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“No, I’m still coming. I just need to go to Seattle and say goodbye to Kim and—” I want to tell him about my appointment, but I don’t think I’m ready to face that just yet. Nothing is certain, but I’d rather not think about it just yet.
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to go, I’ll understand if you want to stay here, with him.” Landon’s voice is so kind, so understanding, that I can’t help but throw my arms around his shoulders.
“You are amazing; you know that, right?” I smile up at him. “I haven’t changed my mind. I want to do this; I have to do this for myself.”
“When are you going to tell him? What do you think he will do?”
I haven’t put much thought into what Hardin will do when I tell him my plans to move across the country. I don’t have time to let Hardin’s opinion shape my plans, not anymore.
“I honestly don’t know how he will react. Up until my father’s funeral, I don’t think he would have cared one bit.”
Landon nods noncommittally. Then noises from the kitchen break our silence, and I’m reminded that I haven’t congratulated him on the news.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that your mother is pregnant!” I exclaim, thankful for the easy subject change.
“I know, I’m sorry. She just told me, and you’ve been keeping yourself locked in that room.” He smiles, gently teasing me.
“Are you sad that you’re leaving now with a baby sibling on the way?” I briefly wonder if Landon likes being an only child. We have only discussed it a few times, but he always avoids talking about his father, so the attention was quickly directed back to me each time.
“A little. I’m just worried how my mom will handle the pregnancy alone. And I’ll miss her and Ken, but I’m ready for this.” He smiles at me. “I think I am, at least.”
I nod with assurance. “We will be fine. Especially you; you’ve already been accepted. I’m moving there without knowing if I will even get in. I’ll just be floating around New York without being enrolled, and I’ll have no job and—”
Landon’s hand covers my mouth, and he laughs. “I feel that same panic when I think about the change, but I force myself to focus on the positives.”
“Which are?” I mumble against his hand.
“Well, it’s New York. That’s all I’ve gotten so far,” he admits with a deep laugh, and I find myself smiling from ear to ear as Karen joins us in the hallway.
“I’ll miss that sound when you two leave,” she says, her eyes shining under the lights.
Ken walks up behind her and places a kiss on the back of her head. “We all will.”
Chapter forty-six
HARDIN
When I answer the knock at my door, I don’t bother trying to hide my disappointment when I’m greeted with Ken’s awkward smile instead of the girl I want.
He stands there, clearly waiting for permission to enter. “I wanted to talk to you about the baby,” he says tentatively.
I knew this was coming, and much to my disappointment, there is no way to avoid this shit. “Come in, then.” I move out of his way, sitting down in the chair next to the desk. I have no fucking clue what he’s going to say, or what I’m going to say, or how this will end up, but I can’t see it going well.
Ken doesn’t sit down. He just stands by the dresser with his hands shoved into the pockets of his gray dress slacks. The fact that the gray matches the stripes on his tie and he’s wearing a black sweater vest just screams, I’m the chancellor at an accredited university! But looking past that, I see the worry in his brown eyes and how his brows are knitted together. He’s fumbling with his hands in such a pathetic way that I just want to put him out of his misery.
“I’m fine. I know you probably assumed I’d be breaking shit and throwing a tantrum, but, honestly, I don’t care if you’re having a baby,” I finally say.
He sighs, not looking relieved as I had sort of hoped he would. “It’s okay if you are a little upset about it. I know it’s unexpected, and I know how you feel about me. I just hope this doesn’t make your ill feelings toward me grow.” He looks down at the floor, and I find myself wishing Tessa were here next to me, instead of wherever with Karen. I need to see her before she leaves. I promised to give her space, but I didn’t expect this father-son moment to be thrown at me.
“You know nothing of how I feel about you.” Hell, I don’t think I even know how I feel about him.
His patience with me is never ending as he says, “I hope this doesn’t change or take away from any of the progress we’ve made. I know I have a lot to make up for, but I really hope you’ll allow me to keep trying.”
When I hear that, I feel a kinship between us that I hadn’t before. We are both fuck-ups; both of us have been led by stupid decisions and addictions, and I’m pissed that I got this trait from being raised by him. If Vance had raised me, I wouldn’t be this way. I wouldn’t be so fucked-up inside. I wouldn’t have been afraid of my dad’s coming home drunk, and I wouldn’t have sat on the floor with my mum for hours while she wept and bled and struggled to stay conscious after the beating she endured because of his mistakes.
Anger simmers inside me, humming in my veins, and I’m two breaths away from calling for Tessa. I need her at times like this—well, I need her always—but especially now. I need her soft voice to speak encouraging words. I need her light to push against the shadows inside my mind.