Page 109 of Academically Yours

“Just… being there.”

She reached out and took my hand. “I think… I would go anywhere for you.” Noelle bit her lip. “Is that crazy?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I mean, I’ve never felt like this before but…” I squeezed her hand. “I would do anything for you, you know that?”

She nodded.

“God, you know that was my first time being around a newborn?” Noelle finally whispered. “He was so small, I was terrified of dropping him.”

I laughed. “I still remember when my mom was pregnant with Tess. After she was born, they brought her to me, and my first comment was, why is she so red? And my parents couldn’t stop laughing.” I grew quiet, somber, thinking about them.

They’ll never get to meet their grandchildren.

“Hey,” Noelle said quietly. “You miss them, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, throat tight with grief. “I was just thinking about how they’ll never get to meet their grandkids.”

Noelle looked up at me, eyes wide with some expression I didn’t know how to name. “And you… want that? Kids and a family?”

I do, I wanted to say. With you. Only you.

“I…” I ran my hands through my hair, not wanting to start the engine. “I know we haven’t talked about the future at all, but…” Noelle froze in her seat, and I tried to backtrack. “I know we’ve only been together for a short time.” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to freak you out. We don’t have to talk about it right now.”

She bit her lip, looking down at her lap, and then brought her eyes back up to mine. “I’m not… I’m happy where things are at right now, you know? I don’t want anything to ruin this.”

I nodded, finally starting the car. “Me too,” I said, though some part of my heart ached, just thinking about what I wanted for us.

Was it possible she didn’t want that? The marriage and the kids and the life together? Fuck.

I loved her, I was completely, madly in love with her, and I didn’t even know if she saw us like I did: in the future, together. Always together, with kids of our own and a big porch with a hanging swing and smiles that never faded from our faces.

I focused my eyes back to the road, and we drove like that—quiet, hands still interlocked on the console, but I couldn’t help the worry that had crept into my gut.