Page 17 of Accidentally Joining His Cult (Chicago Awakenings #1)

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Beckett

I ’m fucked.

Tonight was perfect. My team won, we’re going to the semifinals—closer to the cup than we’ve been in years. It was a home win, too, which is always more fun to experience.

And Cody was there.

He was with my family and friends, fitting in like he’s always been part of our lives. Sitting next to me, laughing, smiling, looking at me like I’m something special—it made me so damn happy.

And I. Am. Fucked.

Because how am I supposed to give that up? How do I bring him back to my place, where he wants me to be his first, and then say goodbye tomorrow with no idea when I’ll see him again?

My feelings for Cody have already far surpassed anything I’ve ever felt for anyone else. I’ve never wanted something real.

There was always this nagging fear that someone would be more interested in my last name than in me. But Cody? He wanted to get to know my family because they matter to me, not because of money or influence.

I know that if I fuck him tonight—if I truly know what it feels like to be inside of him instead of just fantasizing about it—I will be a complete goner for this man.

I’m scared I’ll wake up tomorrow and insist on flying back to Montana with him, abandon everything I’ve built here to be with him.

The fear that I’ll have to choose between Cody and my life in Chicago is constant, and even on a night when hockey, my job, and my family and friends were all such positives, I’m afraid that I don’t know what my answer would be.

We’re not even really together; we’re exclusive, but he hasn’t asked to be my boyfriend. He hasn’t talked about wanting more or a future between us. I don’t think it’s necessarily that he doesn’t want those things, but we’re both just so stuck with work that any future feels so unlikely.

I can’t get the images from tonight out of my head. Cody hugging my parents. Cody joking around with Oakley and Parker. The look on Adrian’s face when Cody told him that he was pretty.

I want more of that.

I want him at all of the home games. I want him at family dinners at my grandparents’ house, chasing their dog around the backyard with Parker. I want the feeling of his hand in mine, like it is right now, as we enter my building and are greeted by the doorman.

But I can’t ask Cody to give up his whole life to fit into mine. Even if he does seem to fit so perfectly.

He loves his job, his town, and his friends. I could never ask him to give up what makes him happy.

Maybe when I visit Linna, I’ll figure out a solution that works for both of us.

For now, though, I need to protect myself without hurting Cody. I know that he wanted me to fuck him tonight, but I don’t think I could stop myself from blurting out my feelings for him if I did. That, or I might end up tying him to the bed and not letting him leave tomorrow. That’s probably not the solution. Not yet, anyway.

Maybe I can distract him with other new fun things.

We can still hook up, keep it casual for now, and I’ll just ignore the feelings of impending dread that arise when I think about how long it will be before I see Cody again after tonight.