Page 8 of Amateur Goddess (Morrigan University #3)

The next morning, I arranged a sit-down at my house with Tracey, Jasmine, Winter, Teddy, Wyatt, Quinn, Link, and of course Loki. I didn’t really have beef with him—or Teddy—but they could at least enjoy the property and getting to spend time with their warlocks.

“I acknowledge this is weird and—thank you for being understanding that I didn’t grow up normally and I’m not socialized well,” I started off when everyone started reaching for the food. I glanced at Winter. “I thought a lot about what you said, and I don’t think you’re wrong, but I don’t feel that you’re completely right either and Bubba helped me understand that.”

He nodded but seemed hesitant.

I looked at Wyatt next even if he was staring at his coffee. “And you’re right that I’m drowning and missing things. Part of me wants to say let’s just start over, but that seems dismissive of what’s already happened, and I think what keeps going wrong is that I can’t handle anything more and ignore what’s going on or you just push past the issue like it’s done.”

He seemed to consider that. “You’re not wrong. I feel like you’re sand always slipping away each time it seems like something is fixed and I hold tighter or misstep trying to fix it. But I’m really hurt that you think this is all sex and—”

“You’ll get your turn, Wyatt,” Link cut in. “You’ve been saying a lot, and I’ve even seen Bevin go along with everything. People are pushing her to say what she wants or needs, but with the crazy, she doesn’t get a chance or like the issue with her father everyone was overloaded. She’s hitting the brakes and saying what’s going on with her. Even I know that’s hard for her.”

“You’re right, sorry,” Wyatt accepted.

“Thank you,” I muttered, not sure if it was the right thing to say, but I felt it. I felt grateful he was trying?

Seriously, was this a relationship even worth trying to salvage but wasn’t really a relationship? My head hurt.

I looked at Winter. “You’re right that I’m a jerk for not handling things sooner when I realize something is wrong or how I feel. However , people need to stop putting me in these positions and then I’m the jerk. I haven’t agreed to a lot of what’s going on and I don’t think—not stopping things isn’t the same as consent.”

“I don’t disagree but—” he started to say.

“No, no but ,” I snapped. “Things are complicated, and there’s more going on than green light, red light! People need to start getting fucking consent and asking permission.” I glared at Quinn specifically. “And enough of your bullshit that it’s my fault for allowing you to get away with it. You take advantage of the situation.

“You know I can’t just out myself that I understand animals and familiars. You’re being really mean to me and making me look bad—Wyatt too—when you do that. I’ve been really nice to you, and you turn around and use my circumstances against me. Now it’s all built up and made me realize that I don’t really like you, Quinn.”

“Wait, I’m sorry, I was just teasing and—” he argued, the fox completely shocked.

“It’s not funny,” I snapped. “I’m scared all of the time people are going to find out and be abducted or the school invaded because my father is a psycho. And you throw it in my face to get more pets and boast that you get whatever you want. So I want you to stay away from me until you can be a good fox and be nice to me like I am to you.”

“Whoa, Bev,” Tracey whispered. “Woodchuck always jumps on you and—”

“This is different since she apparently can fucking understand animals—and give me a minute with that,” Link muttered, looking shell-shocked when I glanced at him. “And the fox is mocking her. I would bet your familiar never does.”

“No, she always asks how I’ve been and tells me she misses me,” I mumbled. “Shit, I thought you already figured this out.” I scrubbed my hands over my face and blinked back tears. “I’m so tired of all of this. I cannot even keep straight who knows what. There are no boundaries or lines. Everything is shit, and everyone just does whatever they want! I just can’t—”

“Hey, hey, you were doing great, little sexy,” Winter said gently, reaching over and rubbing my arm. “I can feel how tired you are. You stayed up all night thinking about—worrying about this. I get it. This is all heavy and you’re too overloaded. We see that. I hear you and get where you’re coming from.”

I let out a slow breath and nodded. I took a few more deep breaths and then looked at Link, not sure how to get back on track.

He nodded. “You’re basically saying that just because a guy might like you plopping on his lap, it’s not any more acceptable as people pushing you or sneaking kisses when you don’t feel settled. Just because you’ve had sex once or crossed a line doesn’t mean someone gets carte blanche.”

“Yes, and I need the boundaries back. I need people to stop assigning roles for themselves in my life—and I’m not picking on Wyatt for that. He’s not the only one.” I glanced at Winter. “You did something about the Haddocks, right?” I nodded when he swallowed loudly. “I was a bit behind Travis Haddock and he fucking booked it when he saw you.”

“I can explain,” he whispered.

“Not right now,” I said as I held up my hand. “But this is what I’m talking about. You do that. Wyatt assigns himself the role of my priest when I can’t even deal with being a goddess witch and announces I have my five. Tracey and Jasmine are doing other things. I’m over here trying to manage this.” I opened my mouth and then closed it before looking at Link.

“I’m sorry?” he hedged.

“Actually, I think you’re the only one who hasn’t done that besides blurting out that I was a goddess witch when we were all here and I did your session. I asked you for help with Kelton. I went to you that day, and you got dragged into this because of that, but you’re always checking in with me and discussing the next step or where we’re at.”

“It’s my job,” he chuckled, nodding that he understood. “Plus, I’m like you and I like boundaries. I like to know my role and where I fit. I need that and to see the pieces fitting. More than that, it’s my training or people could die. Security fails and bad guys slip through and the mission fails.”

“You make perfect sense, but that doesn’t tell us what you’re saying you need, Bev,” Tracey said quietly.

“I need everyone to take a step or two back,” I said firmly, but then flinched when hurt was on her face. “Not you. Never you.”

“But we need to touch base more. Things have spiraled from—they’ve spiraled.”

“They’ve spiraled,” I agreed, tears filling my eyes. “There can only be one captain. You’re the captain of Familiar Treasures. I’m the captain of me. It’s all blurred and blended, and—I’m— I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning and I can’t stop crying. I’m so sick of crying and wanting to give up. I can’t—I’m just swept up in everyone else’s pace and I hate myself.”

And of course, I broke down crying, shoving away whoever tried to comfort me.

“No! Don’t harvest for her. She’s overloaded with magic,” Link ordered. “Shit, okay, Bev, you gotta—this is going to be a problem, and—you need to start storing this. I think this is a huge part of what’s been going on with you. There were a lot of samples and harvesting before this.”

I nodded, still crying as he told them what we’d realized last night. Or I had and he’d agreed.

“I got you, Bev,” Wyatt whispered as he moved behind me… While I was on the ground? When had I moved there?

Maybe not what I should focus on.

“I know it’s too much, but focus on me and how to let it out into the vessel to hold it,” he said gently, putting my hands on something cool and comforting. “Slow breath in and slow breath out. On the breath out, push the magic out just as you would to do a spell. Tell it to rest here for you until you need it. You can do this. Your focus is aces.”

I nodded and matched his breathing before doing as he said. I gasped as I felt magic rush out of me until there was no more room to go. My body sort of lurched when that happened and black dots formed so I couldn’t see anything.

“No, that cannot be black,” Jasmine whispered in horror.

I blinked as my vision came back to see Link pick up a gallon glass jug that was now full of “liquid.”

He held it up to the sunlight and chuckled. “No, it’s brown. It’s super dark brown. Pure organic magic. Un-fucking-real.”

“Oh, thank fuck,” Jasmine sighed.

“How are you?” Wyatt checked.

I took stock and nodded. “Better, thanks.” I chuckled darkly. “Seriously, the crazy is just going to eat me at this point.”

“No, we’re going to figure this out and do better,” he said firmly. “Because the world needs you, not just everyone here.” He picked me up and gently put me back in my seat before taking the jug from Link.

While not noticing at all what he’d said made me blush.

I stared at the jug—the vessel to hold magic—and couldn’t hide my shock. Not at seeing a vessel. I’d seen dozens even in my sheltered life. There was a reason humans always had jugs and jars in their movies when they depicted witches or magic.

We used them to store magic. Some of them got that correct. Glass was benign and didn’t add anything to the magic. If done right, it was something to hide in plain sight and never take much notice if a human was in your house.

Yeah, fine, there were some fringe weirdos and freaks who had stocked their entire houses with gross jars full of weird “liquid” who had gotten caught. We learned that in the history of our people and as a warning of not to be stupid.

But for normal witches and warlocks, it was if they wanted to build magic for a certain spell or try to grow to another power level. They had a few or maybe a dozen at most. I didn’t even think my mother had any because she mostly lived like a rich human, and a lot of trophy-wife witches did the same.

Then again, for all I knew, my father had an entire shed or second residence full of vessels he was such a lunatic.

The magic to make vessels was rare and a sought-after talent. Just as I infused my magic into toys for familiars, a witch or warlock infused their magic into the glass they blew and molded into containers. It wasn’t like we could just pick up a jar from Home Goods and shove magic in it.

Though that would be nice and much cheaper.

After everyone got settled from their shock, I told them what happened about doing work last night and then bumping into Link and talking to him. Tracey seemed hesitant but clearly believed me.

“I would think of anyone you would be used to Bev being awesome,” Winter muttered, giving her a weird look.

“She’s wondering why the treats when this never happened with the hundreds of toys we’ve sold over years and years,” I told him, nodding when Tracey did. “Yeah, my head was in the same place.”

“You have a theory,” she surmised. “You normally do.”

I shrugged. “I’m more powerful now. I couldn’t do brushes before. Now I’m doing paints for housing? The book Wyatt gave me said my magic would grow and take root if I have the points of my stars and they’ve grounded me or whatever. I think my magic knows it’s time to ramp up and is looking for ways to make that happen and get deeper roots.”

“It makes sense,” Tracey accepted. “It also makes sense why you’re spiraling.” She held up a hand to me when I flinched. “We’re spiraling and too much is going on, but you’re not one to cry like this. Yes, you had to hold everything in at that fucking prison, and of course you would have jagged emotions coming out when you’re free.”

“But it’s normally over time and not so much like a dam bursting,” Jasmine said. “At least that was how it went for my friend who was abused. Then again, I think it’s different for everyone so maybe ignore me. Sorry, this is all a bit shocking.”

Fair enough, and she maybe wasn’t wrong.

We talked for a while longer, and I felt more settled and like they all heard me. That we had things better handled. Maybe.

Hopefully?

I did a session with Tracey and Woodchuck since they kept getting skipped, then I did one with a councilman before coming back to do my run. I saw they had been talking more and glanced between them.

Winter pointed between himself and Wyatt. “We would like to talk to the others and explain what you’ve said so you don’t have to when you’re this stressed. We set the bad example and standard, and we should help fix that. Is that okay with you?”

“Yes. Thank you.” I was going to leave it at that but then decided to address what they were doing with everyone there. “This is what I want more of. I think I’m pretty agreeable. I don’t like issues and I—but when I agree to too much or—it’s like people just answer for me and I feel like a doormat. I had no choice in anything in that house. I want a choice in everything now.”

“We hear you,” Winter said firmly. “A lot of it is worrying you’re going to drown, but you not knowing what you should dumps water on your head, not gives you floaties. We hear you.”

“Thanks.”

“Can we join you for part of your run?” Wyatt asked quietly. “You’re lapping the lake eighty times or whatever, right?”

“Yeah, I can tire you all out,” I joked, wincing when I heard the innuendo. “Do I get a prize when I outrun you all?”

“I’ll look at you funny,” Jasmine chuckled, giving me a look that she meant it to help move past the innuendo.

Link and I started out with Loki, and when I picked up the pace after the first mile, he gave me a look like he wasn’t sure if I was kidding or not.

I wasn’t. I really ran that pace. Even over terrain.

He only made it once around the lake with me which was about seven miles, and he cussed under his breath when he stopped. Nigel fell in step with me and did the lap but said he couldn’t do a second.

Next was Wyatt, and he was clear he didn’t think he’d do half and would circle one of them to take his place. He made it a third and asked me to jog in place while they switched out, bitching that he needed to get in better shape.

“I’m not much of a runner,” Winter admitted as he joined me.

“You guys don’t have to do this,” I reminded him.

“I know, but I want to be here with you when you’re struggling and I should do more cardio,” he explained. “It’s how we all feel.”

“Okay,” I accepted and took off.

“Oh fuck, do you have to run so damn fast too?” he asked after a mile. “I’ve got a lot of bulk here, Bev.”

I chuckled and told him to set the pace for whatever he wanted and I’d figure it out. He blew me a kiss, and that was what we did for a couple more miles. Then he switched with Sergey, and he wasn’t going to do a full lap either.

We reached the path to the house where everyone was chilling, and I told them no more laps, but to tell me when they were half done and we’d turn back.

“Sorry, foxy,” Sergey panted. “We want to be supportive, and I know these runs are important to you—you’re a fucking machine. Seriously.”

“It was all I had to keep me sane and happy endorphins,” I muttered, not sure what else to say.

We swung back when he needed to, and then I picked up Kelton and we kept in that other direction. He told me when he was at his half mark and we flipped around. Link came for another round, and… I got my full run, but it was pretty damn funny how it happened.

I really did exhaust six men.

“How are you feeling?” Wyatt asked me when I started my cooldown walk. He nodded when I glanced at him. “I’m asking as your power assessor and am trying to help. Do the runs help? Magic can affect your emotions, and—it’s all a delicate balance. I suggest you add it all to your journal now that you know.”

I nodded as I kept moving. “Thanks. And I’m not ignoring you. Let me cool down and I can tell you.”

“Or just so you note it,” he accepted, not pushing.

I kept nodding as I thought about a new journal or section for this. It was smart and I liked the idea. When we’d finally had our first power assessment, Wyatt walked me through how to keep a journal of my power and magic basically. He compared it to a workout or lifting journal that bodybuilders used for their reps and tracking.

Or not even bodybuilders but people working towards goals. Like in training class how they logged our starting level and where we’d been testing at since. It was all about progress.

He especially wanted me to keep one for working with others. He compared that more to how a therapist took notes on sessions and what they wanted someone to work on more and even the homework assigned. I was never going to remember that all when I worked with so many people now and I needed to.

Especially to note who wasn’t doing what they should when I was giving them this time and energy for free.

He was clear he would do it for me as well and it would also become a motivating tool to see how far I’d come and the amount I’d learned. I took what he’d said to heart and completely saw where he was coming from—also, now thinking about it, how seriously he took my training and doing right by me.

I walked over to Nigel. “Have you worked with your power assessor much?” I waited until he nodded. “Does he keep a journal of your progress?”

Nigel gave me a look like I was nuts. He snorted. “He gives zero fucks and basically has some checklist he focuses on. He tells me what to figure out before our next assessment and not to waste his time and takes two seconds to make sure I can do it. That’s it.”

Wow. Okay… Wow.

I noted how stunned the others seemed, but I went right to Wyatt in front of them. “Thank you for being diligent and making sure I didn’t fall through the cracks like that. Really. I think I figured out that I wasn’t—the power thing last night because you’ve been working hard with me.”

“I’m glad I’ve helped,” he said, seeming shocked. “So the runs help too.”

“Yes, and I have a few more things I need to handle.” I was about to tell Tracey part of it but then turned to all of the guys. “Meals are not just—I get it’s probably normal that everyone just sits together, and I’ve not handled my feelings well, making comments that seem rude. I’ve been trying to vocalize that I’m uncomfortable.”

“We all have other friends, but you don’t,” Kelton said quietly. “Yeah, one of my friends pointed that out and snidely like there was something wrong with you, but I realized the problem was us. We just invited ourselves into everything right as classes started, and you didn’t have a chance to make friends and now…”

“Now there are rumors about my harem and I’m a pick-me girl,” I mumbled. “I keep meaning to look up what that means.”

“Don’t,” Sergey muttered. “It’s toxic crap from jealous people and will—I’m upset for you. It’s jealous bullshit and another way to put down women. There are better ways to point out some toxic behavior, but that’s not even you.”

Fair enough.

“But it wasn’t bad to eat with all of us, right?” Nigel worried.

“No, not at all, but it’s overwhelming all of the time. And I don’t like feeling that anything about me is a given,” I answered. “Plus, then people are all over me if I’m not there and I didn’t even agree to it.”

“Okay, so how do you want things?” Winter asked.

I wanted to snark that I wanted whatever was normal, but I wasn’t going to have that as a goddess witch. I sighed, hating the feeling that I was bossing them around, but then I wanted to not always be at their pace, and… Apparently, I was never happy.

Luckily, Tracey knew me well and that this was beyond my comfort zone. “Why don’t you do breakfast casual, and just anyone who’s around can join up and check in? Lunch everyone does their own thing, and you can try to make witch friends or take the pass if you need. And dinner is by invitation, and maybe you even eat at home a few nights for a breather.”

The grateful look I gave her spoke all the volumes of my love for her. “That sounds great.”

“Okay, awesome, then we have a plan,” Winter said easily. “I would suggest that Link and I be added to the magic here so we can at least circle to the front door or something.”

“You can circle to the front gate, and we’re finally interviewing for guards from Link’s referrals,” Tracey countered.

Awesome, then there was really only one more super heavy thing for me to handle. I glanced at my watch and reminded Tracey that we had to go. She sighed and nodded, asking me if I wanted to change or anything first. She looked hesitant when I snorted, but I wanted to make a few things clear.

Including that I wasn’t going to be a pushover anymore.

Fine, I doubted that it would last very long, and I’d crumble fast like I kept doing but dammit, I was going to keep trying.

The thirteen councilmen were there at the High Council estate with their familiars. It had been two weeks since four of their familiars had started coming to work with them every day and there hadn’t been a single problem. We were going to add more sooner, but everyone agreed to make very, very sure this went exceedingly well.

They were all shocked at the state I was in, dripping with sweat and clearly not having cared to change for them.

I glanced around at them and mentally apologized to Tracey for what I was about to do. “Four of you used the sessions I agreed to donate to help the High Council to selfishly push your own agendas and a member of your family on me like you’re my pimp. Oh, and after you all promised to keep who I am confidential.”

“That is not what—” Councilman Perry objected.

“Is your son speaking to you yet after you lied that I wanted to meet him and you tricked him to be there too?” I threw right back, not caring that I embarrassed him.

He’d embarrassed me.

And I was going to make it damn clear that people should stop taking me so lightly… Even if I broke down in private later.