Page 1 of A Summer to Save Us

T his is the last time I go to the railroad bridge. It’s farewell and a new beginning. Somehow, it suddenly seems as if all the significant moments of my life took place at dizzying heights. I still remember the day I met you up here.

I can almost feel the warm spring wind on my skin again, even though it is so cold today.

I arrive from the east side, just like back then.

And again, I leave my backpack at the edge of the bridge and continue the lonely walk in the middle of the tracks.

The rotten wood is dusted with freshly fallen snow that looks like powdered sugar.

I hear the crunch of my footsteps and breathe in the cold, damp air.

Willow River roars beneath me, and in its roar, I discover some of my anger.

Yes, I’m angry with you. Infinitely angry. But not just that... Part of me is also full of love. Full of gratitude. I pull the band with the black crane from my wrist and inhale deeply.

“Don’t cry a river for me, baby” —you would say that to me now, and I would smile. Because, like a lot of what you said, it can have multiple meanings. My heart is so heavy, but it is also light. Opposites, baby .

I dangle the origami bird over the abyss on my index finger.

Origami will probably never be my thing, but you said you should always let something symbolically fly every time you don’t jump.

So, I bought extra jet-black paper from Mrs. Wilson’s craft store and made the crane.

Okay, it’s pathetic, but you can’t see it.

If you hadn’t come then, I would have jumped.

I’m quite certain. So, you saved me, even if you say it was the other way around.

For a moment, I stare into the void. The river sounds calmer now, almost as if it were constantly whispering your name with every bubble of its whitecaps.

Ri-ver. Ri-ver. Ri-ver .

The ribbon slips gently from my finger, and the crane tumbles down endlessly. Since it is so tiny in this vast natural setting, I don’t see it swallowed by the dark blue waters.

It’s just gone.

Just like you.

That’s it. Naturally, I’m crying now, even though I promised you I wouldn’t. I gently touch the white swan on my other wrist, feeling the paper like a caress.

I miss you, Riv .

There will never be a day when I don’t think about you. About you and that magical summer full of love, beautiful words, and dark secrets, but I’m still leaving now.

I have to do it.

A whole world is waiting for me.