Page 52 of Academically Yours

FOURTEEN

Matthew

Matthew!” Bryan fist-bumped me, leaning against the bar where we chose to meet that night. Just me and the guys—Elizabeth had opted to stay home, and Kaitlin was on the night shift at the hospital, which left Kelly, who decidedly did not want to crash guys’ night. Not that I blamed her.

“What’s on the agenda for tonight?” Cole asked, sipping on his beer. “Another bar fight breakup from this one?” He jerked a thumb at me.

“Very funny. That will not be happening again.” I hoped. Because this time, I would do way more than I had before. This time, Noelle had weaseled her way into a corner of my heart, and I wanted to protect her, take care of her.

“How is your girl, anyway, Harper?” Tanner asked, nudging me in the side.

“She’s not my girl,” I sighed. Not yet. Not until I figured out how to banish her demons and make her mine. Not until I figured out how to kiss her without aching to be inside of her. Damn, I was a mess, wasn’t I? I gripped my beer tighter, thinking about her. Maybe it had been too long since I had been with a woman.

Changing the subject, I turned to them, “How are your girlfriends? You know, the ones that actually exist. As opposed to my imaginary one.”

Cole scoffed. “She’s not imaginary just because you haven’t asked her out, Matt.”

I rolled my eyes. I hadn’t told them about our dinner yet. I wanted our kiss to remain just that—ours—for a little while longer.

“Our girls are good,” Tanner added, “since this one over here wasn’t inclined to say that.” Cole just shrugged at his twin before taking another gulp.

“How’s Liz?” I asked, looking at Bryan as I nursed my beer.

“She’s good, just hating her swollen ankles,” he laughed. “No matter how much I rub them, she still complains the next morning.” He sighed like a lovesick puppy. It was, surprisingly, a good look on him. We could joke about how much he did for her all we wanted, but it was obvious how much he loved his wife. “Not that I’m complaining. I love her.”

I smiled. “Yeah. I know.”

“Anyways, have you figured out if you’re bringing the little redhead to the game next week?” Tanner asked.

I almost choked hearing someone else call her that. “She’s not that little,” I grumbled. Because I could call her little, thinking about how tiny she was as I held her in my arms, couldn’t I? But when someone else did it, it was weird. I didn’t like it. “And no, I haven’t asked her yet. I’ll let you know. We’re… I don’t know what we are.” I ran a hand through my hair. It wasn’t like we had labeled it.

“But you like her?”

I nodded. “I tried not to, but I do. I really do.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know.” I took another sip of my beer as the guys stared at me with vacant expressions. “I’m freaking out a little bit, okay? It’s… It’s been a long time. And I just… can’t.”

“Dude. Is this about your parents?” Bryan asked, and I could feel the ache in my heart just thinking about them.

“No.” I narrowed my eyes. “This has nothing to do with them. I don’t want to talk about them.” But it was, wasn’t it? Everything was always about them. They’d never even get to meet her.

“Well, we want to meet her, Matt. That’s all we’re saying.” My friends returned to their conversation about the basketball season, but I was too distracted with thoughts of my parents—and Noelle—to pay attention.

What would they think of her? I wished they were here. I knew they would have given me excellent advice. Pointed me in the right direction; assured me I wasn’t crazy for being head over heels for her. Helped me work through the way I felt for her.

And I knew, when I introduced them one day, to the girl I was going to marry, that they would have been so excited for me. Happy, elated even. They would have been looking forward to the idea of grandkids that they could spoil. But when I looked at the future right now? It felt bleak, empty. Because I was going to have all of this with someone, one day, and my parents wouldn’t be here to see it. To tell me how proud of me they were. To love their grandchildren. The feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’d never get that back. I sighed.

Pushing those thoughts away, I did what I always did—buried them deep down. Hid it behind a wall and bricked it up behind me. Focused on what was here, what was now, instead of all of the emotions I had encased in ice at the tender age of nineteen.

All of those thoughts and feelings I had never quite confronted.

And what would happen when I let someone in? When those walls came melting down? Would I survive the tidal wave of emotions that were sure to come? Would they still choose to stay by my side when they realized that I was just a broken boy, still missing his parents almost twelve years later?

I didn’t know, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out.