Page 7 of Amateur Goddess (Morrigan University #3)

“You’re really going to break up with me because they told you to, aren’t you?” Wyatt chuckled darkly before taking a long swig of a bottle. Beer from what I could see.

And the best part?

He was at my house .

Yeah, he hadn’t answered his phone when I’d tried him, and after a bit of chasing my tail, Jasmine told me she’d seen him on the security cameras. He was at my private lake drinking.

“Are we even dating to break up?” I asked, not to be mean, but it just came out.

He lowered the bottle and slowly looked at me.

I knew that look and got angry. “No! No, don’t you dare sigh at me! I’m not an annoyance that you have to deal with.” I stomped towards him. “Do you even like me as a person? Seriously?”

“What are you talking about?” he whispered, his eyes wide. “Of course I do! Why would I do all of this and deal with the crap being with you brings if I didn’t?”

“‘Being with me?’” I scrubbed my hands over my face. “You mean fucking. We’ve fucked. That’s not dating. That’s not—”

“What are you—what the fuck have all the dates that we’ve been having been?” he demanded as he pushed to his feet. “We’ve had a bunch now—”

“We’ve had study dates that you steal kisses during and I just let you,” I snapped. “I let you because I’m pathetic and scared of you blowing up my life. What am I supposed to do when you’re my professor and advisor and—”

“That’s not fair,” he snapped. “You act like I’m taking advantage of you. I’m not a fucking moron, and I know when someone is uncomfortable around me, Bevin. You lean into me and—”

“The kisses are nice, and I don’t want to ruin the mood,” I conceded, taking some of the anger from him. “But you’ve never asked , Wyatt.”

“Derek,” he growled. “Why won’t you just call me Derek already?”

“Because I don’t see you as Derek!” I yelled, completely exasperated and exhausted after letting it all out to Winter. “I see you as Professor Wyatt. The guy who knew I was a student when we had sex and I had no idea you weren’t.”

He frowned. “Why are you bringing up old stuff now? You’re just looking for reasons to validate them, huh?”

I blinked at him. “Seriously, you do not even like me as a person.” I felt validated when he winced. “Tracey and Jasmine did not tell me to break up with you. They both agreed they maybe went too far, but your overbearing behavior worries them, and when they ask me , it’s clear I’m uncomfortable with this.” I gestured between us.

“I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“Maybe that means you should just fucking listen for once and not circle away or just declare what you want and not give me a chance to respond,” I replied.

He gave me a weird look. “Who are you tonight?”

That was actually fair, and I nodded as I crossed my arms over my chest. “Winter said I’m starting to be the bad guy in this because I keep not speaking up, and it makes me hate myself even more so yeah, I can see this—I’m just fed up and with a lot. I can’t keep going like this. I just want to quit. All of the time. Quit school. Run away. Just give up.”

Worry filled his eyes, and I looked away because I knew he would see too much. I didn’t mean that I was suicidal, but… I didn’t know that I wasn’t.

I didn’t want to kill myself, but I didn’t want to fight anymore to survive.

Was there really a difference?

I wasn’t sure there was or that I could be the person to decide when I was drowning in the darkness.

“It’s not old to me,” I whispered, bringing us back to the topic. “It’s not even been two months since we met. That’s not like—we’ve never dealt with it. There’s been too much else.” I gestured out to the woods, making it clear that it was the outside world.

He was quiet for several moments. “Okay, I can see that. I thought we had dealt with it when we had sex that next time. But you’re right and we never talked about it directly.”

“Thank you.” If he was going to be calm, I could be too.

“But what is there really to talk about, Bev? You know why I didn’t tell you. My last name would have set you off. It did. And I hadn’t planned for any of that to happen.”

“And I also didn’t ask your name,” I added, taking responsibility.

“I wasn’t going to harp on that, but yeah.”

I nodded, staring at the ground. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but I need you to hear me that if I had known you were a professor, I wouldn’t have let that happen. I wouldn’t have thrown myself at you and just suffered with the potion.”

“Oh.” The word sounded so pained that I felt it.

I swallowed loudly and continued. “And I think you know that, somewhere deep down, because you’ve never asked me if I wanted to be with you. Date. You just assume because we had chemistry. All the missteps have—”

“I thought we were making that better and getting on the same page,” he argued, confusion in his tone.

“Every time I think we take a step in the right direction, we take two back or the other way—I don’t know. I don’t think you’re the enemy anymore, but I feel trapped with you. I still am scared of you and—”

“Bev, that’s not fair and—”

I lifted my head and met his gaze. “I can understand animals. I can have full conversations with them—I have with Quinn. I can tell you every word he says, and that’s how I knew you fed him kibble and—I understand animals. And I wasn’t comfortable telling you that. I was still worried and hesitant.”

The shock and hurt all over his face killed me. It was like a punch to the gut, but I stayed firm because we had to handle this.

He studied me closely for a few minutes, maybe the longest minutes of my life. “But you told one of the others, didn’t you? One of them you felt safe with and—Winter. You told Winter but not me?”

“Yes.” I was going to apologize but… Why? Why was that my fault that I didn’t trust him?

I could trust Winter.

“Tracey and Jasmine know. Mrs. Oliveria. I think Link’s figured it out, but I told Winter.”

“You told Winter and not me,” he whispered as he moved to sit down—well, stumbled really. He plopped down on a large tree trunk and blinked at me, tears running down his cheeks. “Do you really not like me at all?”

“I don’t know you,” I answered. “I know our misunderstandings. I know you boss me around. I know—I like the guy who supported me during and after the werewolf attack. But then you ignore what I said again, and I just feel…” I scrubbed my hands over my face and stared at the ground again. “You announced we won’t have sex until I have sex with them.

“And I had sex with Sergey. Do you know the first thought I had? I was worried you would find out and chuckle that our break from sex was over. Dismiss what I’d said before again and I felt pathetic. I felt weak and walked all over and scared of how to handle it because now I need you. You’ve put yourself in all these roles in my life and never asked me.”

“You make it all sound manipulative and it wasn’t,” he rasped.

“Maybe you didn’t mean it that way, but it kinda is when I didn’t agree to any of them.” I wished I was strong enough to look at him, but I wasn’t. “It’s—I heard Jasmine tell Tracey that she thinks this dynamic is borderline abusive when you took those roles to get closer to me and use them to have me and never asked me. That’s what all of their beef is about.”

“And you agree with them,” he chuckled darkly.

It was my turn to think for a few minutes. “I don’t know. I do know that you don’t listen to me. You’re like Quinn always saying it’s my fault he behaves that way because I allow it. I’ve allowed it. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to be pathetic anymore. I really don’t want to be the bad guy somehow and hurt you because I didn’t tell you.

“I’m not sure how to tell you anything or why I have to break up with a relationship that’s not a relationship and I never agreed to . It’s just been assumed. Or you tell other people it’s something, like saying to the council you’re going to court me or you understand my upset at the miscommunications but then sigh like I’m a child when it’s just us.

“I joked that I wanted a large apology present but not really. I thought something to show you were sorry and valued me. Nothing. Not flowers. Not dinner—nothing. We have study dates like friends would but fine, you’re not studying too, but—nothing is defined. There are no boundaries or clear lines. It’s just all mixed up and whatever you want. I hate it.”

“What can I do to fix this?”

I looked at him then, and I couldn’t hide my confusion. “Why do you even want to? For sex? Because I’m a na?ve freshman who doesn’t get things and lets you do whatever and has a tight pussy?”

“That’s not fair,” he whispered. “That’s not fair at all, Bev. I admit that I don’t get a lot either and I’m dismissive—I had to block it all out. But when I get it—I haven’t called you a goddess once. I haven’t shown up in your room or—”

“The problem is you see that as being accommodating and really it was a problem that you ever did,” I interrupted. “The first time you called me a goddess I said not to. That was when it should have ended. You should never have shown up in my room as you did or pulled me out of my room with the circles. All of that crossed the line, but you dismiss it. Dismiss me.”

“I don’t mean to,” he mumbled. “I just saw us together and it as being playful.” He let out a slow breath, and I was actually surprised he didn’t sigh like normal. “What can I do to fix this?” He wiped his eyes. “I don’t—I can’t just be your friend.”

I swallowed a snort. Did I even trust him to be a friend?

Yes, but that didn’t really matter, right?

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” he asked after a few minutes.

I shook myself out of my spinning thoughts. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I asked what I can do to fix this,” he hedged. “Are you saying nothing can fix it?”

I opened my mouth but then closed it. “I don’t think we want the same things. Is that something that can be fixed?”

“Can I say something?” he asked quietly.

“Of course.”

“I’m not picking on what you’re saying, I hear you, and you’ve made some really good points that I didn’t understand or didn’t see,” he hedged.

“But?” I pushed when he seemed unsure of what to say next.

“But I think you’re missing parts because you’re constantly being beat up by the crazy.” He scrubbed his hand over his hair, making a mess of it like I’d never seen before. “The extra tutoring isn’t for sex. I like you. I think you’re smart, and it’s fun to work on magic with you. I want you to succeed and be happy.

“I do it because it’s an excuse to spend more time with you. It’s my flowers. It’s how I show I care. It’s my… Love language? I think that’s what it’s called. I do things. I show support. Organizing and helping with your Wicked Challenges prank. That’s not about sex. I was excited for you. I wanted you to rock it.

“Yeah, okay, maybe I looked good as your advisor, but I didn’t post to social media for that.” He nodded when I winced. “That backfired. I’m sorry for that. It’s why I’m known as the Wyatt family’s fuck up and black sheep.” He sniffled loudly. “I always have good intentions, but I fuck up. I really just fuck everything up.”

“I don’t…” I fidgeted. I couldn’t comfort him or it would be accepting things being okay, right?

“Please just hear me on this,” he begged. “All the research I’ve been doing about being a goddess witch isn’t about sex. I like you. It scares me that I like someone so much younger. Someone who is a goddess witch when I’m a jealous asshole. I know I’ll have to work on myself to be in a relationship like that, but I think you’re worth it. I do.”

“Okay, I’ll think on that,” I whispered. “And I can even agree on the point that I’m missing things. Winter said the same.” I hurried on when he looked relieved. “But it’s really hard to want to thank you for any of it when you just do it on your own like you’re the boss of me. Talk to me . Respect me like you want a partner, not someone you can control.”

“I don’t want to control you,” he mumbled, scrubbing his hand over his hair again. “I’ve told you that the sexiest thing was when you took charge and just stripped for me demanding I take you. That’s not someone who wants a submissive idiot, Bevin.”

“Fine, but your behavior hasn’t always matched up with that.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. “I do want to think about this. Can we talk in the morning after I have?”

“Yeah, sure.” He sounded so defeated, like he knew what the result would be, that it upset me, but… I didn’t know he was wrong.

I didn’t know what to do either.

“Sorry that I showed up here,” he said when I turned to leave. “It was over the line. I know that. I just didn’t have anywhere else to go that was safe, and there are too many eyes and ears in the teacher’s dorm.”

“I’m not mad at all,” I told him, nodding when he seemed shocked. “It’s fine. I’m mad you were overbearing and put yourself on the magic, but I told everyone they could use this place as a time-out or for harvesting if they needed.” I thought of something and amended my stance. “Just let Jasmine or Tracey know next time so you don’t scare them.”

He winced. “Yeah, fair. Sorry.” He stopped me again when I went to leave. “I know I shouldn’t ask, but if this does end, I’d hate myself for not being brave enough to ask.” He waited until I nodded. “Can I have a kiss that I didn’t steal or upset you taking?”

Damn him.

Seriously, just… Damn him.

I nodded and moved towards him.

“No, wait, sorry,” he whispered when I almost reached him, his voice shaking. “Okay, I think I get it now. You’re forcing yourself. It’s not… I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair to you and selfish.” He turned toward the tree trunk and away from me.

I was shocked. His shoulders shook, and I was too shocked to move for like a full minute.

I ended up texting Winter that I wanted to think alone but he maybe should check on Wyatt and where he was. Where I ended up shocked me… And Bubba from the look the familiar was giving me.

“I know you’re not always my biggest fan, but you’ve been on my side when I’ve put my foot down and set boundaries,” I said, realizing why I was there. “I think I just need to get this out, and fair or not—I need to know how to—I need to know where the line is or where I need it.”

He nodded. “Bring me a snack and go get your work for toys. Sergey says you are at ease when you work on what you know. You can also work on the spell for the cloaking barrier Nina showed you. You need to practice.”

“Thanks, Bubba.”

“I appreciate the runs we take,” he admitted. “The better I am, the better Sergey is.”

Fair enough.

I did as he said—long since past thinking it odd to listen to animals. I ended up talking so much and doing so much work that I had to switch out supplies several times.

I frowned as I lugged another batch of product to finish more product back to my dorm.

“We need to work on your reactions to seeing me,” Link drawled.

I let out a yelp and tripped over my feet, almost landing on my face if his reflexes weren’t as fast as they were.

“Okay, so you didn’t see me if you were startled,” he chuckled, sounding a bit breathy as if I scared him too. “Okay, yeah, hi.”

“Hi,” I panted, rubbing my chest as he steadied me. Then I blinked around and hurried to clean up everything that had fallen out of my bag. “Hi.”

He snickered. “Hi. Sorry, I was standing right in front of you.”

“Yeah, I’m oblivious and in my own head a lot. Plus…” I glanced around and realized he was the perfect person to maybe help me. I stuffed the last of it in my bag and leaned into him. “Can you do the thing Wyatt does and like scan me to see if I’m low on my magic tank?”

“Yeah, it’s basic emergency response training for magics,” he answered. “Are you feeling off?”

“No, and I probably should for the amount of work I’ve done tonight,” I whispered, gesturing to the bag. I frowned harder. “Today even.”

He nodded, getting something was going on. “Let’s go to your room. I wanted to check on you. Your big sisters were worried but didn’t want to piss you off anymore.”

I saw the question in his eyes and realized that he might be the right person to help with all of this mess. “Are you busy in the morning? I think I need help mediating and—you get me.”

He studied me a moment. “Are you going on a long run tomorrow? I want to kick my training up a level, but I really hate running. I was hoping I could start joining you for part of those.”

I wasn’t sure why, but then I saw he was a bit embarrassed. “Competitive, huh?”

“I find it’s a good motivator,” he admitted with a shrug.

“Sure, but it’s mostly my peaceful time. If the earbuds don’t upset you or you can talk some.” I shrugged as well.

He accepted that and we went to my room. I set everything down and then felt his magic on me. He frowned, and then I felt his magic again. “Yeah, you’re brimming with magic, not down on the tank at all .”

We stared at each other a moment, and then I put the pieces together and needed to sit down. Link was snapping in my face, and I realized I’d gone into shock and he’d been trying to get me to react for a while.

“There you are,” he sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. “Okay, well, wanna fill me in after scaring the shit out of me?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure, and I really don’t think I should tell anyone besides Tracey,” I mumbled, not sure I should even when he nodded.

He held up two fingers. “Scouts honor. Seriously, I just had a heart attack, Bev. Tell me because I’m also supposed to protect you, and if something is up with your magic, I kinda need to know that.”

That was fair. I sighed. “I think there’s a slight side effect of the familiars having treats with that spell and my magic.”

He frowned but then his eyes went wide and he burst out laughing. He started to calm down and then burst out laughing all over again. “Okay, seriously, tell me that you’re—they’re all hopped up to harvest, and—tell me you’re seriously getting some of that magic? Fuck, that is like the ultimate con to get tons of power—they pay you to then harvest for you.”

“I didn’t know,” I hissed. “And obviously it’s not a lot or I would have immediately known from the test treats. That was—we’ve sold thousands now, and—I didn’t do it on purpose. I also donate a lot of power to like the large familiar housing. Your sessions. All the sessions and—”

“You’re right, you’re right,” he cut in, rubbing my knee. “I get it. You give too much, and if anyone should get a kickback of magic, it’s you.” He suddenly looked scared. “Shit, but if others found out this could be—that this was possible…”

Horror filled me as I thought of something like this in the hands of my father. “No, it has to be because of what I am, right? Who blessed me and that I don’t have a familiar?”

“Probably but who ever hears logic like that?” he worried, but then seemed to swallow it down. “Yeah, only tell Tracey and Wyatt. He needs to know as your assessor.”

I sighed. Heavily. “It’s all—do you have any idea how exhausting it is to keep straight who knows what and what I have to keep secret from whom? That alone is fucking exhausting.”

“Yeah, I just bet it is, but it’s how you’ll stay alive, Bev,” he said gently.

Yeah, great, more surviving. Who didn’t want to “live” a life of just always surviving and never enjoying anything?

I didn’t think that would be a very long line.