Page 27 of A Tale of Mirth & Magic

The three of us flooded back out onto the main road. I cut a long slender branch from a nearby tree with my sword. Though I hated to hurt an innocent animal, if I flicked their horses’ flanks with this they’d be galloping away for a long time before these fools could get them back under control.

Testing the bend of the branch, I fixed both men with my best attempt at a furious glare.

“Listen, mate, I’m really sorry!” String Bean said, holding his hands up in the air. “It was an accident. Didn’t mean to stab you.”

“Don’t apologize to ’im, you idiot! We’re bounty hunters! Doin’ what has to be done.” His partner had finally regained his seat, pushing his oily hair out of his beet-red face.

“I never even wanted to be a bounty hunter, Stan! This was all your idea!”

Shifty Eyes huffed and turned to his partner. “Well, we wouldn’t hafta resort to this if you hadn’t gambled away our LIFE SAVINGS, Ronald !”

Ronald looked abashed for a moment, but quickly fired back, “Oh and I suppose all your floozies at the tavern paid for their own drink and rooms! That deffffinitely had nothhhhing to do with our empty money chest.” He waved his arms about, and a bloody drop from the knife flung onto my forehead. Great.

“For the love of the goddess, how many more times must I apologize! For! The! FLOOZIES!?” Stan yelled, waving his own knife in the air. “I promised you it wouldn’t happen again, and I haven’t touched anyone since!”

Tears forming in his eyes, Ronald yelled back, “Try once, you beast! Just one authentic, SINCERE apology would be nice.”

Stan stared at him for a long beat and then dropped his head with a long, deep sigh.

“Uh, guys—” I cut in, “maybe—the knives—how about putting them away now?”

Ronald looked at the glistening weapon still in his hand, as if surprised to see it again. “Oh, ick, gross.” He flung it over his shoulder into the woods, then wiped his hands on already grimy trousers.

Stan sheathed his own blade. Taking another deep breath, he said, “Yer right. Yer both right. I’m sorry. I dunno what I’m even doin’ anymore.

“Love, I’m so sorry about the floozies. The men. The women. The men and women together, and all the orgies we had while you were home waiting for me to return. It was wrong, so wrong, and it will never happen again.”

Ronald pressed one hand to his chest, tears spilling over.

He nodded frantically at Stan. “Oh, darling. That’s all I wanted to hear.

I can forgive you. As long as you can forgive me for losing all that coin on the turtle races.

And for selling your lucky gold teeth to pay off the debt collectors.

And for losing our house when I tried the races again to win them back. ”

Stan smiled back at him. “Of course, Ronny. Of course I forgive you.”

In the silence as they gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes, I coughed.

“Look, I’m really happy that you two are working out your issues.

It’s… heartwarming,” I said as they beamed at me and then each other, exchanging heart-eyes from atop their horses.

“But where do we stand now on the whole hunting-Elikki-for-bounty situation? Am I going to need these?” I raised the stick, my hefty sword, and an eyebrow.

Stan had the grace to look embarrassed. He said, “No, no. Think our days as bounty hunters are over.”

“We weren’t going to ’urt ’er or anything,” Ronald added. “But it was basically this or being bandits. At least this is legal. Or semilegal.”

“Oh well. Banditry it is, then. Good honest work, I suppose,” Stan said with a shrug.

“Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “There are plenty of other options than becoming a criminal. That’ll just get you sent to prison.” At that, Ronald shuddered.

“Take this,” I said, passing them a few silvers from my coin purse.

“And you know that colorful inn back up the road? Find the owners, Legus or Saho, and let them know I sent you. And maybe, um, try to wash up a little in a stream before you get there. If you’re nice and don’t bother the customers, they’re likely to help get your feet under you again. ”

Stan tucked the money into his boot. He said quietly, “Thank you. That’s very kind.”

“We’ll repay you someday!” Ronald said, looking a bit overcome with emotion. “Sorry again about the stabbing.”

I tossed my stick back into the woods and waved them off. “Just—take care of yourselves. And good luck.”

They waved farewell, and I watched as their tired horses plodded away down the dirt road.

When they were out of sight, I let out the huge breath I’d been holding.

After sheathing my sword with relief, I shook out my wrists and rolled the tension out of my neck.

That could have gone very differently. I didn’t feel great about sending another of our problems to Legus and Saho for them to clean up, but I knew they’d want to help. I’d do the same for them.

And—dammit—I really had been stabbed. Now that the adrenaline from the fight was fading, I was fully conscious of the sharp, throbbing pain in my left upper arm.

I forced myself to look at it. Blood had soaked through a good bit of the sleeve, though it looked to be slowing down now.

Grimacing, I moved my arm around gently to test it.

Painful, yes, but it didn’t seem to be deep. I’d have to clean and bind it soon to be safe, or Ma Wren would scold me for weeks. But first things first.

Where the hell was Elikki?