to ignore easily now. I hear you all the time whether I want to or not.” He tilted his head toward Vox. “Him too. It’s annoying.”

Ava chuckled at that. I care about you too. She then looked up at him imploringly. “Is Vox going to be okay?”

Rhutg came closer. Even though the alcove room by the engine hall had been expanded, it felt tiny with both Rhutg and Vox in it. Rhutg touched Vox’s head, not as tenderly as Ava did but not harshly either, before connecting and shining. He stopped after a moment. “Yes. But he needs to rest. His mind has so many holes it needs to stitch.”

“So many holes?”

“Limits. He needs to learn them. As for you, don’t sell yourself and him so short over the fear of a little risk.”

Ava looked down and traced Vox’s face again. “Just as long as he is okay.”

“He should be.” Rhutg shone brightly again for a moment. “But he would hate to hear the turn your thoughts just took. About giving up to protect him. He is not that fragile.”

Her hand stilled in its soft stroking. “Should I though, Rhutg?”

Rhutg kept a hand on Vox’s head, still shining. “Should you what?”

Ava rolled her eyes at him. “You know what, you just heard everything I was thinking. Should we take a break, step back to consider everything? I worry if we keep going, it will end up with more of us getting hurt by a bigger enemy.” She gestured to Vox’s shaking limbs. “You are vulnerable too.”

Rhutg let go of Vox and sat down next to Ava, leaning back on his heels, placing his arms on his legs. “Kind of too late to take a step back. We did just destroy Cipra.”

“Yes, but . . .”

“You made a huge step forward today. Use the knowledge gained, or the risks of getting it would not have been worth it. Vox will not be giving up. Neither will I.”

Ava gazed down at Vox. Hopefully the knowledge is worth it.

“But, Ava. Look at me, Female. I’m making a point.” He waited until he had her eyes, then spoke clearly, sincerity ringing in his voice. “Do not live so much in the past that you throw your future life away. You're right in that there is a balance there.”

Ava felt stung by his words. That the implication of how she approached things was wrong. A bit of fire rose in her. She looked back down at Vox and said softly, “I could say the same for you, Rhutg, to not live in the past.”

She regretted the snap a second later when she heard the strain in Rhutg’s voice as he answered, “I know. It’s also easier to say this than to do it. But I know that this is true...” He took a deep breath and finished, “For both of us.”

“Sorry, Rhutg.”

Silence filled the room after her apology. He broke it a few heartbeats later, tapping the bed next to her. “Let’s get what we found sorted. And see where it leads. We found one Human already.”

“Okay.” She added in a small voice, “And it is good Cipra is now gone.”

He clapped her on the knee as he stood. “It is. Others will help too, Ava. With what we gathered. It is no longer just about you alone. If a cover-up like this is happening—it is bigger than just the Humans.”

Ava nodded and went back to stroking Vox’s face. The politics of it all, beyond her only goal of trying to locate more Humans, was hard for her to grasp. None of that will reverse time and stop what happened to the Earth in the first place.

“Yes, but it still is good to know. About how the universe we live in operates. We won’t be seeking any alliances with the Riolie anytime soon now, for instance.”

Of course Rhutg was still listening to her. She fixed him with a glare. “Go away.”

Rhutg chuckled and stopped shining. “His mind is snapping back. I’ll lecture him more when he wakes up. He will be fine after a good sleep, and a time of not overextending himself. He just needs to learn his limits and to not be the only hero.”

“But he is my hero. In a lot of ways.” She looked up to smirk at Rhutg’s disgusted expression from her words.

Rhutg let out an exasperated chuckle. “Stars above, don’t tell him that and feed his ego even more. He needs to let others step up too.” He turned to walk out before pausing at the doorway. “I’ll come to check back in later.”

“Okay,” Ava said softly as he left. She paused a moment before whispering in the direction he went, “Thank you, Rhutg.”

His footsteps paused at her words, but he didn’t come back to talk more. A moment later the familiar ping of the engine room door sounded, indicating he’d left.

She went back to studying Vox’s slack face. The tremors in his limbs were still going on, but lessened. She felt much better hearing from Rhutg that he would be alright.

“I meant it though, Vox,” she said quietly, whispering over his frilled head. How could he think I might want someone other than him? “But more than being my hero, I need you to be safe here with me.”

And in the background noise of the engine, with only Vox’s breathing and mild shaking to break up the sound, Ava thought hard about a world where that was the only thing she was worried about.

Ava ran her fingers over him lightly. He trembled under her touch, and she rubbed each part of him that moved. He’s mine . He was so dear to her. His talk earlier about choices and desperation made her insides swim. So what if he was the first relationship for her? Maybe it was fate initially, but she is choosing him now. She bent over his head and said softly, “Did you know, Vox? You’re the first person I’ve loved that I feel like I’ll get to keep forever. And grow old with, whatever that looks like for me.” She kissed him on the forehead. “I want to live with you. Actually live. I want my whole life to be that.”

Her hand went to her arm and she fingered the tracker there, before she alternated arms and pressed on the fertility blocker in the other. The children I have would look like him. She let go a second later. Ava repositioned herself in the bed to sit back easier while holding his head and cradling him on her lap. She idly sang the lullaby pieces she remembered like she did the first time he’d shaken like this, on the way back from Torga, when her mind was truly more broken than it was now.

Why is that? Why am I not as hurt as back then? She still didn’t want to think about Cipra, but she also didn’t go into as dark of a place as she had feared after visiting. Back at Torga her mind had been attacked, and she was hurt by her memories, thinking her family would be upset with her. But that was not true. Seeing that room, seeing Cipra, it gave her a sense of closure she didn’t have before. Especially knowing that my mother is gone. The place the memories whispered from was subdued now, at least a little. Maybe time really was helping her to heal. Or at least, learn to endure better. And knowing that they would not be upset at me. For living. It was different too, seeing it as an adult now versus as a child. She stroked Vox’s face and considered. It was a lot less scary knowing I could leave. That I was in control this time. And she did it. She went back and got all the records; she did something. Just like with Joy.

Vox was quiet, and she tucked herself in tightly at his side as she worked through this in her mind. She covered them both back up with the patchwork blanket as she continued humming and thinking.

From where they lay, she could just see the biologics swirling in the tank outside the door. Ava watched them from the alcove for a while. At the tank hidden down here in the engine hall.

Like her.

The connection snapped into place, thinking as she was about freedom and choices. They’re captives too, in a different way, huh. Ava frowned and touched the container on her chest. Hidden away by the Phor. Like I was. Down here in the engine hall. The container lay, swirling merrily, on her chest. She removed her hands from Vox and turned the container over, watching them pulse in response. Why did I never realize that before?

She said out loud to the container, “You don’t even have a classification like Humans do. You just are the Phor’s biologics, and not even recorded at all. Sort of like the Yar with the Riolie.”

The container swirled faster. She said softer, “That’s right, isn’t it?”

Hidden away. That’s how secrets are kept. Her hands froze on the biologics. Her mind went over that thought again. And again.

Her eyes rapidly darted side to side as she put the pieces together. It was so obvious what the way forward should be.

Hidden secrets can be controlled.

Fijjik’s words came back to her then, from several weeks ago. They replayed in her mind, in his slow, stilted, voice. It’s only too late if there’s no one left to speak.

“What would happen if neither one of us was a secret anymore?” she whispered down to the yellowish bubbles, gripping the container tightly in her hands.

The biologics swirled fast in response.