Page 57 of A Summer to Save Us

I mechanically pull the band with the VIP pass over my head, drop it, and push past her. She doesn’t stop me. She doesn’t even try. Everything inside me convulses as I fight my way through the crowd, that seems like a wall.

“Kansas!” Only after many feet do I hear my mother calling, but I don’t care. I don’t care why . I don’t care about anything she has to say.

For a moment, I glance at the cafe and hear the soft, gravelly voice that has been mine for a summer. It’s like the whole world collapsed on top of me. Breathing hurts.

Remember the lessons , River whispers in my head. He emphasized that earlier, which means he’s not done with me yet. I asked my mom why, but I haven’t said, I love you, yet.

My list isn’t finished, and I realize that’s exactly what River was planning to do before his masquerade was exposed. He wanted to fulfill my wishes. He didn’t succeed, but he still wants to.

The only question is why? Why does a celebrated rock star, whom everyone loves, want to fulfill the heartfelt wishes of a silent, inconspicuous girl? A lost girl?

There can only be one answer. An answer he carries with him, written on his skin in dark blue—the color of a starry night's eternity.

Still alive for you, June .

I remember the night I told him I slept on the kitchen table for a year.

“When I lost June, I did something similar—except I knew she’d never come back .”

That’s what River said, the first concrete reference to Asher, but my subconscious wouldn’t let it through.

He slept on his girlfriend’s grave for a year .

New tears burn in my eyes. Because he loved June so much. Because he lost her. Because I will never be June. And because I feel so sorry for him. I lost the love of my life to the world today, and somehow, I lost Mom too.

Reflexively, I reach into my pocket and pull out the signal generator.

Without consciously controlling it, I run back to the well.

The security personnel who came to meet me don’t stop me—why should they?

I’m leaving voluntarily. As if in a trance, I place the signal generator on the edge, climb into the well, and, dazed by the events, let myself sink back into the cold water.

I stare blindly up at the sea god Oceanus and the rushing water features.

I feel nothing. My mom will talk to my dad, and if I don’t run away, they’ll send me back to Cottage Grove.

I still can’t speak properly, and everything will start again.

Chester and his followers—his fucking ridiculous fans—will continue to torment me, and no one will believe me.

I want to dissolve and not be here anymore. Water enters my ears, splashing against my eardrums, and then someone touches my hand. I raise my head.

“Hey, did you know that everyone walking down the street in Elko has to wear a mask?” I hear a voice, unclear through the water in my ears.

I close my eyes briefly. I don’t want to cry anymore. Never again in my life. And I never want to be afraid again. Of nothing.

“Lesson one: stay close by. They won’t search for you there.” Now, I turn my head. River lies in the water next to me, his arms and legs floating lightly on the surface like a raft. “Did you meet your mom?”

I wonder how he can still think about my mom at this moment. Still, I nod and fight back tears. I succeed, but the lump in my throat prevents any words from coming out.

“Did you ask her why?”

I nod again. It’s no longer important. I form letters with my hands, which takes quite a long time, especially because I almost sink, even though the pool is so shallow.

River sits up and looks down at me from above. No—as if Asher Blackwell is looking down on me. Or Tanner Davenport. Only now do I notice that the crowds around the fountain are pushing outside. Security officers shout at each other.

“Nobody can find us here.” River nods and smiles at the stone figures. “The sea gods are watching over us, Tucks.”

Don’t call me that! I want to scream. Never again!

“Lesson two: cell phones off. Which is taken care of. I stashed them in a flower arrangement somewhere near Tivoli Hall. Yours and mine. Lesson three: go back to the scene and toast your success... We’ll wait for that, I’d say.

” He leans over, suddenly so close to me that I smell it—the calming scent of summer, plus the water from the fountain. It’s almost like the blue-green river.

His lips hover over mine for seconds when he kisses me. His tongue is cool, and he’s as incredibly gentle as he was the first time on the slackline. I wrap my arms around his neck in desperation, wishing with every fiber of my body, heart, and soul that he had remained River McFarley forever.

“This feels too good, baby,” he murmurs harshly as we pull away from each other. I dig my hands into his hair and put my forehead against his. I never want to go out there into the world again.

“I wish we could stay in here forever,” he whispers as if he read my mind. “But forever...”

Don’t say it!

“We can’t hide forever.” His words explode on my lips. “Tucks. I’m sorry. I never wanted you to know who I am. You wouldn’t have been comfortable. I wouldn’t have been able to...”

Save you? I finish his sentence and lower my hands. I have to ask him so many things.

“You still have to say I love you .” He tenderly pushes back a strand of my hair, as if everything is the same again, as if there weren’t hordes of his fans around the fountain searching for him, as if none of that mattered.

I want to cry again because, deep down inside, I am completely shaken up. I know I don’t even have the slightest idea what his identity—his popularity—really means.

River kneels down and peers behind the winged horse into the shopping gallery.

“Tucks, two security officers are coming toward the fountain,” he says quietly.

“Lesson four: dive into the crowd. I’ll find you!

” He kisses me on the forehead. I haven’t even gotten up when he’s already gone, but I still hear him saying, “Don’t forget the alarm! ”

And then he disappears between all his fans. I only recognize him by his broad shoulders and determined walk and I discover he is wearing a Demons ’N Saints fan T-shirt and a black-haired wig. Where did he conjure up those two things so quickly? Did he leave them on a mythical figure?

I shake my head, grab the black signal generator, and climb over the edge of the fountain just as the security guards spot me.

People are being ordered to leave this part of the hall, but I push against the current toward Tivoli Hall without anyone stopping me. Maybe I’ll be invisible without River.

I search for my cell phone among the exotic climbing plants in the flower pots near the shops. I find it in the third one, near the cafe. River must have smuggled it in there before the gig, but I can’t find his.

With trembling fingers, I turn off airplane mode and tap Messenger, glancing around. A few visitors in eveningwear are standing in front of the hall and look as if they are waiting for something.

I have no new messages, including from Mr. Spock. Strange. Just a few old ones that I haven’t looked at yet.

I mechanically switch flight mode back on and slide the phone into my pocket.

I see my mom through the wide glass front of Tivoli Hall.

She’s seen me too and keeps staring at me in alarm as if she’s afraid I’ll go to her and reveal I’m her daughter.

I unconsciously shake my head. Dad was right.

We mean nothing to her anymore. I always thought he was lying to hurt me or to unload his anger somewhere.

Maybe I wronged him. All these years, I blamed not only myself but also him for her leaving. Because he was so serious, so unapproachable, so cold. Maybe he only became that way because he was so unhappy. Maybe he asked himself why and never found an answer.

Without turning again, I follow the ebbing stream of people. I don’t see River anywhere. He’s probably out there somewhere, dressed as a fan, so well disguised that even I wouldn’t recognize him.

I walk along the Strip with a feeling of unreality and detachment.

Women in high heels stagger past me, and three scantily clad dancers with feather headdresses dance in front of a hotel entrance and take photos with tourists.

The name Asher Blackwell floats around the streets.

Sometimes, I hear it like a raven flying by before it disappears for minutes, only to reappear at another corner.

Did all of this really happen today?

Am I dreaming?

At some point, I realize I missed the side street and am lost. I go back, but I can’t find the street I need and wander around aimlessly.

I check my cell phone several times, but no one texts me.

Not Dad, not Mr. Spock, not River. River probably hasn’t taken his cell phone out of the flowerpot yet for fear of being recognized.

I feel more alone than ever before. I mindlessly turn off airplane mode and enter the name of the hotel into the Google Maps search. However, when the route fails to load, I remember that I turned off the GPS. I click Settings but decide to leave GPS off. Nobody should be able to find me now.

Flight mode on.

It probably takes two hours before I finally find our shabby hotel. Time enough for River to have returned, but for some reason, I know he’s not here. I don’t know why, but maybe he’ll never come back. Yet as soon as I think that, I know it’s not true.

You haven’t said I love you yet .

He won’t give up.

For June’s sake—or for whatever reason—he won’t give up.

As I push open the door to the lobby, completely exhausted, the sight of my dad catches me completely off guard.

I stand rooted in place.