Page 25 of Ava Stargazer (Planet Xai #2)

Ava was sitting stiffly on the floor of the engine room, deep in thought and looking at the biologics when she heard Vox come in, the door pinging as it opened to the engine hall. I need to talk with Vox. It is not how Zeed said, but ... She winced. I hate this. I hate not understanding.

Vox’s approach, gentle, as if he was nervous himself, told her he knew about Zeed and the conversation they just had.

She looked up to him with wide eyes, even though she felt a blossoming of hurt within. “I turned him down, Vox.”

Vox stood in front of her, looking vulnerable. He bowed his head. “I know.”

Ava swallowed in the silence, not knowing what to make of Vox’s behavior. At his appearance and silence. “Are you mad at me?” She winced after asking.

He answered in a soft voice, “I’m never mad at you. I have just been given a lot to think about. As have you.”

It was with mournful eyes that Vox looked at her before bending his head further, showing her even more of the vulnerable scales on the back of his frilled neck.

Ava’s eyes narrowed. “What ... ?”

“Ava, you are free to have choices. I am apologizing. I have assumed too much.”

Ava’s heart started to pound at his display of deference. “What are you doing?” She swallowed and voiced her secret fear, “Do you not want me?”

At that, Vox looked forward intently. He put his corded, muscled arms on the ground next to him as he leaned forward, sincerity in his gaze. “I always do.”

“Why have you not then ... linked me to you?” Her voice broke and she looked away. “You said I was not ready, but is it you who isn’t ready?”

He leaned forward, intensity in his gaze. “No. It is nothing like that.” Vox let out a shuddering breath and repositioned himself on the floor by the biologics, close enough for their legs to touch. His amber eyes were haunting in their beauty and depth as he regarded her. “I have not made anything official because I didn’t want to put something more in your mind, Ava. It is permanent to do that, and it can hurt. It’s an invasive process. I thought you might have had enough of us in your mind for a while, and wanted to give you time to just adapt.”

“Oh.” Ava leaned back, clarity now coming across her thoughts. That makes sense. She looked up at the biologics tank, spinning just the same as ever. Especially after Torga and the fear ... She looked away, not wanting that echo to come back as if summoned by her thoughts .

Vox took her hand. “I wanted you to become accustomed to just living before I forced something else on you, especially as we are uncertain how your species would respond. That is the reason.”

Ava sat, thinking of Zeed with his intense eyes and willingness to bond so fast. The thought of Zeed faded as she refocused on Vox looking at her in concern. “You do want to do that with me though?”

He broke eye contact first. “Yes. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that now I have a point of confusion I didn’t have before.”

Ava frowned as she watched Vox hesitate, trying to plan his words.

Finally he spoke, in a rush of speech. “I want you to be with me for the right reasons, not just because I am the one who pulled you from this Phor ship. I want you to be with me not just because I was the means to your freedom, and you were desperate.”

Ava felt caged and confused at that. Desperate? Her insides knotted with anxiety. Why do I feel like something is wrong? She looked at him, wringing her hands. Her tone came out strained. “Now you don’t want to join with me?”

Vox turned back to her and looked deep in her eyes. “No, Ava. I still do. But only for the right reasons. I had none of these doubts about claiming you until Rhutg spoke sense. I want to address this. Clearly.”

Ava’s heartbeat picked up again. “None of this makes sense to me.”

Vox just shook his head, breathing deep. “Sweet bird. You’ve lived half a life. Who would you be and what would you want if you were just ... Ava?”

Ava didn’t have an answer to that. I don’t know. Only, she felt wrong to think of Vox being away from her. Her hands churned in her lap. “Can’t I figure that out with you?”

His look was soft in response. “Yes, but I do want to clarify this between us. I want you with me because of me, not just because I was the first one there. I deserve this as well. When we get back to Xai, if you change your mind, Ava, you can choose differently. We might find Human males at some point as well; that might change things.”

Ava heard his words, but also took note of his hands balled at his side, belying his stress. Her stomach sank, and she felt jittery and nervous at the thought of him backing away, abandoning her. No. Blood pounded in her ears. No no no. The thoughts of other men coming, like Zeed, made her break out in a sweat. “Please, I don’t want any others.” She shook his hand and tears started to form in her eyes. “Look, inside.” Ava shook his hand again and her voice came out in a cry. “Please.”

He connected, and she continued, whispering. “I am who I am now. All I know is ... I feel damaged sometimes, Vox. But I know I’m better when I’m with you.” She sputtered as she forced out the words. “A lot of the time, actually. I don’t know what I should be doing on Xai. Outside of this ship I feel exposed, like whatever I do is wrong. And I don’t understand so much. About anything. And I’m always so different. To everyone. And they all look at me for what I am instead of who I am.”

Vox cleared his throat. “Ava . . .”

She raised her head, looking him in the eyes. “But I do know I just want you. You look at who I am.” Ava calmed as he hummed to soothe her, his eyes reflecting her pain. Her heart pounded fast. “I feel like I’m in trouble. I’m sorry.”

Vox reached out to wipe her eyes. “You’re not. You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

Her hands shook. “I’m ... I’m . . .”

She felt Vox calming her mind. His eyes were vulnerable as they looked at her. “I feel it in you. Your confusion. I don’t like being unsure.”

The distance was too much for Ava. She climbed over to him. He held her at arm’s length for a moment, connecting foreheads with her.

His tone was strained as he said, “Why are you really connecting, Ava? Is it for me, or because you feel so lost inside?”

Ava cried and choked out, reaching for him, “Both. I want you, and you’re where I feel safest.”

Vox relented, opening his arms, and Ava folded into him like she wanted to, becoming small until her entire body was enclosed by his. She stayed like that until her heartbeat became calm and the jitters in her stomach went away. Then she said, voice low, “You won’t leave me?”

“No, Ava. How could I?” Vox murmured into her hair.

They sat like that a moment before Ava said in a small voice, “It’s even harder when I don’t know everything. You assume what I need a lot. Like before, about what my mind can handle with the mark. I wish you had explained everything earlier. That’s not helping.”

Vox shone mutely, connecting with her. “If I say it is in my nature, would you forgive me?”

Ava chuckled a bit. “Sai said Vorbax males are intense when I went to the women’s area. She wasn’t kidding.”

She felt Vox shrug. “I will work on not being the only one making the decisions. We should agree together on what our future looks like.”

Ava rubbed her face in his chest, removing the few tears she had left off her face. “I just want you, Vox.”

His arms constricted around her. “Yes, Ava. But if you choose me and I mark you, that will be permanent. You would be mine, forever. I love you intentionally, not because of fate. I will not give you up after that, even if you change your mind. Even if Human males are found. It is not to be taken lightly.”

She reached up to pat the side of his face. “Please stop this talk of ... others. It hurts for me to think of. Vox, you may have been the first, but you are also teaching me how to live. You’re not taking anything away.”

He was slow to respond. “Yes, Ava.”

Ava let him hold her a bit, still feeling uneasy. She had another question, but was unsure if she should ask.

He spoke, pressing his face into her, still mutely shining. “What else?”

Ava looked down, not wanting to talk about this while fire still rang in his voice. “Never mind.”

He swallowed, then said more calmly, “I’m not upset with you, Ava. It’s just hard to ... what else did you want to ask?”

The words from Zeed ran through her mind as Vox held her, waiting. He wants to breed you. She felt Vox wince, hearing her thinking that.

“It’s not like that, Ava.”

Ava didn’t say anything, but her mind went to Cipra. She had told him before why she didn’t want to have children right away, given what happened with her own mother. “I don’t know if I will ever want that.” Maybe. But not now.

Vox’s hands clenched on hers in his lap. “Ava. I want kits, yes. But I want you more. I want you in whatever capacity you’re willing to give me.” He leaned closer and tilted her face to meet his. “I will be your shield for now, sweet bird. Your mind is beautiful.”

Ava saw his sincerity and her heartbeat slowed, feeling more reassured. He held her like that, watching the bubbles dance. She leaned into him more. “You already know everything about me, Vox; how could you doubt?”

Vox just sighed and held her tighter, leaning against the biologics tank while holding her. “Ava, your mind twists, and then what you end up believing always surprises me.”

“You just said it was beautiful.”

He chuckled. “It is even more so because it can surprise me.”

Time passed, marked by the gears spinning. Vox glowed brighter, meditating calmly like he had when he was in the prison and she’d watched him from overhead. Now, Ava watched the engine, letting it calm her like it usually did. “Where do we go from here? You and me?”

She felt him startle out of his deep, meditative state to answer, “When we get back to Xai, we can decide.”