Page 63 of A Summer to Save Us

“It was my condition. So, since I wrote most of the songs, the others agreed. Freak-it-Out vanished, and Demons ’N Saints rose from their ashes.

You become someone else when you’re masked—like a warrior with war paint.

With makeup, I was no longer the boy who had abandoned his girlfriend.

I could be Asher Blackwell. And Asher Blackwell is the star, the demon.

He suffers from mood swings, but he is not guilty.

Not as long as he’s wearing the makeup.”

His words make me think. So, who is River McFarley?

“I made him up when I wanted to save the second girl in the psychiatric hospital—Suzanne Meyers. Only my friends called me River, and then there was Caden McFarley. He hanged himself the day I was released. A nice guy. Gentle and full of kindness. Unfortunately, though, he was up to his ears in debt. I borrowed his last name. Somehow, it was fitting because I also had a debt to pay.”

He must be completely torn up inside if he needs so many identities. For whatever reason, he is a bit of everything, and maybe he no longer knows who he truly is.

You might not have been able to stop June. She might have done it one day anyway , I write.

As he reads these words, I realize it might even be true. If I had actually wanted to jump at Old Sheriff, River wouldn’t have been able to stop me with a Hey, you, or would he?

And if he wants to jump, I can’t stop him either, right?

What about the Golden Gate jumper’s words—that everything is repairable?

Is he right, or is there such a great darkness in some people that it ends up devouring everything?

And how long can you fight that darkness?

If River had saved June that night, he might have been too late another day.

Maybe in the end, you can only save yourself. Maybe that’s the key.

River gazes into the void in front of him. “I swore I would never love anyone else but June. Then I met you...”

I think about the girls. Did he perhaps tell them the same thing?

River looks at me, and there is a dark abyss in his eyes.

“I didn’t want to believe it. June and I seemed to go on forever.

Even after she died, it often seemed to me as if she was still there.

When I saw something that had made her laugh, I imagined I heard her giggle.

” Tears shimmer in his eyes. “Of all the people on this planet, she was the first to accept me for who I am, who loved me for who I am. Crazy and insane.”

I love you too, just the way you are. The whole world loves you! The whole world is crazy about you.

He purses his lips as he reads this. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, Tucks. It happened anyway. I hate it.”

The last sentence hits me like a punch to the stomach.

“Don’t take it the wrong way. It’s not your fault.

” Smiling at me again so tenderly that my heart flutters but also wants to break at the same time.

It’s cruel how much I love him. It’s so beautiful how much I love him.

Maybe he feels the same way, and as he kisses me, I realize that tonight might be our last chance to be together as River and Tucks.

Tomorrow, reality will catch up to us and crush everything with its big hands.

However, tonight, for one last time, we can be whoever we want to be.

Life partners. Death partners. Friends. Lovers.

Without noticing, River pulls me up during the kiss. “My God, Kansas...” he whispers against my lips, and I feel that sweet, heavy breath, smell his forest-and-leather scent, and feel his dark aura.

Suddenly, I know that I want him. I want him, and I want to forget everything else. What was, what is, and what will be.

“Kans...” River grabs my hair with one hand and pulls me gently but firmly toward him. “I. Love. You.”

He wants to make me say it, too, but I don’t know what happens then. He pulls back and raises an eyebrow.

I bite my lip.

“What do I have to do to make you say it?” he asks roughly. “What can I do?”

“N-nothing.” I shake my head, put my hand on the back of his neck, and pull him toward me. I carefully slide my free hand under his damp shirt and draw letters on his back with my fingertips.

“I want you,” he whispers, surprised by what I wrote. He looks intently into my eyes, and a shiver runs through my body.

“You... are... a... damn genius!” He laughs. “Did you write ‘damn’ or ‘cursed’? Okay... ‘damn.’”

Some of the lightness returns as he laughs.

I love you, I write in big letters on his back.

“Oh, Tucks.” His concerned tone almost breaks my heart. “That doesn’t count.”

It doesn’t matter . I write first, then say it aloud.

“It does matter.”

Maybe you have to love me to make me say it!

His tense body softens. “That was quite a long sentence. Can you write it too?” he whispers, a smile in his voice.

I do what he asked.

“I still don’t think I understand. Once more.”

Cheeky devil!

Now he gets serious again. “You know this isn’t going to end well, yet you still want it?” he asks softly.

I recall the third girl who didn’t survive his rescue attempt, so I repress the thought.

I don’t want to know, not tonight, even if that might be a mistake.

“Yes,” I whisper and press my nails into his skin invitingly.

The next moment, he pulls me so tightly against him that my breath catches in my chest. “You really want it, baby?”

Instead of a second yes, I kiss him. He returns the kiss so deeply and passionately that I become dizzy. My knees threaten to buckle, and I’m caught up in a sweet, beguiling rush. Suddenly, I’m certain he loves me—whether what he said about the girls is true or not.

When he lets go of me, we look at each other. “Okay,” he whispers. “This time, I won’t stop.”

My heart starts racing. I barely notice him pulling the sweater over my head. I’m not wearing anything underneath. He pauses for a few breaths while he looks at me, his pupils dilating, turning his eyes black.

Everything inside me is shaking. For a moment, I think of Chester and the toilet, but then River reaches out a hand to me and touches me below my collarbone with his fingertips. He writes something on my skin. It tickles, and ten thousand volts rush through my core.

I can’t decipher it, so I look at him questioningly.

He writes it again and says the words. “You... are... so... beautiful.” His voice sounds hoarse, but I don’t think he’s aware of how healing those words are for me.

His hands stroke past my breasts, over my ribs, and rest on my waist. “Never let anyone tell you otherwise.” We stand there like that for a few seconds, and my breathing becomes shallow.

“Don’t be afraid, Tucks.” Suddenly, he lets go of me.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I need to know something before we.

.. Did Ches... did my brother ever... did he force you to do this? ”

I swallow as tears well up in my eyes. Slowly, I shake my head. “N-no.” He wanted to, but didn’t... I write it on his skin. That’s all I want to tell him.

He nods.

Don’t be angry now. Please.

It’s hard, but I’ll try.

Write a nice word. To calm down. I draw a smiley face behind it.

Angry-sparkling-kisses.

Without anger!!!

Sparkling kisses.

Accepted.

The next moment, River takes my face in his hands and kisses me, and despite my anger at his brother, I feel the relief in it. When he lets go of me, we look at each other, and I feel closer to him than ever before.

Now what? I ask with my eyes.

“You could rip my clothes off. That’d help!” River winks at me. He’s just too good to be true.

I nod nervously. I’m much more afraid than I want to admit. I say I want him, yet I’m terribly afraid of him in a way. Shaking, I pull the shirt over his head, toss it on the floor, and let my fingers glide over his bare chest. His skin is still damp from the wet fabric.

River inhales deeply, then holds my hands against his heart. His gaze is so deep, penetrating all my layers into my unprotected heart. “Never be afraid of it if you want it too. Not of it.” He squeezes my fingers. “Close your eyes.”

I do what he says, and a brief moment later, I feel his hands painting letters on my bare skin. Many, many beautiful words, as if we’ve captured eternity in this room, as if in a bubble in which we float.

Dream-magic-cocoon. Moonlight-kisses. Some words I recognize, some will remain his secret forever.

A hundred times, I love you. He strips off my jeans and his pants and writes words on my legs, my bottom, and the soles of my feet.

We giggle. We laugh—him loudly, me quietly.

My fear dissolves. I write my favorite words on his forehead, his upper arms, and his legs.

We kiss, and I feel a shiver of longing for something I don’t know.

I feel this is right, so right, whether it is the beginning or the end.

It’s the answer to a question I’ve never asked, one that only my soul knows.

And when River kisses me again, I know that a part of me will love him forever.

For this summer and for this moment, I belong to him, and he belongs to me, and nothing can change that.

What happens after that goes beyond anything I ever imagined. When I feel him inside me, and he looks at me, it’s like a dream where images and feelings combine to form something inseparable. Where time, space, and longings merge.

“Tucks,” he whispers hoarsely. His eyes are shining as if he has a fever, and his hair is damp with sweat. “No matter what happens, you have to believe me. I love you. That’s the truth, the only thing I want you to remember.”

For a moment, I think about what it was like for him with June and how many girls he had sex with, but as if he senses that, he kisses my forehead and my eyebrows, and my thoughts fly away.

“‘ I love you’ are just three words,” he whispers.

I know. But they’re also a goodbye. Part of me is afraid of that, and I just can’t say them.

Intensely, as intensely as I feel him inside me, he watches me.

When he moves again, and we proceed, it’s a bit like dying.

It’s as if I’ve jumped and fallen into an abyss.

The world fades away until the seconds when everything stands still.

A moment of nothingness, of floating, when he whispers my name, and I claw at his hair as the storm lets us fly and all contrasts blur.

I’m still not quite myself when I realize River remains inside me and watches me.

His white-blond hair hangs over his face and tickles me as he kisses my forehead, the tip of my nose, and my lips.

I smile and intertwine my fingers behind his neck.

In that second, I realize I have never loved anything or anyone in my life as much as him.

I also realize how vulnerable that love makes me because I can lose it at any hour, minute, second, or breath. And probably will lose it.

This is not the beginning.

I know it.

And yet, I feel free. A part of me has understood something important that I’m not yet fully aware of.

That being hurt and love are always inseparable, as much as day and night.

Maybe, within all its beauty, there is also darkness, and love never reveals all its secrets.

Maybe I simply started engaging with life by letting myself connect with River.

To love. I don’t know. I only know one thing, and I have to tell him.

Because it’s the truth. Because it has to be said.

I pull River close to me until my lips touch his ear.

“I love you,” I whisper, feeling the words inside me like a melody that comes from somewhere unknown. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” I say it four times, and four times, I don’t stutter. I simply say the words without thinking.

River moves back slightly, looking at me in disbelief. “Say... say something else, Tucks. Something beautiful,” he whispers.

“Because I can’t sleep, I play music at night.

” Once more, I don’t stutter, and my chest feels lighter.

I’m no longer afraid. Whatever was blocking me is gone.

In this moment, it’s gone and so far away that it hardly seems to exist anymore.

“I... I can speak again,” I whisper, still unable to comprehend it.

River shakes his head. “You always could. You simply didn’t. What’s different now?”

“I don’t know. This is... crazy.”

“I love crazy things; you know that.” River’s dark blue eyes gaze down at me as if he were a mighty statue, and for the first time since he met me, there is absolute silence in them. That’s crazy, too—my words, these free, detached words, are his silence.

For a few seconds, I’m afraid he’ll get up and leave, just leave me alone, but he holds me tight.

There have been so many significant moments in my life, moments that have sunk so deep into my soul as if they were written there with light.

The moment Grandma read me a poem for the first time, when I fell in love with the word shadow-magic and knew that words would always comfort me in some way, and the moment Mom went sledding with James, Arizona, and me for the first time and I had these butterflies in my stomach as we raced down the hill, me sitting behind Arizona.

The moment I sat on Old Sheriff with Arizona, and she told me I was carrying a treasure inside me.

However, this moment is completely different.

Never in my life have I felt closer to anyone, felt more loved than now, when River is kissing me so gently and tenderly as if I was the most precious, most wonderful girl in the universe.

It feels as if the world has regained its colors.

Not only can I breathe—I can inhale them with my skin and hair.