Page 68 of A Summer to Save Us

There’s something familiar about it. It takes a few seconds before I realize that it’s not completely quiet, of course. Somewhere in the mountains around me, the roar of the mighty waterfalls in Yosemite fills the night.

I take a deep breath, inhaling the scent of pine needles, cool summer night, and freshness. Worst of all, the incident distracts me from River.

I pray he’s not out there yet.

Let the buses break down. Let him be unlucky hitchhiking. Let him be alive. Let him come back to me.

I wrap my arms around my waist because I feel so lonely without him, so cold and incomplete. I want to feel him, kiss him, and hear him laugh as carefree as he did when we caused chaos at the store. When he was still River McFarley.

What was even real about him?

I peer into the darkness. What was truly real about this guy? Why did he keep those lists of my phobias? Was getting me to speak really his only goal? If so, shouldn’t I still be grateful to him? Because he actually saved me?

In the cold summer night, I suddenly feel someone standing behind me, even though I didn’t hear anyone approach. I know immediately who it is.

“Kansas?”

It’s Arizona. I feel the heat radiating from her body.

It’s weird, but that’s how I could recognize her out of hundreds of people if I was blindfolded; she’s always felt warmer than anyone else.

Sometimes, I believe she has an additional inner source of life energy that feeds her.

I smell her scent of milk, strawberry shampoo, and watermelon gum.

Unexpectedly, images of our lives play through my mind as if in a movie: Arizona and me in our down-filled blue snow pants, making snow angels on our front lawn.

Arizona and me exchanging an annoyed glance because James is giving us another lecture about eavesdropping.

Arizona crawling into bed with me because she was scared of Ghostface after Halloween.

“He’ll come get me,” she whispered, her eyes wide and scared.

“Maybe he’ll get me too,” I whispered back, more to calm her down.

Under the covers, she shook her head. “No,” she said quietly.

“They always get the pretty girls.” I wasn’t mad at her; we were only five, and even then, everyone said she looked like a Botticelli angel. Not that we knew the painter back then.

Completely unexpectedly, I feel a deep pang in my heart from missing her, even though I’m still so angry with her.

“Kans? Will you talk to me?”

Considering my extended silence, it sounds strange, but considering her lengthy silence toward me, it sounds okay.

I nod.

“Say something, please.”

“What should I say?” I ask harshly, feeling strange and out of place.

“I don’t know. Yell at me! Tell me you’ve been telling me all along that Chester has been bothering you... say I’ve wronged you and that I’m a bad sister. Something like that!”

“The only thing I care about right now is River.” I swallow. Make sure he’s alive! Make sure I find him in time!

“You mean Tanner, a.k.a. Asher Blackwell?”

I stare at the tall conifers surrounding the hotel like a border.

“I’m sorry, Kansas. I didn’t mean to be sarcastic.”

“That’s nothing new.”

“So, you are angry! Well, that’s your right.

I still can’t believe we’re talking to each other!

This is so... unreal, so bizarre.” It’s strange that she uses that word.

Maybe she has before, but it never meant anything until now.

She takes a deep breath. “I couldn’t even remember what your voice sounded like.

I even watched old videos sometimes... the one with the cherry pit spitting contest, when we were with James.

..” She’s silent for a few seconds, obviously realizing that she’s about to give a monologue.

“Kansas, I... can you please turn and face me?”

I know that looking at her will only make me cry, and I don’t want to. So, I shake my head.

“Is everything James says true? About school, the Hills... and...”

I nod, and the tear hanging in the corner of my eye slowly dribbles down my cheek. I don’t feel like my heart is made for this mixture of deep fear, relief, forgiveness, and love. My aching heart is pounding hard, and if Arizona hugs me now, it will probably stop or break in two.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers behind me. “If I’d only believed you.

.. if I’d just talked to you, maybe you would have told me everything.

Then Dad would have taken you out of school and.

..” Her voice catches from her tears, and I turn to her simply because I feel sorry for her.

Because I sense that she means it, and I want to protect her from feeling guilty. Because I love her.

“If Dad had taken me out of school, it might have started somewhere else. I wouldn’t have met River, and he never would have been able to give me back my words or show me what I’m worth.”

And he wouldn’t have saved a girl that summer and wouldn’t want to jump now, I add to myself. But maybe he would have saved another girl.

“Kans... you’ve always been worth so much. You are loving, kind, and generous. What makes you think you’re worthless?”

I look at my twin sister—her innocent baby blue eyes, her pink lips that always seem to shimmer, and her perfect button nose with a handful of freckles.

Her blonde hair... she’s cut it, I just noticed.

It only reaches her collarbone. “Maybe because Mom left,” I say.

“What kind of mother just leaves her children like that? Maybe she didn’t love me enough or thought I was too much of a hassle.

” I think of Dad’s words: If only that child wasn’t so painfully shy.

.. Jessica... Meri would still be here. For sure!

“Mom is a stupid bitch,” Arizona whispers, as if we are little again and it’s a secret she only tells me.

“I always think I have to stand out. Like only when others admire me will I be worth something.” She smiles forlornly and shrugs.

In that moment, I know she’s always felt the same as I do, only she found a different solution to the problem.

While I was hiding, she always tried to shine even brighter.

Her flashy behavior, her makeup, her sexy clothes—all of that was merely a facade.

Behind it was a little girl who simply wanted to be loved and appreciated.

She holds out her hand in my direction. “Do you forgive me, Little A?”

I put my palm on hers, and the warmth she radiates provides me with energy, like before, when she claimed for a month that she had swallowed a battery and warmth was flowing from her hands.

“Of course I forgive you, Big C,” I say quietly now. “What kind of sister would I be otherwise?”

She grabs me as suddenly and decisively as a cat pouncing on a toy.

I squeak, she laughs, and then we both cry as I wrap my arms around her.

“This last year... I’ve missed you, Kansas, so much.

Sometimes, I didn’t know how to breathe.

” She pulls away from me, and her eyes light up in a way that tells me she’s plotting something.

“What do you say we go right now to find Asher Blackwell?”

I stare at her, suppressing the question about whether she’s only looking for him because he’s the famous singer of Demons ’N Saints. “Dad and James will never let us go before dawn.”

“They don’t have to know.”

“You would...?”

“Even though I think he’s really hot, and you snagged him? Yes!”

It must have cost her a lot to say that.

I know how jealous she can be, and River is the second boy who chose me over her.

Although I would have preferred to do without Chester’s way of choosing me over her.

“Let’s tell Dad and James we need time alone,” I suggest. “We’ll pack a few things and head out. ”

Arizona takes my hand, and we walk back to the hotel.

“Kansas?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

Now she’s gone crazy. “You’re the most beautiful girl I know.”

“Then why don’t guys ever want me?”

“All guys want you!”

“Chester, Asher, and Jacob didn’t want me. Neither does Dan.”

“These guys don't count.”

“I’m serious.”

“Chester, Jacob, and Dan are arrogant, mean idiots.” There have been so many nice guys who have chased her, but strangely enough, she has always fallen madly in love with the ones who ignored her.

“Maybe it’s a pattern. Maybe you’re repeating Mom’s rejection?

” I think about River as I say this and look at her, but she looks away.

It will take time to get used to talking to each other after this gap.

“Besides, Chester never really wanted me,” I say, not only to comfort her but because I actually believe it.

“He was only interested in power, nothing else. You were just too strong for him.”

She peers at me, and a wave of warmth and affection emanates from her.

Thank you , she says with her look. I don’t know what for, but now I truly understand how insecure she is.

She always had to be so strong on the outside because I was so weak.

Maybe she would have liked to be the one protected by her siblings—like that time on Halloween.

We find Dad and James in the lobby, still talking to a few employees and an officer.

They both seem as upset as I feel. I look around nervously, but the Davenports have apparently retreated or are in a separate office.

I have no idea what the consequences will be for Chester.

After all, my statement is the only evidence; James didn’t see what happened firsthand.

I manage to give a statement to a young officer, shielded from all the others, taking only Arizona with me.

Afterward, I tell Dad that we’re going to sleep because we want to leave early tomorrow, feeling guilty for lying to him.

He merely nods wearily. He’s wiped out, but the expression in his eyes when he looks at me is different than before.

I see confusion, remorse, and guilt—but also love.

A love for me and only me, not Mom, who he sees in me.

Maybe it’s because of my new hair color that I don’t look so much like her anymore.

“We need to talk about this,” he says to me just before we leave the lobby. James is sitting on a velvet chair, rubbing his chin. We’re alone now that the employees have returned to their stations.

“Is James going to get in trouble?” I ask cautiously.

“Not if they believe you.”

“And if they don’t?”

“We’ll see. Senator Davenport is a powerful man.”

“Dad!” Arizona calls out indignantly. “That asshole Chester can’t get away with it. Right, Kans?” I nod, but I just want it to be over. I’ll never be able to prove what happened at school anyway.

Dad stands before us with his shoulders sagging, and I realize what this could mean to him. “Dad, what about the hospital? Are you going to lose your job?”

“I don’t want to move,” Arizona says, a little too shrilly and gets a reproachful look from James.

Dad sighs so deeply and heavily that my heart aches.

I know how much he loves his work. “Maybe I’ll open my own practice.

” His smile is genuine but exhausted. “I’ve been toying with the idea for a while.

But,” he looks at me, “I won’t be able to pay the expensive school fees next year because I’d have to invest those funds into my own practice. I could start over, too, sweetheart.”

The stupid sweetheart almost makes me cry again.

Suddenly, I feel like everything will be okay.

I’ll go to Jackson High with Arizona, make new friends, and take a creative writing course.

I’ll collect more beautiful and strange words and maybe write my own stories one day.

Now I just have to stop River from going unsecured onto a highline, and everything will be fine.

I’ve waited so long, and now everything is finally going to be okay.

Mom was right about that one thing.

Or Tolstoy, to be precise.