Page 21 of Amateur Goddess (Morrigan University #3)

The videos were everywhere by the time I was done with my last class. It was all people were talking about on my walk back to my dorm. I had texts coming in left and right from people on our side, but I ignored them. I didn’t want to get into it or cheer if it was a win.

I only answered Tracey when I saw she asked if I was okay and if I got sick. I told her that I was as fine as either of us could be and it wasn’t too bad. I wasn’t going to lie to her, not when I’d beat her if she hid something like that from me.

I was honest though that I was going to tune out a bit and just focus on work and school since I didn’t have to go to the factory. If she needed me then to text me and I’d check my watch for her name.

She replied saying to put everything on focus mode as long as I stayed in my dorm room so she didn’t worry. She totally understood and to forget what everyone else needed. To do what I needed but just not to make her worry.

I replied she better not do the same.

I laughed at her reply. Like full belly laugh and had to lean on the something, so luckily I’d reached my dorm.

“What’s so funny?” a deep voice asked me. “I didn’t think I’d find you in a good mood.”

I blinked up into Kelton’s dark blue eyes. “I’m not, but Tracey’s too funny sometimes to not laugh through the crazy.”

“Glad she can do that for you no matter how serious things are,” he muttered, glancing at my phone curiously but leaving it alone.

I appreciated that because I wasn’t going to tell him what Tracey’s text was when it was personal. But I was still chuckling that she admitted she would be good because teasing one of her bodyguards and flirting with the man was her new fun hobby and favorite way to relieve stress.

It was honestly horrible of us because if things were reversed and it was a man flirting with a woman who was working for him, we would be all over that. She even admitted that and apologized that she would stop, but the other guys said it was karma because that guy was always ribbing everyone else and pulling pranks.

So… He was getting his just desserts in the form of a very sexy woman pushing his buttons.

“I was hoping we could study?” Kelton muttered, bringing me back around. “I’ve got a paper to work on and—”

“And you didn’t want to leave me alone right now,” I cut in, wanting him to just admit it.

“No, no, I didn’t.”

I nodded. Okay, we could work quietly and he wouldn’t push me.

Or so I thought.

Just not in the way I’d thought… Maybe?

I was taking a break from work to do homework—and it wasn’t lost on me that my focus might be a bit backwards when I was a college student as my full-time job. But I had another full-time job, and college kids did work.

Life was complicated.

So we were both sitting on my bed looking over different things when he leaned in and put his head on my shoulder. I chuckled because it was cute.

“I’ll pay you back for the printer ink,” he muttered.

“It’s fine,” I promised, glad I’d gotten a good printer for my room. Going to the computer lab to print out assignments and more was tricky with the way people behaved, especially with the Wicked Challenge going on.

“What are you working on?” he asked as he moved his arm behind me and leaned in closer.

“A project for History of Magic I,” I answered. “How is your paper going?”

“Pretty much all done, but grammar and I will never be friends. I suck at editing my own papers.” He snorted. “Other people’s papers too.”

“I can edit them for you real quick,” I offered. “Grammar and I are friends in that area. My tutors made sure.”

“Thanks, really, I appreciate it. The professors can be dicks about it. Like I get they can’t let it be horrible, but it’s not an English paper so settle down, you know?”

I nodded, thinking that was fair even if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand yet. Then again, for all I knew, Kelton was a disaster and they were making a point that he needed to work on that at his level.

“I will show my appreciation in carnal favors,” he murmured as he kissed my neck.

I turned to tell him that it was fine, but he slanted his mouth over mine. The kiss was soft at first but then he took it up a notch. Not much and it was nice, not really comforting but… Not too much.

It didn’t stay there though, and he moved me to lie down and positioned his body mostly over me. We kept kissing and it was still okay.

Until his hand moved to my breast.

I flinched and broke the kiss, looking away from him and not knowing what to do.

“Bev?” he whispered, moving his hand away. “What’s going on?”

“I killed someone,” I said, thinking he maybe should have understood that. I got upset when his whole body went tense and rolled from under him and slid off the bed.

He moved too and grabbed my wrist but stayed sitting on the bed. I knew he wanted me to look at him, but I couldn’t. “I know. Sorry, I forgot for a minute and just—it felt like we could take a study break and have fun.”

I nodded but wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t mad at him and yeah, my shit wasn’t always on everyone else’s minds like that. I could understand that.

“But you’re allowed to have fun and be normal, Bev.”

I yanked my hand away. “Yeah, but it just happened less than a week ago. So, you know, it’s kinda all I think about. And as everyone repeatedly reminds me, I’m not normal. Kinda hard to balance that out and—”

“I think you maybe need to speak with someone,” he cut in.

I couldn’t hide my hurt, tears burning in my eyes as I stepped away from him like he’d slapped me.

“Wait, sorry, that came out wrong,” he whispered as he stood. His eyes looked a bit panicked as it sunk in how he’d fucked up.

Or maybe that he’d said it out loud?

“Please leave,” I whispered, feeling cold all over. I rubbed my hands over my arms and took another step back. “I’d like you to leave.”

“Wait, please, I will, but just let me explain. That was not about me wanting to make out with my girlfriend and being emotionally abusive because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I’m not that guy.”

“I hope not,” I mumbled. I didn’t think so, but honestly… How well did I know any of them?

“Bev, please look at me. Let me explain and then I’ll go,” he begged me.

I blinked back tears and did as he asked. “Fine, as long as you go after.”

He swallowed loudly, reacting like I’d hit him this time. “I think anyone would need to speak with a professional after accidentally killing someone, especially in such extreme circumstances like that. You went through a serious trauma. But this has also been on my mind since we put on that show at lunch. You’ve been through too much and—you were a prisoner.

“All of what you said isn’t healthy, and I was thinking of how to help. I realized I can’t help you the way you need. I don’t know that any of us can without making it worse like Wyatt accidentally kept doing. I was going to bring it up. I was. It just came out because—your response to being kissed worried me. That was…”

He was scared. It was all over his face. My saying that I’d killed someone as the reason I didn’t want to make out scared him.

I just didn’t understand why.

But I did know one thing… I wanted him to go.

I let out a slow breath as I stared at the wall. “I heard you. I don’t even disagree, but given I’m getting out of bed and not a sobbing mess every second of every day—other people think I’m doing pretty damn well. I don’t like how this played out and feeling…” I wasn’t really sure.

This was another time that I wasn’t socialized enough to handle this.

I snorted when I had a snarky thought that he probably wanted me to work on that in therapy. And that was the last thing I needed to have floating around in my brain right now. “Just go.”

“Bev, wait, I don’t want to leave like this and—”

That pissed me off and I went over to the door. “Well, I want you to, and what I want matters. So get out. You said if I heard you out that you would leave. Were you just placating me or—”

“No, no , I wasn’t,” he said firmly as he moved around the room and packed up his stuff. “I wouldn’t do that. I was saying that I thought we should talk more and I didn’t like leaving you this upset. I’m sorry.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to say something nasty that I hadn’t been upset like this before seeing him so I didn’t know how him staying around would help. That thought made me mentally flinch.

Since when was I so vicious and wanted to hurt other people like that when I hurt?

I snapped back to what was going on when he stopped in front of me.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m really sorry that I hurt you. You believe me that I didn’t mean it how it came out, right?”

“Yeah.”

He let out a shuddering breath. “No, you don’t. You said that so I’ll leave. Don’t lie to me, Bev.”

I met his gaze and blinked back tears. “Then don’t make me feel like I’m not safe enough to be honest with you or it won’t be used against me.”

He swallowed loudly and I saw tears fill his eyes as well. “That’s not what I meant to do, sweetie. I’m sorry.” He closed his mouth but then opened it again. He didn’t say anything and ripped open the door instead.

I felt better after he left even if I felt bad for taking that shot at him. That probably wasn’t fair.

But to have him throw all of this in my face—or even feel like he did—when I was in this position because I’d saved his brother was… Fucked.

I wasn’t sure there was another way to put it besides fucked.

Though I did agree with him that I needed to talk about what happened. Even what just happened right now with him.

I texted Tracey that I wanted to come home and get some work done and that was where I’d be. She said she’d send one of the guards to Morrigan’s guard station to pick me up and bring me home. That was our new procedure now so I didn’t keep having to ask for favors to be circled home, and we didn’t trust the school with the location of my house.

Underpaid employees were the easiest kind to be bought off by bad people. I knew that well given the family I was born to.

I recognized Taylor’s guy and thanked him for coming. He nodded and set the circle to take us to the gate of my house. All of the guards couldn’t circle to the property. That could be a problem as well, so—we were taking as many precautions as possible, but it was all a balancing act for sure.

Ten minutes later I was sitting on the cleared-out area for a huge terrace and patio we were putting in. There was also going to be an addition in the spring for a sunroom, home gym, and indoor pool. Tracey and Jasmine both loved swimming, and given the problems they could have going to the gym and in public spaces… It was honestly more cost-efficient.

Bodyguards were fucking expensive. Having them to go with them both for several hours a week so they could use the gym facilities—yeah, better to put on an addition and get what we needed at home.

Plus, then I could have access to the treadmill I really liked that my parents had. The school didn’t have the same funds, so they weren’t as great. That seemed spoiled, but when someone ran as much as I did—I needed the top gear.

Which reminded me that I needed more running shoes. I really did go through them too fast.

“How do you like the outdoor ottomans, Tracey picked out?” Woodchuck asked after I sat down on one. I’d pulled the other over to have all of my supplies on since there wasn’t much else out there in the dug-out and leveled area.

“They’re nice,” I told her, wiggling my butt on it. “I might want like a pillow topper if I have a bunch of sessions back-to-back.”

“But you need to get up and move around too,” Bubba told me.

“True,” I agreed. I’d been shocked that the tiger was there, but Sergey and Nina were taking a walk around the lake and their familiars harvesting.

There were actually a lot of familiars at my house. That was the new norm since they liked the place and vibe—they had friends there, so even if they weren’t harvesting, it was a good place for them to hang out.

I didn’t mind. It brought more life to the land as long they obeyed the rules and didn’t eat all of the animals.

So that was how I had over a dozen familiars sitting there with me while I worked on toys that we needed to get out. I asked them how they were doing and listened to them talk, ramble on about different things.

It was funny when Bubba cut a few off and reminded them that others wanted a chance to talk with me too. The tiger really was so awesome with boundaries and being able to say what he needed or how people should behave. It was really nice if I was honest.

Great, now I was jealous of a familiar.

“I thought you had to really concentrate to do that,” Woodchuck worried as I finished up another set for Keke to finish.

“Not anymore,” I assured her. “I lose the conversation now and again, but it’s much easier now that I’m doing it more often and have regular magic coming in. This is good practice for me though on how to focus and balance.”

I snorted. Yeah, I hadn’t been doing great in the balancing area lately. That was for sure.

I listened to them a bit more before Bubba cut them off again and asked me what I needed to talk about because clearly I did and was a well-mannered girl who checked on others first. I blinked back tears that he knew that about me.

“Why didn’t Kelton just ask me if I needed to talk?” I rasped, quickly wiping my eyes when a few tears fell on the bird toys I was working on. I sniffled and let out a slow breath. “I think I’m mad at him. Maybe his family too. Rita said it wasn’t fair to make the decision for him about not dating, that he was man enough to know what he wanted.

“I don’t disagree with that, but… I’m allowed to say that I don’t want the baggage, right? I should have been able to say that I didn’t want the responsibility of someone who had family easily in the line of fire. Sergey and Nina are different. They’re already there. Nina’s ready for that. She has been for over two decades.

“Kevin was on a corrupt police force and I knew that. I knew how bad it was. I knew he had friends and some of them could absolutely be corrupt. He brought one to the factory. It was like kicking a puppy telling him later that his friend was bought. He didn’t believe it. Isn’t it fair that I can say that’s too complicated for me?”

“Yes,” several of them said, but Bubba went on. “But that is not what you said. You said you were sorry and you couldn’t risk him. That—it is fair what Nina, Kevin, and Kelton all said at that time given what you said.”

I thought about that a moment. “Yeah, okay, that makes more sense.” I nodded. That was what I needed to hear—that framing. “Thanks. I’m just all over the place and feel too—it’s all really complicated.”

“Is this about what happened with Kelton?” Woodchuck asked. “Tell us what happened, Bev.”

So I did. I felt better when they were upset too and that he had behaved badly. “I get why people are such a mess on social media and so many of my classmates lash out so fast.”

“I don’t understand the jump in topics, gorgeous,” Teddy said. He was there because Winter needed magic gathered for a big project coming up and Tracey said it was fine for him to stay there a few days and get it done. “But I want to give you a hug.”

“Once I’m done working,” I promised. I sighed, thinking of how to phrase it. “Everyone’s weighing in on everything and like—how I grew up wasn’t healthy. I get that, but honestly it was kind of peaceful. I feel overloaded all of the time. And why do people think I want their opinions on everything? Even the people I like?

“I didn’t fucking ask them. I didn’t ask them if they think I did well or if I’m handling this okay. I didn’t ask them to—I have people yelling at me not to do something so dangerous again. Okay, so are you just going to criticize or do you have a helpful suggestion? What should I have done instead? That would be helpful.

“If someone like Taylor told me what to do instead next time, that would be great. Instead, people are just giving me their fucking opinions that I didn’t ask for . I don’t do that to them. And they all conflict. I did well. I messed up. I shouldn’t do that. I did the right thing. Like—what the fuck? Oh, and I’m handling this well or I need to not think about it.

“Oh, just not think about it? Sure, why didn’t I come up with that on my own? Where’s that button or off switch? Do you have anything helpful? Maybe like how not to do that? How not to see his face when I try to sleep or feel that fear again? That horror when I saw him being put into the body bag? No, just your opinions and judgments?”

“Well, that’s fucking great and of no use. Honestly, it’s just pissing me off and making me want to lash out. I wanted to hurt Kelton because he hurt me and that’s not like me. Well, part of that was because now I won’t feel comfortable telling him things because apparently he’ll just tell me to get therapy. Yeah, that’s helpful too.

“But I just—I give my opinions because people ask me for help. I give them my advice because they’ve asked and I have knowledge on the topic. I don’t just walk up to people and tell them how to harvest magic better. Or that they need to do a list of things for their familiar or how they’re dressing is gross. Because my opinion doesn’t matter.

“So yeah, I get why people are all messed up on social media and women have no self-esteem if this is how they’re treated out in the real world.” I swallowed loudly. “And I cannot believe that I’m wishing to be locked up again. Wow, that’s where I’m at.”

“You are not,” Teddy said firmly, the others agreeing. “You want peace and a little less input. Winter’s felt the same a lot. You’re feeling exactly what he’s felt and that sometimes the peace of loneliness is easier than the chaos of friends.”

“Sergey is the same,” Bubba agreed. “He and Nina were too isolated, and adjusting to school was hard for him. It is why he does not have many friends. Also, too many try to use him for everything. You are blessed with good people, Bevin. I know that’s hard right now, but they all truly want to help you.”

“Yeah, I know,” I sighed. “But there has to be a way to tell people to seriously back off without me being the jerk. The hovering and watching me like they’re waiting for me to break doesn’t help. I know I keep breaking, but—how could he throw going to therapy like that in my face?”

“He was a jerk and he will apologize,” Woodchuck comforted, moving onto the ottoman with me. “None of this is easy, and it was his brother who could have died.”

We talked about it for a while and just even the pressure of having two full-time jobs plus catching up on magic I should have already learned. And then there were all of the extras I was doing for free. I was stretched too thin, and if people weren’t going to truly help, then I wanted them to fuck off.

“I don’t know if I was supposed to hear that as a hint or—” a deep voice said from behind me.

I let out a full scream while turning around to see who it was so fast that I fell off the ottoman.

Ouch.

Fuck.