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“Okay, I need a few minutes anyway.” Hardin pulls his hair back and drops the messy fringe onto his neck. This is the longest his hair has been since I met him. I like it this way, but sort of miss being able to see the traces of ink that peek up from the neckline of his shirt.
“A few minutes away from me?” I ask before considering how desperate the question sounds.
“Yes. You did just tell me that you are moving across the country and I lost my temper with Landon. I need a few minutes to sort through the shit going on in my head.”
“Okay, I understand.” I do understand. He’s handling this much better than I expected, and the last thing I should do is jump into bed with Hardin and neglect settling things with Landon.
“I’m going to take a shower,” he tells me as I walk into the hallway.
My mind is still in the bedroom with Hardin, pressed against the wall, living in the distraction as I go downstairs. With each step, the ghost of his touch lessens, and when I walk into the dining room, Karen moves from Landon’s side and Ken gestures for her to leave the room with him. She offers me a small smile and a gentle squeeze of my hand as she passes.
“Hey.” I pull a chair out and sit down next to Landon, but he stands just as I take my seat.
“Not now, Tessa,” he snaps, and goes into the living room.
Confused by his harsh tone, I miss a beat. Apparently I’m missing more than that, though.
“Landon . . .” I stand up and follow him into the living room. “Wait!” I shout at his back.
He stops walking. “I’m sorry, but this isn’t working anymore.”
“What’s not working?” I tug at his long-sleeved shirt to stop him from walking away from me.
Without turning around, he says, “This thing between you and Hardin. It was okay when it was only affecting the two of you, but now you’re dragging everyone else into it, and that’s not fair.”
The anger in his voice cuts deep, and it takes me a moment to remember that he’s talking to me. Landon has always been supportive and kind, and I never expected to hear this from him.
“I’m sorry, Tessa, but you know I’m right. You guys can’t keep bringing all this here. My mom is pregnant now, and that scene could have done real damage to her nerves. You guys go back and forth between Seattle and here, fighting in both cities and everywhere in between.”
Ouch.
I struggle for words, not that any great ones come to mind. “I know, I’m so sorry for what just happened—I didn’t mean for any of that to happen, Landon. I had to tell him about New York, I couldn’t keep it from him. I thought he handled it really well.” I stop when my voice breaks. I’m confused and panicked because Landon is upset with me. I knew he wasn’t happy with Hardin’s putting his hands on him, but I didn’t expect this.
Landon spins to look at me. “He ‘handled it well’? He slammed me against the wall . . .” Landon sighs and pushes the sleeves of his shirt up his elbows, taking a couple of breaths. “He did, I guess. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t becoming more and more of a problem. You guys can’t travel the world breaking up and getting back together. If it doesn’t work in one city, why would you think it would work in another?”
“I know that; that’s why I’m coming to New York with you. I needed to figure myself out, alone. Well, without Hardin. That was the whole point behind it.”
Landon shakes his head. “Without Hardin? You think he’s going to let you go to New York without him? He will either come with you, or you’ll stay here, fighting like this.”
Those words, and the ones he rattles off next, make my heart sink in my chest.
Everyone always says the same things about my relationship with Hardin. Hell, I make the same points. I’ve heard it all before, many times, but as Landon throws them at me, one after another, it’s different. It’s different, and it means more and hurts more and makes me doubt everything, more.
“I really am sorry, Landon.” I feel like I could cry. “I know I drag everyone into our mess, and I’m so sorry for that. I don’t mean to—I don’t mean for it to be this way, especially with you. You’re my best friend. I never want you to feel like that.”
“Yeah, well, I do. And a lot of other people do, too, Tessa.” His words are sharp and puncture me in that one place I had left, the only untouched, clean place inside me, which was reserved for Landon and his loving friendship. That sacred little place was essentially all I had left when it came to the people around me. It was my safety spot, and now it’s dark, like its surroundings.
“I’m sorry.” My voice comes out as a broken whine, and I’m convinced that my mind hasn’t caught up with the fact that Landon is the person saying these things to me.
“I just . . . I thought you were on our side?” I ask, simply because I have to. I have to know if it’s truly as hopeless as it seems.
He takes a deep breath and releases it. “I’m sorry, too, but tonight was too much. My mom being pregnant and Ken trying to fix things with Hardin, me moving, it’s too much. This is our family, and it needs to come together. You aren’t helping that.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, because I don’t know what else to say. I can’t argue with him, I can’t even disagree with him, because he’s right. This is their family, not mine. No matter how much I try to pretend that it’s my family, I’m disposable here. I’ve been disposable in every place that I’ve tried to settle since I left my mother’s house.