Page 47

46

ALLISON

A llison is sitting on a cold hard exam table in a paper gown at the clinic where Emma has brought her to see Emma’s friend, Charlotte, who is a nurse practitioner. The older woman is married to Russell and Curtis’s C.O. She trembles not only because it’s cold in the room, but from the thoughts of having to be examined by a virtual stranger. Allison had met Charlotte when Curtis’s team had come to San Diego a couple years ago, but she doesn’t know Charlotte all that well.

Allison hadn’t wanted to come to the clinic, even though she knew she needed to see someone, but Emma had insisted. For the last week, not only has Allison been having to pee every hour, but she has woken up sick as hell, throwing her toenails up. She shivers just remembering how violently she’d vomited this morning, making her feel sick all over again. The nausea has been almost constant, only giving her short reprieves.

In addition to the nausea, she has been so damn tired. She can’t seem to get enough sleep. The fatigue must be related to her waking to pee or from nightmares every hour or from the nosebleeds, which she’s had three of in the last week. She’s never had them before which is concerning and warrants a trip to the doctor, but she doesn’t like the feeling of vulnerability being at the doctor brings. However, she is on the other side of the country from where she’s used to living. As a child she’d had terrible allergies which had gotten better when she’d moved out west. Allison feels certain it’s just because the air is different here.

Allison snorts out a laugh at that thought. “What’s so funny?” Emma asks from her chair in the corner of the room where she’s thumbing through a magazine.

“I was just thinking the air is too clean here. There’s no smog, but lots of pollen. My body can’t take it,” Allison says with a smirk. “That’s why I’m having nose bleeds and sleepy as a newborn.” Emma frowns at her, giving her a look that she’s being ridiculous.

Before Emma can scold her, the door opens and in walks a very pretty woman in a lab coat, Charlotte. She isn’t very tall around 5’ 4” with wavy brown hair, which Allison suspects she dyes to keep it from being gray. Allison knows Charlotte is in her early-fifties.

“Hi, Emma!” Charlotte says when she notices Emma in the corner. Emma gets to her feet and gives Charlotte a hug, who looks up to see Allison sitting on the exam table. “Allison, it’s good to see you again.”

“You, too, Charlotte,” Allison replies. “I’m sorry to bother you, but Emma insisted.” Emma is convinced Allison is depressed or suffering from PTSD, which possibly she is, but that doesn’t explain all of her symptoms. Allison thinks this is something more than just trying to cope with everything that’s happened to her since Emma’s wedding a month ago. God! Has it only been a month?

“It’s no bother, Allison,” Charlotte chides. “I wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances. Now, tell me what’s been going on?” Allison gives Charlotte a list of her symptoms. Emma jumps in from time to time, adding her observations and her concerns to the story. When she’s finished, Charlotte looks thoughtful as she reviews Allison’s chart.

“Let me check you over,” Charlotte says as she moves closer, removing her stethoscope from around her neck to place it in her ears. “I think we need to get some lab work, a urine sample, and a thorough physical exam. When was your last physical?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” Allison answers, squinting her eyes as she tries to remember. “I suppose when I saw my GYN last, about three or four years ago, maybe?” Charlotte gives Allison a classic ‘you should know better’ mom glare.

“Yes, we definitely need to do a complete physical and gynecological exam.” Allison groans. This is one of the many reasons she doesn’t like seeing a healthcare provider. You have to get naked and then they poke and prod you. The instruments are always so cold and uncomfortable.

Thirty minutes later, her exam is over and all the samples have been collected. Charlotte had asked Emma to wait in the lobby during Allison’s exam. Allison sits up, tucking her paper gown around her as best she can, attempting to hide her nakedness. Even though she doesn’t know why she’s worried about it. After the pelvic exam, Charlotte has seen her most intimate of places. Charlotte removes her gloves moving to the sink to wash her hands. She’d been so kind and gentle with Allison during her exam. The water at the sink shuts off and Charlotte turns to face her.

“Allison, is the date you gave for your last menstrual cycle correct?” Allison frowns, but nods. She is certain because she’d been worried it would be ‘that time’ at Emma’s wedding, but it had come two weeks prior. “You realize you’re late?”

Allison looks down at the floor, nodding. It’s been in the back of her mind for days, but she hasn’t wanted to think about it. Before Charlotte can say it, Allison knows what Charlotte is going to say. “I’ve ordered lab confirmation, but from your history and physical exam, I believe your symptoms are related to pregnancy.”

Allison goes still, not breathing for several seconds only to begin to hyperventilate. It can’t be true! Even as she thinks it, she knows Charlotte is correct. Allison’s hands begin to shake and tingle, her vision dims. “Put your head down between your knees, honey,” Charlotte’s voice comes to her from far away, like she’s at the far end of a tunnel. Charlotte presses her hand between Allison’s shoulder blades forcing her head down. Then she hands Allison a brown paper bag and instructs her to breathe into it, all the while coaxing her to slow her breathing.

It takes her a couple of minutes to get herself under control. Her face is wet with tears and snot is dripping from her nose. Charlotte hands her some tissues. “Feeling better?” Allison slowly sits up, nodding while wiping her face clean. There’s a knock on the door of the exam room. Charlotte moves to the door and speaks quietly with a nurse for a few minutes. Then she comes back to Allison’s side.

“The test is positive. I take it this was…unexpected?” Allison nods, unwilling to attempt speaking just yet.

“Do you know who the father is?” Allison is again nodding, not feeling any judgement from Charlotte by her questioning. “Will he be supportive?” Allison can feel the blood leaving her face just thinking about telling Russell.

“Please, you can’t tell anyone, especially Emma!” Allison exclaims. “Promise me you won’t tell her.” Allison can feel her panic rising again.

Charlotte lays a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You have nothing to worry about,” Charlotte assures her. “HIPPA laws prevent me from speaking about you, your diagnosis, or your test results with anyone other than you without your permission. I won’t violate that.”

“Thank you,” Allison lets out a shuddering breath, sagging in relief. “I know you won’t. I just panicked for a second. My parents will be mortified. Having a child out of wedlock is horrendous in their eyes.”

“I’m sorry, honey. I know it isn’t ideal, but your parents should be happy to have another life join your family. Now, not to pry, but you’re Emma’s cousin and Emma is family so that makes you family,” Charlotte continues. “Will you have support from the father?” Allison’s eyes fill with tears again.

“I know if I tell him, yes, he will be supportive, at least, he’ll want to do the ‘right’ thing,” —Allison makes air quotes— “but this isn’t something either of us were expecting.” Allison puts her head in her hands as she tries to compose herself.

“It was an accident. I’m not on birth control because of side effects from the hormones. We used a condom, but it broke.” Emma confesses. “I’d planned to get a morning after pill, but when I got to San Diego I was taken and held for three days. When I got free that was the last thing on my mind and I was well past the 48-hour window to take it, anyway.” Charlotte rubs her back in small comforting circles.

“Russell is the father?” Allison’s head shoots up fast, causing her to feel dizzy all over again. “I shouldn’t pry, but I couldn’t help but notice how close the two of you seemed to be getting at the wedding.” Allison nods, because she knows it’s true. They hadn’t really tried to hide their attraction for one another. “He will be a good father and a partner for you.”

“No, you don’t understand. I can’t tell him,” Allison states firmly. “He has so much on him already. He has his job here, and he looks after his mom and his sisters. I just can’t tell him. Please, don’t judge me for not telling him,” Allison is again pleading. “I know without a doubt he’d do the right thing. He’d want us to get married and raise the baby together, but not because he loves me or this baby. I don’t want him to be with me out of obligation. He has enough of that with his mom and his sisters.”

“You love him.” Charlotte gives her a sympathetic look. “Yet, you’re afraid to tell him and find out if he loves you in return.” More tears pour down Allison’s face as she nods her agreement. “You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

“I know, but I can’t. I won’t!” Allison declares, finality in her tone. “I won’t make him feel trapped. It would be a miserable life for both of us and this child. I care too much for him to put him through that. His job is here and I live in San Diego. Literally, we are on opposite sides of the country! Oh my God! What am I going to do?” She’s sobbing again. Her heart is in tatters all over again.

“Shh honey, everything will be okay,” Charlotte coos, rubbing her back softly. “Look, you don’t have to decide anything right this minute. Give yourself some time to digest this and think about what you want. There are options we can discuss when you’re ready.”

Allison’s head jerks up to look at Charlotte. “I’m not having an abortion!” Allison declares vehemently. “I might not have planned to have a baby, but I will take responsibility for it. Not only that, but my parents would be devastated if I did that. They are deeply religious and don’t believe women should even have the option.” Allison shudders thinking about how hurt and upset they are going to be with her for getting pregnant out of marriage, but more than that, she can’t imagine ending her baby’s life before it has a chance to begin. She’d never make anyone feel badly for making that choice, but for her…it isn’t something she could live with.

“There are other options, Allison,” Charlotte replies calmly. “Adoption is a good choice if you don’t feel you can care for the child and you don’t want to have an abortion, but you would need to tell Russell. It’s his child, too. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but if you want to give the baby up, then you should tell him. If you decide to keep the baby, you should still tell him, but either way, we are all here to help you. You aren’t alone, Allison.”

Allison lays a protective hand over her lower abdomen where the child she and Russell have created is growing. She hadn’t planned on becoming a mother, but even without thinking about it, she can’t imagine giving her child away. She will get through this. They , her and the baby, will get through this. She isn’t alone. Emma would never judge her and will without a doubt be there for her. She vows, sitting there in her paper gown, to love and protect her child with everything she has. She’ll be the best damn mother a child could ever ask for, so help her!

“Thank you, Charlotte, for seeing me. I’m going to take a few days to think everything over and decide what I need to do. I know it will be hard for you to not say anything about what you know. I appreciate your dedication to your patients.”

“You’re welcome, honey. And I meant what I said, we are all here for you. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. The women in our circle will rally around you.” Charlotte pulls a business card with her name and office number on it from the pocket of her lab coat. She flips it over and writes another number on it before handing it to Allison. “This is my cell number. Call or text me anytime you have questions or concerns.”

“Thank you!” Allison throws her arms around Charlotte giving her a fierce hug. “I’ll stay in touch.”

“Please, do. I’ll step out and let you get dressed.” Charlotte leaves the room. Allison hurries to get her clothes on. A few minutes later she exits the exam room and finds Emma in the lobby, who stands immediately, hurrying to her side.

“Are you all right?” Emma asks worriedly. She gives Allison a scrutinizing look. “Ali! You’ve been crying. Please, tell me what’s wrong?” Allison shakes her head.

“We’ll talk about it later. I’m still taking in what she told me,” Allison replies, trying not to sound harsh. “I promise I’m not dying. We will talk when I’ve had some time alone to think, okay?” Emma nods, not pushing Allison for more, which makes Allison love her all the more. Emma is the best cousin closer than a sister, ever.

Three days later…

“Emma?” Allison calls out when she hears the front door open and close. “Are you home?” Emma had left for work early this morning, but she usually works 12-hour shifts. She shouldn’t be home for another couple of hours.

“Hey Allison,” Curtis says, entering the living room where she is curled up on the couch with a book. “It’s just me.” Allison tenses, peering past Curtis’s muscled shoulders, looking for any sign of Russell. “You can relax. He isn’t here,” Curtis informs her with a frown, looking a bit perplexed on what to say next. They haven’t really spent any time together without Emma. They are practically strangers.

Curtis takes a seat in the large recliner across from her. “How are you feeling?” Allison smiles at the worry she hears in his voice. She might not know him well, but Curtis is a kind, caring man. She is happy Emma has him in her life. In the time she’s lived here with them, he has more than shown his love and devotion to Emma.

“I’m doing okay,” Allison says with a shrug of her shoulders. “I’m not going to be running a marathon anytime soon, but at least I know what’s wrong with me; why I’m feeling this way.” Curtis nods, though he looks even more curious. Allison knows he is dying to ask what is wrong, but he’s too polite to do so. Emma has also skirted around her the last few days, not prying as to what is wrong with her.

“May I ask you something?” Curtis inquires. His voice soft and low as if he’s afraid he will spook her. “You don’t have to answer,” he hurries to continue before she can respond. “I just thought we could talk while we wait for Emma to get home.”

“Of course,” Allison agrees, tucking her bookmark into the book before closing it. More than certain she knows what he is going to ask her.

“Do you like living in San Diego?” Allison’s brow shoots up to her hairline. That is not what she was expecting him to ask her about. “I just wondered. You’re out there all alone. No family close by.”

“For the most part I do like it,” Allison answers. “It is lonely sometimes when I’m not busy with a story. I have a few friends who I hang out with at times, but no one who I’m really close to. That’s why Emma and I spend an hour a day on the phone.” She chuckles. Curtis smiles back at her with a nod.

“What about your job? You’re a freelance journalist, right? You could work from anywhere?” Allison frowns. Her curiosity is ramping up, wondering where this line of questioning is going. She suspects he is hinting that she could move here, but why? For Emma so they can be closer together? Or does it have to do with Russell?

“Yeah, I suppose I could work from anywhere,” Allison admits. “I settled there because I finished my journalism degree at UC San Diego. I fell in love with the city and decided to stay.”

“Have you thought about moving back here? I know Emma would love to have you closer.”

“I have, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” Allison murmurs. There’s so much more she could say, but not to Curtis. She needs to save that for her conversation with Emma. Curtis nods, looking thoughtful.

“Want to help me get dinner ready?” Curtis stands abruptly, changing the subject. Allison blinks at him with bewilderment for a second.

“Yeah, I’d be glad to help.” Allison stands up to follow him into the kitchen, but a wave of dizziness hits her. She sways on her feet before sitting back down on the couch, hard. Her hands fly out to the sides, gripping the couch to ground her. She closes her eyes, willing the room to stop spinning.

“Whoa!” Curtis shouts, hurrying to her side and kneeling in front of her. “Are you okay?” Allison nods. The dizziness has eased now that she’s sat back down. That has happened several times in the last couple of days. She’d texted Charlotte who had assured her it can be normal during pregnancy, saying her body is adjusting to a different blood volume. Charlotte advised she should take her time when going from laying to sitting and sitting to standing, but Allison keeps forgetting. This is going to take some getting used to.

“I’m fine,” Allison assures him, “just got a little dizzy for a moment.” Curtis doesn’t look convinced. Consequently, he hovers close by when she attempts to stand again. Once it’s clear she isn’t going to pass out, they head into the kitchen. “What are we having for dinner?”

“I thought I’d grill some steaks,” Curtis informs her, moving toward the refrigerator. “Do you mind putting together a salad? I’m going to steam some broccoli and put sweet potatoes in the oven. Emma loves baked sweet potatoes.”

Allison giggles. “Oh, I know. I do, too.” Allison smiles as memories of their childhood comes flooding back to her. “Our grandmother used to make them for us when we were kids. She’d have us help her wash them and place them on a baking sheet. She’d place them in the oven and we’d drive her crazy asking how much longer until they were done.” Curtis laughs with her.

“I can just see the two of you, dancing around, begging for them to be done.” Curtis is grinning at her. “Emma showed me pictures of the two of you when you were kids.”

“Oh God! I’m sure we looked like a couple of dorks, because we totally were!” Allison is laughing hard at her memories. Curtis pulls a large bag of baking potatoes, along with several large sweet potatoes from the wooden box that sits just inside the pantry. The box is a deep, rich walnut color and is labeled, ‘potatoes’ in fancy carved lettering.

Allison helps Curtis get the potatoes washed and wrapped in aluminum foil. “This is a lot of potatoes for the three of us. I don’t think we need to fix so many,” Allison comments when Curtis adds more Irish potatoes to the counter.

“Um, we have some friends coming for dinner,” Curtis answers, vaguely. Allison groans inwardly. She hopes Russell isn’t among the friends, but knows that he likely will be. Looks like she’ll be eating dinner in her room.

“I’m going out to start the grill heating,” Curtis informs her. Allison looks up as he heads out the back door. She notices the meat on the counter where Curtis has been seasoning the steaks. He has more than enough steaks for just the three of them reinforcing his statement about having friends over. From the looks of it, the whole team must be coming over.

Allison is sitting on a stool at the island cutting up vegetables, when there’s a loud, ding dong! The doorbell ringing, startles Allison, causing her to shake all over, her heart beating a bit faster. Taking her time, Allison slides off the stool and heads for the door. She peeks out the side window and sees several of Curtis’s friends standing on the front porch including Russell. Allison groans, rolling her eyes. She’d known this day was coming. The day she’d have to see him again, but she’d hoped to put it off another couple of days.

Allison has spent the last few days thinking of nothing, but Russell, her relationship with him, her pregnancy, and how to move forward. Last night, she’d made her decision, though she isn’t sure she is ready to put it into motion yet. It seems destiny has other plans. It is time to shit or get off the pot as they say. Sucking in a deep breath, she opens the door. “Hi, guys,” Allison murmurs, opening the door wide so the large men can squeeze through the opening.