Page 25 of A Tale of Mirth & Magic

E LIKKI

I was not fucking okay.

Was this some kind of twisted cosmic payback for past crimes? I haven’t even done anything that bad! Yes, stolen a few goods here and there. When necessary. Broke a few hearts. Maybe some light arson and breaking of bones.

But enough to deserve this kind of punishment from the gods?

No!

Yet now I was a wanted woman with a bounty on her head. Running from the law. Who had also gotten a sweet, innocent bookkeeper mixed up in her mess. And now, I guess, also a couple of new friends were involved in this disastrous shit pile of stupidity.

Truly, it’s a shock no one sticks around me for long.

Over and over, I replayed that horrible moment when I’d almost stabbed Barra.

The way he’d looked at me, so shocked. Almost frightened of me.

Self-defense instincts were all well and good, but I could have really hurt him.

Killed him, even. And Maerryl too… I could see now that I’d gone too far. They were both right.

I’d just been so terrified in those seconds when she’d had me in a choke hold. And then anger soon followed, as it always did, once I got the upper hand. It unleashed something in me. And when that happened, sometimes it’s hard to tell where the lines are.

My power—my own body—had betrayed me. I never wanted to slip up like that again.

Especially with Barra, for the little time we had left together.

I need to be more careful. Stop relying on my fight-or-flight instinct and just take a second to think .

It shouldn’t have taken accidentally throttling a stranger and almost maiming someone I liked to make me realize just how firmly I’d let my anger take hold of my magic over the years.

But now that I could see clearly, I wasn’t going to let myself hurt anyone like that again.

Not even weaselly assholes like Felsith or his ilk…

unless they really deserved it, of course.

I was taking control of my magic back.

The way I’d managed to charm those cuffs with Maerryl showed me I could do it.

The sense of calm confidence I’d felt, a soothing wave that washed over me as I’d forced the fury and frustration aside and focused on the task at hand—it was astounding.

It was like the perfect feeling I got when I managed a simple magical working or created something beautiful while jewelry making, but multiplied a hundredfold.

Dare I say, it might have been even better than sex.

It had taken a hell of a lot out of me. I was wrung out, thoroughly exhausted.

Like the chewed grass in Pebble’s mouth, actually, is how I felt right now.

And yes, it will probably be hard to get back into that calm, focused mental state next time I wanted to work some magic. But somehow, I knew I could do it.

Putting two people in mortal danger forced me to confront myself.

I had so much anger simmering for so long, even when I didn’t fully realize it—toward the communities that were supposed to raise me and instead turned up their noses.

Toward the people who harassed me, attacked me, tricked me when I was young and naive, just learning how to survive by myself on the road.

Most of all, toward my parents—their dismissal, their disinterest, their utter lack of love for me driving a wedge through my heart from childhood…

driving me away from home, just like they wanted.

How had it taken me so long to see the depths of all this anger, how it had grown roots and taken hold of my emotions and my powers? I dashed the back of my hand against my cheeks, quickly wiping away the wetness there.

I wouldn’t let my past define my future any longer. I had control over my magic. Not those ghosts. It was mine alone, and I intend to make the very most of it from now on.

We walked in silence along the road for a long time. Seated on Pebble, I tried to ignore my aching thighs and just relax into the rhythm of her gait. My drooping eyes drifted closed. So, so tired.

Pebble stopped. Barra swung up into the saddle behind me. Despite myself, I let my body relax back against him. He was solid and warm, a reassuring presence, and I felt the tension leaving me as I listened to his steady heartbeat.

“Wha’ ’bout Pebble?” I mumbled. “Too heavy.”

“She’s fine for a bit. Strong horse. Just nap, El. You need rest,” Barra said. “I’ll wake you up for lunch.”

Drowsy, I hummed my assent and let my mind drift. “Sweet. You’re so sweet.”

As everything faded and I slipped off to sleep, I felt Barra wrap his arms around me with a sigh. He held me tight and said, “So are you, love.”

When I woke, we were slowing to a stop near the edge of a small lake. Barra brushed my hair out of my face with gentle fingers.

“Good morning. Or—early afternoon, I suppose. Sleep well?” His deep voice rumbled against my back. He still had me tucked against him, strong arms keeping me from tilting to either side of the horse.

I yawned hugely. Though I was reluctant to leave the cozy embrace, my limbs were aching with stiffness. I wiggled my way out, Barra releasing me quickly, and stretched my arms over my head. Rolling my neck and shoulders to loosen up the muscles, I took in the serene scene around us.

“Where are we?”

“About two hours along the road. Still have a few more until we reach Old Orchard. But I thought we should stop here and eat.”

The water sparkled with sunlight. Next to the lake, the grass looked soft and inviting. A few early bumblebees buzzed around, and some bright splashes of color signaled the start of spring’s blooms. I was tempted to drop down into the grass and slip back to sleep. But food also sounded wonderful.

My growling stomach decided the matter for me.

Barra braced himself and swung out of the saddle. He reached up for me, waiting. Attempting a more graceful dismount this time, I twisted my left leg over the front of the saddle and turned so that I was sideways and facing him.

“I’ve got you,” he said.

I slid off Pebble’s back without hesitation. Barra caught me, his arms firm around my upper thighs, just under my ass. We were almost face-to-face like this, me just a little above him.

Barra’s gaze searched mine. So serious and worried all the time. I traced one fingertip down the bridge of his large nose. His eyes closed. Touching his chin, eyebrows, cheeks, I committed his face to memory.

Gently, I leaned in and kissed him. He drew in a small, surprised breath and then kissed me back, his arms pressing me tight against him.

I tangled my fingers in his hair and deepened it, twining my tongue around his.

He’d worn my red ribbon again today, tied carefully in a bow, and it had been driving me mad all morning.

Barra followed my lead, kissing me hungrily as I captured his mouth.

We were frenzied, lost in each other’s lips.

I hugged myself tight to his body and relished the way he squeezed me back, as if he wanted me as close to him as possible.

When I nipped his full lower lip, he groaned so deeply I could feel the rumble through his chest.

But then suddenly he was pulling away. Just slightly, enough that it broke off our kiss and made me hmphh in protest.

“El, we should talk,” he said.

I stiffened.

“I’d rather not,” I said, trying to lean in for another kiss.

Barra evaded and reluctantly lowered me to the ground. “I know. But we still should.”

“Why, exactly?” I stepped into his space again and ran one hand up his thigh. Flashing my wickedest grin, I trailed my fingers up up up and over to the laces of his breeches. Before I could even start to untie them, though, he firmly took me by the shoulders and stepped away.

With a pained expression, he said, “You may not want to, but I—I need to discuss some things. With you.”

“Okay, okay.” I raised my hands in a show of innocence. “But couldn’t we just… continue this and talk after ?”

Barra shook his head slowly. “No.”

Apprehension, annoyance, and guilt rolled around in my empty stomach, making me queasy. This did not sound good. If we had to have a Talk, I should at least eat something.

“Fine,” I huffed. After unhooking Saho’s lunch basket from the saddlebags, I stomped over to the lake. Barra sighed and followed me, unfurling his blanket out over a soft-looking patch of grass before leading Pebble to the water for a drink.

I plopped down and pulled item after item from the large basket.

Two stoppered bottles, a few large golden pasties, plums, nut cake, a watercress salad, a wedge of hard cheese, tiny apples, and a mysterious round breaded object that I couldn’t identify.

It was the size of Barra’s fist and heavy.

I left that in the basket and grabbed a pasty, taking a huge bite.

Delicious. Chicken, potato, carrots, and something spicy that added a bit of a kick to each bite.

Barra joined me on the blanket. He laid out napkins and utensils for us. Oops. I always forgot about stuff like that. I offered him a pasty, and he accepted with a nervous smile. I popped one of the jugs open and took a long swill. A light, refreshing pear juice—perfect.

“Thank the goddesses for Saho, right?” I said, passing Barra the bottle. He grabbed a tin cup from the basket— oops again, Elikki —and poured himself some with a murmured thanks. I held out the other cup and he filled it up for me.

“They certainly found their calling as a cook,” he said.

I nudged the big round thing wrapped in a napkin. “What do we think this is?”

“I know, actually. They packed one for me last time, but the recipe wasn’t quite… perfected yet. They’ve been attempting to create a scotch egg egg.”

Seeing my confusion, he went on, “So their idea was instead of just small individual scotch egg snacks, it would be one massive scotch egg. More filling and satisfying, especially for people like Legus and me. At least that was the concept.”

He took a knife to the center of the breaded ball and began to saw into it. “In the one they gave me last time, the sausage meat wasn’t exactly cooked all the way. But they said they’ve been experimenting more since then.”

The ball finally split open into two halves.

Each half showed four eggs—yellow yolks surrounded by their white rings.

They were all packed in together with a light green mixture studded with brown bits.

I dipped a fork into the mystery mixture to try a tiny nibble.

“Mmm! It’s some kind of potato mash! With bacon and… chives, maybe?”

Around all this was the traditional sausage-meat shell—this time it appeared to be cooked to completion—and finally the outer layer of crispy, golden breadcrumbs.

“Holy shit.” I gaped at the glorious vision in front of me.

Picking up one half, I took an enthusiastic bite. “I think Saho is a genius.”

Barra broke off a piece from the other half with his fork and tentatively tried it. His eyes widened. “Wow, they really did it. This is delicious.”

“I want to write a love poem about this divine creation. An Ode to the Scotch Egg Egg!”

“The Master of All Eggs?”

“The Eggy Extraordinaire!”

“The One True Egg!”

I gulped more pear juice and sighed happily. “Now I just need a little dessert, and another nap, and then I’ll be fully revived.”

“Elikki…” Barra’s voice lost its playfulness. Oh no. He hadn’t forgotten about the Talking.

I chewed more of the egg egg and swallowed. “All right, what’s on your mind?”

Sitting cross-legged next to me, he watched the rippling lake.

“I think we should discuss… everything. What’s going on between us.

” He spoke carefully, eyes flicking to check my reaction.

“I clearly did something to upset you this morning. And whatever it is, I’m so sorry.

But—but I need you to talk to me instead of just shutting down.

Can you tell me what you’re feeling? What’s going on? ”

He paused, waiting for me to respond. Several minutes went by. In my mind, there was a storm of thoughts—a dozen things I should say—but I also felt terribly blank. Numb.

He tried again, saying, “Everything that happened in the woods—that must have been terrifying for you. I understand why you reacted the way you did. Really, I do. It’s just…

you can’t kiss someone like that, here, after ignoring them for hours and then almost stabbing them.

Me. You can’t use me like that, as—I don’t know, as a release for your fear and anger and frustration. ”

Barra wanted to catch my eye, but I avoided him. I rolled a plum in my palms and tracked a hawk swooping over the lake. We sat in silence.

“If you want me to just go, I can,” he finally said. “I can head out now and ride Pebble so you have the road to yourself. Or hang back here for a while and give you a head start. It’s fine.”

He waited again, the long moment stretching out into minutes.

My tongue felt numb. For once, I had no idea what to say.

I was frozen on the blanket, staring down at the dark plum in my hands like it held an answer for this stupid, ridiculous problem I’d somehow stumbled into.

There was no right answer. What do I do?

He should go. I should let him go. Everything would be easier.

Everything would go back to the way it had been. The past days wouldn’t matter anymore. I could have the road to myself, like he said. Complete freedom, beholden to no one, the whole world open to me. That’s what I wanted.

Is it all I wanted though? Barra wasn’t trying to take any of that away.

Maybe there was a way I could have all that—everything I cared about—and still have someone like him in my life.

Someone to share laughter, dancing, music, silliness, amazing sex, and long conversations over tasty meals. All of it.

Or him, specifically.

And this ache that I felt when I pictured it—us together, never parting—it was so good.

Like when I jumped off the cliffs of Morfya into the sapphire-blue ocean for the first time after I’d finally left home.

Exhilarating. Terrifying. And more powerfully satiating to my soul than anything I had let myself imagine before. I just needed the courage to jump.

But Barra was clambering to his feet. I caught a glimpse of his shuttered face, and something stabbed sharply in my chest. He walked away from me, clicking to Pebble as he swung her around. Dropping my pack on the ground, he led the horse back toward the road.

He couldn’t just go. He wouldn’t.

“Wait!”

Barra turned.

“You—you forgot your blanket,” I said.

His face fell even further somehow.

“Keep it,” he said as he turned away.

I watched as his large form became smaller and smaller, until he disappeared in the tree line. He didn’t look back.

I was alone again.