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He raises a blond brow at me. “So?”
“I’m leaving. I need to give her some space.” I wonder just how the actual fuck I got myself into this situation to begin with. I’m a fucking idiot, that’s how. My stupidity is incomparable. Except for my fathers’, my mum’s, too, I suppose. I must get this stupidity from them. The three of them must be where I acquired the need to sabotage myself, to destroy the only good in my life.
I could blame them.
I could, but blaming everyone else hasn’t gotten me anywhere so far. Maybe it’s time I do something different.
“Space? I didn’t know you knew the word,” Noah tries to joke. He must notice my glare, because he quickly adds, “If you need anything—I don’t know what that could be, but just anything in general—you can call me.” He awkwardly glances around the vast living room of his family home, and I stare at the wall behind him to avoid looking at him.
After an uncomfortable back-and-forth with Noah and more than a few nervous glances from Mrs. Porter, I take my small bag and head out of the house. I don’t have shit with me, just this tiny bag of a few dirty clothes and my cell-phone charger. Even worse, much to my annoyance, it’s only now, now that I’m outside in the drizzling rain, that I remember where my car is. Fuck.
I could walk down to Tessa’s mum’s and catch a ride with Ken if he’s still there, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. If I get anywhere near her, if I even so much as breathe the same air as my girl, no one will be able to tear me away from her. I let Carol easily dismiss me in the greenhouse, but that won’t be happening again. I was so close to breaking through to Tessa. I felt it, and I know she did, too. I saw her smile. I saw the empty, sad girl smile for the sad boy who loves her with all of his broken soul.
She still holds enough love for me to waste another smile on me, and that means the fucking world. She’s my fucking world. Maybe, just maybe, if I give her the space she needs for now, she will continue to toss me scraps. I’ll take those scraps with fucking pleasure. A small smile, a one-word text response—hell, if she doesn’t get a restraining order against me, then I’ll gladly settle for anything she can give until I can remind her of what we have together.
Remind her? I suppose it’s not much of a reminder, since I’ve never actually shown her the way I could be. I’ve only been selfish and afraid, letting my fear and self-loathing run the show, always taking my attention from her. I could only focus on myself and my disgusting habit of taking every ounce of her love and trust and throwing it in her face.
The rain is picking up now, and really it’s okay. The rain would usually help me bask in my self-hatred, but not today; today the rain isn’t so bad. It’s almost cleansing.
You know, if I didn’t fucking hate metaphors.
Chapter thirty-six
TESSA
The rain has returned, falling in a heavy, lonely sheet across the lawn. I’m leaning against the window now, staring out at it as if I’m mesmerized by it. I used to like the rain; it was a sort of comfort as a child, and that comfort carried out into my teenage and now adult years, but now it only reflects back the loneliness inside me.
The house has cleared now. Even Landon and his family have gone back home. I can’t seem to decide if I’m happy that they left, or if I’m sad to be alone.
“Hey,” a voice and a soft knock sound at the bedroom door, reminding me that I’m not alone after all.
Zed offered to stay at my mother’s tonight, and I couldn’t turn him down. I sit down near the headboard and wait for him to open the door.
When a few seconds pass and he hasn’t entered the room, I call, “You can come in.”
I guess I’m used to a certain someone barging in before I grant him permission. Not that I ever really minded . . .
Zed enters the small room, dressed in the same clothes he wore to the funeral, only now some of the buttons on his dress shirt are unfastened and his gelled hair has flattened, taking on a softer, more comfortable look.
He takes a seat on the edge of the bed and shifts toward me. “How you feeling?”
“Well, I’m okay. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I answer honestly. I can’t tell him that I’m mourning the loss of two men tonight, not only one.
“Do you want to go somewhere? Or maybe watch a movie or something? To take your mind off of things?”
I take a moment to think about his question. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, even though I probably should. I was fine standing by the window and obsessing over the desolate rain.
“Or we could just talk? I’ve never seen you like this, you aren’t yourself.” Zed rests his hand on my shoulder, and I can’t help but lean into him. It was unfair of me to be so harsh on him earlier today. He was only trying to comfort me; he just said the opposite of what I wanted to hear. It’s not Zed’s fault that I’ve recently taken a turn for Crazyville—it’s mine and mine alone. Population two: only me and my emptiness. It gets its own number, since it’s the only thing left standing with me after the battle.
“Tessa?” Zed’s fingers touch my cheek to gain my attention.
Embarrassed, I shake my head at him. “I’m sorry; I told you, I’m feeling a little mad.” I attempt a smile, and he does the same. He’s worried for me; I can see it in the golden brown of his eyes. I can see it in the weak smile he’s pushing across his full lips.
“It’s all right. You have a lot going on. Come over here.” He pats the empty space next to him, and I scoot closer. “I have something to ask you.” His tanned cheeks give an obvious flush.