Page 72 of A Summer to Save Us

For a split second, I think he’s going to jump after it, and, I swear, he considers it too.

But then he laughs. “June—above the moon,” he shouts so loudly that it can be heard all the way to the Upper Falls.

“It’s for you! Do you hear? It’s for you.

.. this... this damn ridiculous paper bird.

..” And now tears are streaming from his eyes.

So many. I carefully reach out my hand, and he comes to me and takes it.

Oh, thank God, he’s holding me tight!

I’ve seen him angry, high, laughing, acting silly like a child, and shaking with despair, but never crying. It breaks my heart—all of this.

“Please... come back with me...”

Silently, he looks at me as if he has no words now.

“I love you, River McFarley,” I say quietly. “Above and under the moon and everywhere else.”

Suddenly, a gleam creeps into his eyes, a gleam that says, Hey, I’m broken, and my soul is in pieces, but let’s conquer the world anyway. What can happen? We can always die tomorrow!

“Oh yes, baby.” He smiles. “We’re River and Tucks, and nothing can stop us.”

“Nothing,” I lie, my heart beating hard and unevenly in my chest. I’m a traitor.

He’s silent as he helps me untangle the knots and sets two figure eights. We don’t run back but instead slip to the other side while sitting down, and when I finally stand up and jump onto the rock, I don’t know what’s going on inside him.

Does he think I won’t react to this narrow jump? What if the wind hadn’t accidentally ripped the bird out of his hand?

Would he have jumped then?

When I’m standing on the ledge and River is still on the slackline, I hold my breath. For a few seconds, he peers down.

“Hey,” I whisper. “I’m here.”

He blinks. “Yeah, I know.” With a long stride, he jumps over to me.

He’s safe. I’m dizzy with happiness. For a tiny moment, I allow myself to breathe a sigh of relief. I managed to get him off the highline. Nothing happened. He’s alive.

As he climbs to the plateau using the rope, I hold my breath. What if his family is waiting for him up there? Or the police? We can’t see it from where we are now. But he behaves normally, holds out his hand to me, and pulls me up.

Alarmed, I look around, but apart from the slackers’ equipment, the plain is still deserted; not even Arizona is here.

Strange. I mechanically reach for her jacket.

For a moment, I don’t know what to do, but then I decide to go back.

A confrontation with the others here on the edge of the abyss, is too dangerous.

Maybe that’s why they’re waiting further down.

I quickly slip out of the belt and put it back in its place.

As we walk back along the trail, River grabs my hand. His fingers are cool and sweaty, but this moment feels like the beginning of our journey, and I wonder if the end always feels like the beginning.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask, watching the landscape of rocks and pines. The morning sun bathes the mountain tops in an orange-red sea of flames, but otherwise, it’s quiet and peaceful.

“How nice it is to hear your voice.”

I smile. “Just that?”

River shrugs vaguely. “I don’t know. I feel surreal. Maybe we jumped and just don’t know it.” There’s still that gleam in his eyes. It leaves an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re with me, Tucks. How could it be wrong?”

I squeeze his fingers. Maybe what I did was a mistake. Maybe he simply had to let June go and is now ready to get healthy. I still don’t see a ranger, my sister, or anyone else.

We keep walking, and after a while, a few young men with wet hair and sports clothes approach us.

Maybe they’re the slackers who camped on the mountain.

They carry two gallons of water in each hand, and I realize that they must have been at the Upper Falls to swim and fetch water.

After all, there are enough streams and pools around here.

“Did you know there was a line up here?” I ask River once they are out of earshot. Somehow, everything I say feels like a betrayal, but River just nods innocently.

“There are always a few slackliners here. And I read in a forum that a big event is going to take place here soon.” Suddenly, he stops and shakes his head. “Hey...”

We look at each other. The air vibrates, and tiny dust particles glow in the sun like fireflies. Then, he gently takes my face in his hands and bends down to me. I feel his breath on my lips, see the deep, warm sparkle in his eyes. Blue, as infinitely blue as a free fall. So close.

“Tucks... I told you that I love you. But I didn’t understand how much until now.

” His eyes shimmer, and I just want to hold him tight so that no one can rip him away from me.

“When I saw you up there with that strange figure-eight knot... no one makes such bad knots, Tucks! What were you thinking?”

Now I have to giggle because he’s almost back to his old self—the River I know—yet, at the same time, that’s exactly what wants to break my heart.

Suddenly, he becomes more serious than ever.

“I love your smile and the way you look down when you’re embarrassed.

I love how you can say everything without words.

I love you because you are strong without knowing it, beautiful without seeing it, good without recognizing it.

” Tears well up in my eyes, and I hold onto his upper arms while he holds my face in his hands.

“I love how you eat and drink. I love your love of beautiful words, your kisses, and all your words, even the ones typed on your phone.” It doesn’t help; the tears stream uncontrollably down my face.

I betrayed him, and he’s telling me how much he loves me.

“I love how you laugh and cry. Softly or loudly, it doesn’t matter. ”

I make a strange noise that is a mixture of laughter and sobbing. “Okay, that’s enough.”

“It’s not enough,” River whispers. “It’s never enough, even when you’re embarrassed and lower your gaze. I love you because you are you and because I could be River McFarley with you for a whole summer.”

“Could?” I ask.

My cell phone buzzes. We let go of each other, and I pull it out of my pocket.

“Mr. Spock, a.k.a. your brother?”

“Hm.” I lie. The message is from Arizona: Come back the way you came. They watched everything from a trail below. Access too risky—he could escape and jump.

My stomach churns.

“Have you been able to sort everything out between you yet?”

I nod.

“What is it?” He smiles and grabs my hand.

I look at him, and everything hurts. For a few seconds, I consider telling him the truth and running away with him, but then I think that next time, I might not be able to stop him if he wants to hurt himself.

“Thank you,” I whisper and squeeze his fingers tightly.

I don’t need to say anything more. They’re the most important words of all. He already knows that I love him.

We keep walking, and I feel like I’m going to throw up.

So, I betrayed him. I’m betraying the guy I love, who saved me, who means everything to me.

I inhale the scent of pine and feel completely sick.

I hope they’re not standing at the end of the trail with police cars and ambulances.

The thought of how they might have to take him into custody by force turns my stomach.

He’ll hate me for this, for sure. I carefully glance over at him, but he seems far away in his thoughts.

I’m all the more surprised when he abruptly stops in the middle of the trail.

“Hey, Tucks, wait a minute.” He suddenly seems agitated.

We haven’t even reached the Upper Falls yet. “What’s wrong?” A vague fear flutters inside me.

All of a sudden, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me as if he never wants to let me go again, as if he knows we have to part. “Tucks,” he whispers in my ear. “Close your eyes, okay.”

“Okay.” I laugh nervously, but naturally, I do what he asks. The fresh scent of the waterfalls and pine tree resin is in the air. Then I taste his gentle kiss on my lips, and a sweet tug fills my stomach.

“Will you promise me something?” he asks quietly.

“Of course.”

“Pinky swear?”

“Of course!”

Because my eyes are closed, he fishes for my little finger with his. The touch is as gentle and light as wind and so familiar. I feel his gaze on my face, like when he said he wanted to save me.

I blink.

His eyes shimmer suspiciously, glowing in the morning sun. “Don’t cry, Tucks. Okay? Don’t cry...” He lets go of me and slowly backs away.

“River, what’s going on?”

“I couldn’t bear to ever lose you.”

“You won’t.” I walk toward him, blind panic filling me.

“And I could never bear to hurt you. And I would one day... maybe not as River McFarley, but as Asher Blackwell or Tanner Davenport.”

“River!” I don’t know if it’s a scream or a whisper. Horror strangles my throat when I realize it.

“Don’t come after me. You have to promise me that, understand?”

And then he turns and sprints off.